this is my 300th post.

and i'll make it a good one.
ive been thinking alot lately. who are we.
what do we deserve, to be on this earth, to be here.
i mean.. haiz

we came to the world in pain, we will die in pain...
everything in between is whatever you want it to be.
you wan your life to be miserable, so it will be lor.
do something productive.
dont waste your life away.
its short. but its also the longest thing you'll ever have.

whatever your goals are, whatever your dreams are..
you only have 1 chance to do it.
i mean, every person that grew up to be someone in the market place, like a pop idol or something,
all started out as kids with a dream.
its how you are going to act on that dream, to be what you wanna be.

if you want to start a band, act on it! do it! do what you think you can.
do what will glorify God. do not worry about tomorrow :)

ive always thought of God as this big daddy who will alwiz hug me when im sad. because i cant count on hugs from ppl. when i want one, dey won giv it to me 1.. so whatever lar. haha. i cant count on people for everything. it hurts when they dont care about you, dosent it. i mean.. just today.. in a small thing, i realised just how unimportant i am to them. and.. it hurt alot.. its hurting now.. my heart wants to cry.. because i know i will not be accepted ... but i pray i will be.. i mean.. i really do want to be a blessing.. and im not ... so.. haiz. i have to work on whatever is wrong with me. i mean.. yes. i cannot count on people ANYMORE. i only live for one God. i am living for HIM, not for PEOPLE. i wont care about their opnions...

i guess, i should just be myself, and if they dont like it, TOO BAD :)
but it does hurt. and i do love them. as the bible says, love your enemies... i do try very hard to... but at times i just cannot take it.. i wanna yell at deir face... because its so unfair. life is so unfair. people dont see you for the person you are, and im not exactly good at sharing with people im uncomfortable with. which is practically everyone. how do you think i became a loner?

i still cannot figure out my past. but i know God has plans for me, that i will have a brilliant future, a future that i have never expected God to give me. by faith i am saying this, by faith it Will come to pass. God knows what i want the most in my life. something i never had. something i can never experience.. but i want them to experience it. i want them to be happy. i want to take care, i want to protect... i want to do so much.. i mean.. i already love them though ... hahha. yes. nevermind..

i like protecting people. :) but thats the irony. people who like protecting others usually cannot protect themselves... well. i am going to be everything i can be. if now isnt the time, the time will NEVER COME! i NEED to do something. cannot just study study study. i need an escape.
God is my escape
but i need something else, to balance it all
i have
1. GOD
2. STUDIES
3. i wanna take up a musical instrument..
haha.

thats my dream
to be able to play like a pro. i know by faith i have the potential to.
my drum cher said i was a smart ger, i catch things fast. :) i want to build on what i have
the bible says, what talent you do not use will be taken away.
and i DONT want my talents to be gone from me. because frankly, i dont have many. so im gonna work on the ones i have. :) school made us take a test, to find out what kinda learners each and every one of us are. i scored 5 out of 5 for the section, musical and rhythimic.

and yeah. i alwiz have dat passion........ hahaha.. i cannot wait for the day to come.
God. i love you more than words can say
true, my faith is challenged alot. by peer pressure, by jealosy.. i see others growing in the sprit and maturing faster than me, and its one thing to say i will improve here, and a whole other thing to actually do it!
but i will try my best
i will not do things i will regret.
i am a child of GOD.
time to make it show :)

MUSTARD SEED FAITH MOVES MOUNTAINS.

...
now i know where i stand..
not anywhere high i suppose. .. its so dead. well. for know im just gonna do whatever i can, and forget about worrying. if i cant do it, i cant, whats there to say. ... im so dead..

i suppose thats where. disappointing. guess have to just stand up and move on. i mean, yeah. im nt impt 1. :)

how do i live my life such that when i look back it wont be a big mess.. i mean.. haiz.. i have really far fetched dreams and aspirations.. i doubt i can ever reach them. its so hard. haiz.. what to do what to do. i share my dreams wit ppl they will just laugh, laugh and mock. what can i do. ignore them

pastor preached,
baby christian = thin skin, thick heart
mature christian = thick skin, thin heart..
i feel like crying now...
i mean.. ive made so many mistakes.. im making one now....
and i cannot say i dont care..
..
just feel so dead..
want to pon sch tomorrow.
and yet i cant.

freak it lah.
have any idea how much i want to do well, but i just cant?
its like..
i spent time doing my homework, i am spending time , and ..
i studied, just to realise its not counted for ca.
isnt that like.. wasting time..
i feel like such an idiot lah.
now the moment i pick up my a maths book, i dont understand the effing question im staring at. like hell lah... hate maths. hate the teacher, hate this hate that..

wahlao.. im so pissed lah.
wasted 2 hours.

my homework assignment :
2. discuss if singaporeans generally lack creativity.
its a test tomorrow lah wahlao..
so chim...
so anyway. i spent like 1 hour and 30 mins reasearching on this..
and i din come up wit very many good points lor.

haiya. i scared i fail sia..
dats why studying like until like this..



Discuss if Singaporeans generally lack creativity.
hmmm.. must make it sound chim hor?

Singaporeans do, generally, lack creativity. Creativity is the mental process involving new ideas or concepts, or new ideas in existing ideas. It is generally thought of as a act of doing something new. Singaporeans probably lack creativity because of reasons like they being self centered, their environment, their freedon, their diversity.

Singaporeans, or any individual for that matter, are by nature more willing to use their creativity for themselves or for the organization where they are committed to. People tend to work better in situations where the are more relaxed rather then a situation in which they are tense. They need the freedom to do things they like doing.


arh. heck. i don wanna do le.

3d2008

hows this for a class T-shirt? :P

haha.
have to always remember not to be a bad influence..
seems like dey look up to her so much sia.
i feel so worthless, like what am i.
...
haiz..

oh well.
im ok wit it.
i mean, i live not to prove to any1, even myself, right?
well. have to learn to.

living for 1 purpose...
living for 1 person..
its not dat easy .. haiz..

haha.
when i talked to someone abt a topic dat we both can relate to..
idk lah. felt like i was counselling..
i guess its just talking
well i was thinking

if i tell her not to do anything that she'll regret later on wit her life,
dosent dat mean i ahve to do the same?
cannot be hypocritical and say one thing do another
but how do i do that
its so hard..

worshipping you is joy in itself..
i'll never have to worry again..
in you im strengthened..

in you i feel joy, i feel peace.. i feel love..

oh Lord..
i want a heart after your own heart..
i dont want to falter..
i dont want my heart to die off.
i dont want to be away from you any more..
so.. from today onwards..
i dedicate my life..
i wont make my reputation a bad one, like pastor a r bernard was preaching...
i dont want it to be a stumbling block..
and if you can make a bad reputation into a good one, you can do the same for me :)

haha
idk what cca to join..
cant join back hockey,
den i nid to find something wit really little committment...

was thinking if i join badminton i can slack lor. because on both days that training is, i have art :P so everytime can come late for cca say lesson end late :P den oso i own a racket so don nid buy. but ppl say its dam hard.. must be pro 1... so dats out.. i cant join back hockey... i cant join any sport since im in sec 3.. den all my friends without cca go join media club.. WAHLAO.

what the heck lah. what to do in media
die ah?! O.O
sian leh. stare at com all day
headache
true, can fiddle wit some cool programs
but the sch coms all suck
so im not joining dat.
die die oso not.
haiya
dono what else to do

haizz..
what to do, what to do..

today. go sch,
1st thing pe..
din dare to go high..
ms eileen angry at me..
haiya.

den after dat.. e maths.. 1 hour 10 mins.. torture.. den ss.. den recess... forgot what i ate le. den poa.. can sleep lah. was so bored. isma missed called me when she was sitting just 2 seats away! O.O

den e. geog, cher nvr come :) so , happy happy.. we get 2 free periods.. hahaha. isma was telling me some stuff. well.. i feel happy dat she trusts me enough to tell me :) oh ya. the funny thing was, during maths, i was reaching into my bag, wishing i brought eeyore to sch ... den i realised dat i did bring it :P haha! i really din recall putting it into my bag lah! :P ...

happy..
oh ya. 3rd ear hole kana infection.. so.. isma said close it. so i took out the ear stick loh. wah. dis morning... like the pus alot lah. so er xin... its like.. soft and swollen now.. =.= haiz... so ma fan. sad lah. have to close it.. i was hoping to pierce the 4th ear hole on dat side.. haiz.. now if i go pierce.. it'll just get worse.. WAHLAO!!! O.O
sad...

arhh.. oh ya. had to miss art lesson to go for some toopid china town thing. which i was totally not wanting to go for, den after dat the cher don let me go cuz i didnt hand up my consent form, den i ended up psing valerie again. haiz. what to do?... what to do what to do.

oh ya. francis don let us leave early from efl.. wahlao. idk what to do lah. the week before the competition and we cannot go there to practise.. wahlao.. he dam idiot lah. =.= .. kns.. oh ya. 18 feb... beginning of ca week. not looking forward to it. its like.. time passes by so fast, i cant catch up to it.. hahahaha.. its just an hour since i was at sch. haha. feel like drinking teping...

yeah. today was a better day.

"1st thing
..
i go to camp..
i read your blog..
and see my name
"
R
O
B
I
N
"
in bold?"

haha
ROBIN
hhahas
happy?
:P
biggest font, bold, loudest colour..
like shouting out
ROBIN!!!!!!
hahahaha
..
idk lah :P
just feel like hugging eeyore to sleep and forgetting everything that happened today. it wasnt a good day.. haha. i owe you so much... i mean.. idk.. ive never actually relied on someone this way before.. but.. haiz. i dont know :) when i talk to you.. though its on the phone, i just feel.. i dont know.. i feel happy.. and... yeah.. :P hahaha

you really made my day.. i thought no1 would give a shit. i thought that this bad mood wld stay wit me till tomorrow.. when things would get even worse.

but i mean. haiz.. i do have my doubts.. but idk.. hhaha.. nah! i blogged! and your name was mentioned! :P

cant take it anymore... head pain until what lah...... my whole lifes just one big giant MESS...

and every where i go, its just gonna get more and more messed up. i cant take it lah.. i cant take it anymore... i look back, and seems like everything i ever did was a mistake.. even now. its just to complex for me to understand.. how the f did i do that.. i dont even remember.. all the years spent doing stupid things...wasting my dam life all away.. it can go rot to hell..

i thought i broke free from this.. how the heck am i supposed to feel...
who would care. who would give a shit on how i feel...
i mean..
haiz...what issit i have to do..

what am i supposed to do... i try and try.. and then after its over, i realise i didnt do my best..if im nt impt to you at all, what can i do..

every single i day i wake up, and wish i hadnt.. i wish there will be one day that i'll never wake up ever again. but then i'll end up in hell, wont i. its just gonna get worse and worse and worse and it'll all be my fault. everything always is..

everything i do seems to either BE WRONG or go wrong.. i cant do anything right, huh.. a simple task and i'll fail at it... haiz.. im sorry, i just dont see a future anymore. come to think of it, i never passed sec 1 or sec 2. i just got promoted.

guess im just that stupid. my head hurts. i just wanna be alone ..

WALAO..

i feel so dam fucked up lah. today is the worst day of my LIFE. my effed up life.
1. i kanaed scolding frm ma
2. got grounded
3. she made my com no internet ( im borrowing her laptop now. she dosent know)
4. i simply CANNOT go on friday.
5. i don effing understand quadratic equations
6. i cant do my maths homework because i DONT KNOW HOW
7. since i cant do my homework, the dam chicken face cher is gonna mark me down simply because i CANNOT DO IT.
8. theres no1 i can ask.
die lah
i feel so dam stressed out lah.

the moment i see a maths question i wanna die liao. just wanna take something stab myself. whats the point man. whats the point in everything man. what for do things when i donno what the fuck im doing it for. i cant just FOLLOW. dammit. i hate this. i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this. theres no fucking end result lah


so im just gonna have to struggle wit it
FUCK THIS LAH.
cant depend on any fucking bastard
cant ask any dumbass
....

im so dam pissed................................................



cant wait for sec 4.
once the o lvls are done, den i can take something and STAB THAT DAM BOOK.
STAB A mATHS. STAB E MATHS
STAB FUCKING INDICES AND QUADRATIC EQUATIONS BECAUSE DEY DONT MAKE ANY DAMN FUCKING SENSE.


and then what. i'll go jc or poly. im gonna have to use maths there even. torture again. the maths will be how much harder

FUCK LAH!!!!!!

wherever i go i have to use maths
wherever i go i have to use my weakest subj. it don make sense lah.. kao...

.....................
hate this.....



how the f are we just supposed to just fucking FOLLOW when we dont fucking understand the qn.. how are we supposed to take this fucking pressure.. its like killing me lah.. knn...


then wherever i end up, it all be my fault. i get into the worst combination, thats my fault, i fail ed all but 3 subjs, thats my fault. my attandance i missed 20 days, thats my fault.. i'll end up in a heaven knows where, doing fucking heaven knows what...


i cant scream out, the only thing i can do is cry. cry and cry and cry. like some dam ass baby or what shit. ppl reading this will simply mock at me because its SIMPLE . well to me its not.

to me its torture
to me this IS hell
to me,
HELL =
SHOW THAT (8x^2)^8-r (1/2x)^r = 2^24-4r (x^16-3r)
WHAT THE FUCK LAH
.... HOW THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO SOLVE THAT............

its effing confusing lah...
fine lah.. so for you it will be simple.. chicken feet.. for me this is like... im crying now.../
what choice do i have. i don pass i cant go anywhere. everywhere i go i need maths, wtf..... jiuming..........................

haiz... what to do, what to do..
gonna have to train myself to hear the alarm clock... how, no idea. even if its my ear, i cant hear it.. maybe dats why i love to sleep. or issit the dreams i get.. hmm.. haha. its the dreams i get. :)

nothing to do. might as well use my brain for awhile.
lets see.. in the morning, after i argued wit her, i locked the door den put something in front of it so it would nt open.. since she has the key. den.. well, i forgot about the whole incident, and focused on doing my a maths homework. ironically, the moment i saw the question, i got lost. itslike... so many square roots.... all fraction.. how the f to solve nia. hate maths...

lets see..
this is my subject combination:
1. english
2. e maths
3. a maths.
4. poa.
5. lit
6. e. geog.
7. combined sci - chem bio
8. chinese.
9. art

by right im supposed to take 7 subjects ...
right now the idea i have is i wanna drop a maths..
because its a torture.. i mean, whats the point pursuing something i have totally no interest in. if it dosent help at all in finding a jc/poly, whats the point. don have right.. then again, i dono whether should i.. haiz.. how to drop.. then again, how to go on... i don understand a thing the dam teacher says..
i cant stand my teacher either... "YOU DONT HAVE TO UNDERSTAND. JUST FOLLOW"
i mean, hello, how the heck do you follow what you dont understand. i mean, youre just gonna get lost. haiz.. i hate a maths..i hate her face. hate everything about her.

right now i have to think things throughly lah.. wahlao.. what do i drop.. i mean, now as it is, i CANNOT cope.. i simply CANNOT cope doing pure lit and a maths.. i mean, lit is easy, but have to reflect on the characters leh. its not like reflecting on your life...were given this amt of info, and from that amt of info, we have to see the info in heaven knows how many different angles...

headache..
feel so knn.... time to study i guess..no other choice, since i sleep so much. haiya. gonna check for poly/jc requirments... if i don nid whatever subject, gonna drop le. don care le.
haiya
headache.

feel so sucky.
if i din find the dam vodaphone, i'd still be in confinment. lucky my ma forgot dat she was supposed to tae my phone when i passed it to her when sandy called.
heng ah...
te vodaphone was in the most obvious place it could ever be... her handbag

hope she dosent realise soon, otherwise gonna have to go offline again.

wah. slept from about1 all the way to abt 4..
3 hours..
im still feeling tired nia....
wahlao, its like...
i dreamt of war loh! TIO!!!
got 2 ppl kana chain.. like drama like dat.. den got big big explosion. forgot the rest. haiya. whatever lah. my dreams dam wu liao 1
...
haiya...
by tomorrow everything will be back to usuall..
just my internet connection is a problem...
i dono how to fix back nia..
all the cable...
....
haiz...
irritating sia..

she disconnects my com means she has to disconnect hers as well.
.... then again, she doesnt use it.
.....
wahlao....
now im using her wireless laptop.. since she forget she left it lying around...
and yeah. dats my day

dats my dam sucky day :)
feel like dying liao...
haiya
die die die
lalala
stummuch ache

die lah.

what the fuckkk...
go hear the chorus from three days grace, home..
reflects what im feeling now.
fucked up.
trying to concentrate on some damn a maths ..
its torture enough without so many things in my mind now.

things always ARE my fault in the end.
so whatever i say or do, im in the wrong, yea?
...
what does it matter..
guess i'll distance myself from her.
she won forgive me, i won forgive her..

guess i'll have to distance myself from every1...
my family isnt like a family.. i mean..
friends are ppl i wanna be wit..

right now i dont think i wanna be wit any1..

now i know where i stand...
its all motives behind everything she does..
i do this, you have to do that..
its what she wants in return that she does the things she does for me.
if i cant trust her who can i trust.

i dont want to go.
i dont care if its selfish.
i dont want to go.

i wont i wont i wont.
nothing is gonna make me
yell at me however many times you want.
you'll never make me..

i have my reasons.
reasons you wont understand

i have different values from you.
so thats the problem?
i dont know.
what can i do.

whats the point of going on...

shit.
nid to find an excuse pon tomorrow.
hmmmn.

feel so pissed off again.
...
made a mistake.
haiz.. i don wan to shortchange him, nor do i wanna short change myself.

its torture doing this, just as it is.
back to square one.

things.. just got so much more confusing..
if i thought they were before, how much more now..

yeah. luke 12:22" . . .. That is why i tell you not to worry about every day life, whether you have enough food to eat or enough clothes to wear"

right before that verse was the parable of the rich fool..
luke 12:13-21
"Then some1 called from the crowd, teacher, please tell my brother to divide out father's estate with me. 14 Jesus replied, friend, who made a judge over you to decide such things as that? 14 then he said, beware! guard against every kind of greed. life is not measured by how much you own. 16. then he told them a story "a rich man had a fertile farm that produced fine crops. 18 then he said, i know! i'll tear down my barns and build bigger ones. then i'll have enough to store all my wheat and other goods. 19 and i'll sit back and say to myself, my friend, you have enough stored away for years to come. now take it easy! eat, drink, and be marry! 20 But God said to him, you fool! you will die this very night. Then who will get everything you worked for? 21 Yes, a person is a fool to store up earthly wealth but not have a rich relationship with God.

i dont understand that.

oh well.
haiz... i meant to sleep at 10;30..
its 12.30..hahas. 2 hours. lol. come to think of it, wei jie's band's song, as in , the song dey are playing, when im gone by the click 5.. quite nice :P im addicted to it now..though i cant hear the lyrics..

i dont understand much, come to think of it.. and.. haiz.. seems like today.. i got pissed off at so many ppl... haiz... have to stop showing attitude...
=.=

oh well.

" how it ends."

it was supposed to end?

wish i knew
where to go from here.
wish i wasnt so passive.. to just let myself go wit the flow of circumstances...
wish i had done so much more.

now im just lost

"Well, i have a duty. To wipe of that frown and sorrow in her face and turn it to a smile. At the end of the day."

hahas.
you really did turn it into a smile.. from a frown lasting practically the whole day!! o.O
hahaha
thanks.
appreciate it alot, robin
:')

arigato

if only there was something i could just vent out all my anger, all my frustration on.
i Hate this. its a trap and im falling right head on into it.

all i can do now is just scold fuck this fuck that.
no1s here for me to hit.
and if i hit the wall whats the point. it doesnt feel.
so pissed.
walao...

things just keep coming along that make it worse and worse.

.... how how how..
jiuming..
before cg.. i felt like shit.. and now that its after cg.. i Still feel like shit..
cant seem to do anything without failing at it... and how come is it i always seem to be in a bad mood, always seem to be seeking for something, whats worse, i donno what that something is..

does it matter.. honestly... i Know i dont matter.. because whatever i do i will fail. confirm, huh. relying on promises are so hard. because dey will rarely come to pass, and i'd feel like shit afterwards...

how to stop dwelling in the negative and start dwelling in the positive?
how to stop judging
how to stop thinking everything is a competition...

haiz... jiuming jiuming jiuming..
haiz. whatever i say or do... it dosent matter in the end..
i can dwell in this for years and years to come, and wit each passing year the hurts just keep on increasing, but how is that gonna help me at all..

everytime im the verge of breaking through of this, seems like something keeps on holding me back.. and im still stuck.. its been years, and im still the same. what to do.. if i feel like this, what can i do to change..

im falling in to that abyss i was in previously.. and again, i cannot find a way out

seriously, idk what the heck is going on every single day..
its like
my body here, my soul not here..
even now,
i cant recall
i cant recall what i felt
all i feel is hurts
and hurts again
its not a nice feeling.
left out,
rejected
yes.
......

oh well. should learn to get used to that, huh.
no matter where i go i wld feel rejected, wld feel left out. haha. hilda was reminding me of my past yesterday. not seriously lah, because i was crapping wit her. think we both scared off the 2 guitarists. oh well. if im gonna end up rejected, so shall it be. i cant change what i cannot change, i doubt i can change what i can either. i feel hurt, i feel.. haiz....

who cares what i feel..
i cannot let these feelings get the better of me.. i have to overcome them, but how do i overcome problems to which origin i dont know..

i was thinking.. hilda was saying dat i last time like was blur, dong dong, dam quiet, anything oso answer HUH? .... and now.. how did i change until like this in a matter of 2 years? i became from quiet to nonsensical, to crappy, to.. who knows what...

and yea, itsc onfusing like hell because idk, and no matter how hard i try to find dat answer, i simply cannot. where can i go for dat answer. search my past? no right.. i mean.. haiz.. what can i say..... everything i say is simply a repetion.. a repititon of not knowing?

heck.


a year from now, 2, 5, 10.. where will i be..
where will i end up... where will i go..
i mean, i don wanna look back and say, oh. if only i did this, if only i did that...and yet.. what can i change....... i dont have the means to? well. thats a lie huh. how many more times can i say i dont know.. when will i know a definite answer.. when will i be able to find that timeline.

zzz
..../
"feels like today...
feels like today..
its the one thing im missing"

..
like a puzzle without dat piece
it will never be complete, never be whole..
no matter hw, no matter why..
hahaha

i feel so out lah. what to do.. its like hell.
what to do...

how. i feel rejected all over again.. i feel like shit all over again.. and how do i stop feelings like this.. its like hwll... how... how how how jiuming..


haiyz. i don wanna blog liao.

wahhh
yesterday was so shiok!!!
i mean
wah
practise was dam fun lah!

for 1 thing, we tot the ger wit jun wei was his gf.. in the end, i tink dey overheard us talking about it, den he said
JUNWEI"we look alike mah?"
GER: actually im his sister. im too tall and fat to be his girlfriend"

laughs :P

hahaha!
oh ya, jun wei tot us hw to play SOS, by jonas brothers. but just a few parts.
haha!
ITS SO DAM HARD LAHHH!!
go download and hear the song, den come back here ask me whether hard or nt...

haha.. den after dat we were playing around wit the ipod, because it can connect to the main speaker, which is like.. dam big and dam loud :P so was playing stupid songs! pck sars rap, mee siam mai ham, gatsby, pokemon, mr bean, scooby doo!
den the pck sars rap jun wei go play drums to it, som more ask me rap!
hahahaha
PCK SAY
DON PLAY PLAY
OR DIS TOOPID SARS
IS HERE TO STAY!

haha
!!!
so diao lah!
but..

so bad, valerie is sick..
yeah. so it was hard practising built to last, because we so si guan having a vocalist.... haiz..
but.. hope she gets well soon :)


wah. cant wait for cg sia

ok... this will be a short post.. i mean, i only have 12 minutes. how long can it get....
haiz..
today wasnt exactly a good day..

just saying a few things dat happened,
my cher saw me using my phone, i pissed some1 off, my room is infested with ants, i dont know my homework, STILL havent deceided on a cca

this is like torture.
im just abit more cooled down then i was just now.. my table is still messy, but at least neater den what it was previously...
haiz...
so tired of a messy room. gonna have to start doing something abt dat..
kang said yeah, i cant put the blame on others..
and yeah, i agree.. i mean, i find im always doing that. its to easy to just blame others for your own wrongdoing, isnt it... but.. haiya. ppl Know dat youre not blaming yourself, and you will get like.. idk.. harsher treatment from dem i suppose. idk.

haiya. i hope i didnt do too much damage.. always seem to be speaking before i think.. its like.. the words come out of my mouth before dey are procesed by my brain....

haiya
i cant say anyway, the things im feeling now..
its so confusing..
im so lost, as usual.
anyway, my bed is clean, yore yore somewhere, donkey somewhere, tofu somewhere.... hmmmn.. ami needs a bath. one day. one day soon.. oh man, i miss ami!!! so long never hug it le... haiz.. oh well. i have 7 mins...
what can i write in 7 mins...
haiya...

tomorrow have lesson... thinking of joining badminton as a cca actually.. because its not tough, its not as boring as some other ccas, and its well... the schedule i can cope. i mean, i have lesson till 4, 10 on tuesday and fri, training is tues and fri, i can show up late, giving the excuse dat cher let us off late. and i still will get cca points! :D

HAHAHA!
hope francis lets me join.
hope i can.. hope i can cope.. its so scary being in a totally new situation, wit totally new ppl.. haiz.. thinking of dropping a maths too.. i mean, ppl say dont dont.. but hello, im taking 9 subjects. its not easy leh.

1. ENG
2. MT
3. E MATHS
4. A MATHS
5. POA
6. LIT
7. E. GEOG / SS
8. COMBINED BIO/ CHEM
9. art..

have any idea how hectic it is? dey SAY its combined, but in reality its just a little easier then the pure.. i mean, hello. walao.. just because dey combine 2 subjs into 1 grade, we still have to go for both lessons leh. i mean, normal as the pure, its not like deir lesson 1 hour ours 30 mins... walao.. headache.. always end up staying back later den the pure students.. its so unfair.

go home, no time to anything le...
walao

oh well....
2 minutes left..
what can i do in 2 mins. i just wanna sleep and forget this day ever happened.. its like torture lah. wahlao.. so sad... wanna do something productive oso cannot.
oh well.
life is miserable.

haha
no its not.
it is if you let it be, huh.
i mean, pastor said, the moment your thinking changes, your lifestyle changes.. you begin to grow, physically, spritually, emotionally..
haha
if its dat simple..
i'll start thinking lots
and
changing it
LOTS
X]
i have to go.
:)

sayonara, dont fall down, dont die, dont kana hantam

sad..
i am dwelling in the past..
its so inevitable..
i mean, i cannot run..
however hard i try
im always stuck at dat same spot..
not moving
stagnant.
haiz..

i feel so lousy lah..
if only i didnt do things like that all the time..
if only the words i should have said processed in my mind before i had spoken..
then things wouldnt be so like dat.
cant change what is alr done.
can change what hasnt.
gonna aim on that.

haiz...
tomorrow can wear contacts!
happy happy
hmmmn..
oh well.
guess i made her angry again.
idk why i keep making ppl angry at me..
issit something i said?
gonna have to watch my words carefullyer..
haiz..

sorry, val..
again..
bu shi gu yi de..
i was just joking....
didnt mean anything...
im sorry..

what horror it was
the past the present
the future

and now i have to stand strong
against it all
ive let it go on for too long
how do i breakaway from all that bondage
how..

there has to be
one day
dat im just gonna sit down
and think about it
and open up my mind, jot it down somewhere
try to figure out what ive forgotten..
last time, when i was asked about it..
i told him.. dat i cant remember what happened
i juts remember it was horrible.
and idk why..

is this the day?
i cant even remember why.. its so long ago, and everything was seemingly so innocent..
it was like childs play.. and yet.. what is it, generational?
is it because of some1 else's past dat i turned out this way?
impossible.. how do i not dwell in it. puting my focus on something else?
ive done that for so long.
i dont want to dwell in self pity,
i dont intend to..
and yet.. i dont know the person i am pitying..
i dont even know who i am...
and i wanna let it all go, all the hurts all the frustration..
of not knowing who i am...
i wanna let go, of trying to prove my worth... i mean.. im worth something in God, i am a child of God, and that is the thing dat keeps me going on despite me not wanting to..
i have to kik myself everytime i wanna say a vulgarity, or anytime i have feelings of giving up..
or have feelings of rejection..
but positive thinking only can go this far.
i need some1 else to help me, to guide me along, to help me.. to be concerned...
and i know that ppl are, but..
i cant seem to trust them with anything that is going through my head..
im self reflective, and yet im looking in the mirror and not knowing what is it im seeing.. and i dont have that confidence that i should be having.. i mean... haiz..

ive been relying on God's grace for so much.. without him, i wouldnt even be.. i probably would have committed suicide by now.. and yet.. haiz... i feel so lost .. you know?

the song is playing,
"you are my freedom, Jesus youre the reason..."

and yes, he is my reason. he is my reason to carry on, despite not knowing where im gonna end up.. because i dont have anything to lose. well..do i?
yes.. i do.. but the things i will gain outnumbers the things i have lost 30 fold 60 fold, a hundred fold.. and by faith i will gain it! i dont want to stay here, im not going to stay stagnant my whole life. how can i just stand by and see my life fly past..

ive asked God countless times, oh.. if only he would kill me and end all of this.. but how can that be. how can i be such a coward.. things are not as simple as they seem.. are they? ... on the outside.. i look like such a ... i look like a fun loving creature, like.. i dont know.. i mean, i do nonsensical things.. and.. haiz.. i like making ppl happy.. i like solving people's problems.. i like to be their helper when they dont know where to run to, i like giving them direction when they are lost.. but how can i do that when i dont even know how to solve my own problems...

"Hypocrite, first remove the log in your eye before you help your neighbour remove the speck of dust in his eye" matthew or mark something.
forgot the verse number.
and yet, i will never in my life forget this verse.

it refers to me so much. and yet people say, do not wait for perfect circumstances, because they will never come.. oh Lord deliever me.. i want to just shout everything out.. breakaway from all this. i will never miss delieverence service. i need it so bad! i mean.. every time the prescence is so strong, i want to just scream and let everything go, and close the door that it NEVER comes back..

outwardly, i may seem unafraid of certain things.. i may seem like rock, hard and strong.... in reality.. its like.. i feel so vulnerable.. i mean.. haiz.. thats just my thoughts.. i can.. cry at any small thing..

haha.
this is an emotional personality?
i dont know...
until i know things for sure i cannot judge...
oh well.
i dont know what to post...
one day i'd breakdown..
then whoever is there would know the pain i went through,
the pain that i dont even remember
why do i not remember..
its like the one thing i can never solve..
haiz..

"now all i know,
your forgivness and embrace..

worthy is the Lamb,
seated on the throne,
crown you now with many crowns
you reign victorious,

High and lifed up,
Jesus son of God,
the darling of Heaven crucified,
worthy is the Lamb.."

its always there, the past...
how to forget?
how to let go?

friendships are... well..
i dont know..
i mean... haiz.. im just not good at forming close relationships with ppl i guess..
either i'd let dem down or dey would let me down.
so stupid..
it can never seem to cross dat certain boundary..
haiz.
im feeling drained just thinking about the past.

i wish it wasnt mine.
its so. .. yux.
yuck.

dono why leh.
i slept for 13.5 hours yest...
dats ALOT!
10pm+-11.30am.
den wake up immediately felt like shit.
headache, cough blah blah blah..
so...
yes.. i am at home..

idk why i alwiz sleep so long. dis time i cant remember dreaming of anything.
haiz.....wish i could. dreams are so cool.. like in this world, yet not of this world.. anything can happen, you can do anything you wanna... and its so real, yea? its like.. youre in a totally different world.. den when you wake up.. you feel refreshed, and yet you feel like you just came back from somewhere.. scary lah!
:P

i miss dat.
head hurts like siao nw...
haiyoz
went and cut guava.. den put the powder.. put too much den choked on it
:P
hahahhaha
so dumb lah.
ma just gave me hotwater.
yuck.
dono why leh. boiled water tasted so bad.
like wanna die ...
all the what all evaporate le..
all the minerals die together wit the bacteria?
idk
hahaha
talking nonsense.
haiz...
so tired...... so full! dumb guava
so yucky
=.=
zzzzz
so hard lah..... soft soft 1 nicer... te hard 1 like rock.. how to bite.. eiyur. yesterday the unripe strawberries te worst!!!!! hahahahaha :P
i love complaining
X]
missing sch.
thank GOD im not there.
if im there i'd be zzzing in class now.
seem to be sleeping alot.
and everywhere.
hahaha
k, i'll stop here.
bb!

yeah??
tired.
another sch day..
another time ppl despise my beliefs.
another time i feel mocked, i feel insecure, i feel hurt..
and yet time and time again, i have to tell myself to go on..
to press on despite the challenges and obstacles i have to face!
why?
it was just yesterday my faith was so strong, and what,
am i gonna let it just go because of people's words and actions?
no!
:)

baby christian = thin skin, thick heart.
mature christian = thick skin, thin heart.
so i will be thick skinned :)
whatever ppl say.. i wont let it get to me.. i wont let words destroy me.. i wont let myself be hurt by thoughts of revenge, and of hatred...
instead replace them with thoughts of love and peace and joy..

and no matter how people think i am,
let them think
i can never please the critics, as pastor said.
i dont want to.
i know who i am
i dont have to prove anything, even to myself.
i Know it.

is this the narrow way?
it hurts alot..

i believe.. help my unbelief...
i lean not on my own understand, but yours .. your ways are higher than my ways, i listen to your word...

haha.
today i have z2h lesson..
combine prac..
OH MAN, I WANNA PON IT SO BAD!!!!
have to treasure the time i can spend in church,because i'll never know when i cant go there anymore.

haiz..
its been such a burden dat i actually dreamt of possibilities to get to service on time. diao hor? .... its like.. haiyoz! ...haha, anyway.. my dreams v. pro.. like always revolve around toilets. went wit valerie and hilda into 1, den some aunty come talk talk.. we were so sian.. hhaha! idk why always toilet toilet toilet!!!! =.= DIAO!

the rest of my dream i cant remember...
hahaha
anyway, service will be great later.
it always is.
but today it'll be greater.
should i cab down? ...hmmmn...
or should i just rush down with isma dey all? how to.. haiyoz. i don wanna be late again =.=
hmmn.
think 1st think 1st X]

i really donno what to post anymore..
i am still hungry for God :)
thank God for that.
and yet..
why issit i feel so..
outsider..
im not a part of them, dat much i know...
i cant remember what he said, but when he said it, my doubts were confirmed.
i am not a part of them.
i doubt i'd ever be,
and.. i dont care dat dey will read this or not.
its true.
i mean.. yeah...
how?
die alone..

how can i. how can i be a part of them, its like im from a whole seperate world. can tell.. dat dey dont like me the way i am.. the noisy at wrong time.. yeah. im aware.. and.. i'd alwiz feel compared, i'd always feel judged... posting this wont change things, will it? no.. well yeah. it will make things worse. yea. i do not belong there. where do i belong. in the house of God? what a joke. if i do, where are my neighbours.. so few ppl i regard as true friends, i cant mix ard wit the whole cg, and what, is dat my wrong? yeah.. haiya.

what can i say.. im mixed blood, so i have more things to worry about? no right? ... then why did she tell me i do. she said.. the day will come, where chinese will have their own group, indians theirs, malays, and others... and where will i go.. in that small group dat the mixed ppl are.... idk why she said that. but.. i never forgot it, and i never will. not once, not ever. i know from young dat i AM different.. i know from young dat i CANNOT trust ppl..because dey are Bound to let you down eventually. expectations are destroyed... hopes are lost... everything is GONE!

and yet.. in the house of God.. i feel a peace, i feel a happiness that words cant explain.. i wanna share it with ppl i do actually care alot about, but dey keep on rejecting me.. and.. how much will it be a burden, that they wont get saved if i do nothing.. and yet, when i do something, dey tell me to stop... i felt so discouraged.. its like.. i felt like i did nothing for them.. im blessed to be a blessing, arent i? why am i just taking and not giving... how can i give? invite them to follow me down for service after band prac?

haiz.... .how.. how do i change what i have no control over.. cant... ... oh well... right now my main GOAL is to forgive, and forget.. i dont wanna follow pastor tan, i dont want to remember. but i'll never trust them again... never never never. learn from dat mistake. dont expect too much. haiya. i miss alvina.. i miss jiaying.. i miss wendy. i miss beeleng.. i miss mavarick, i miss pb... all the role models i look up to.. all those whos sprituality i cannot even begin to imagine.. i cant believe how experienced they sound.. its so awesome.. they know the promises, they act out the word.. and they have that confidence.. i admire it so much..

what is having a heart after God? ... putting him 1st in everything? ... pastor tan preached.. if you dont put in the big rocks in your life, they will never fit in afterward.. the rocks are the impt things to you, arent they.. god has to be the biggest rock? oh.. he is my rock and my salvation, and i will lift up my hands and praise him.. forever and ever i will worship, i wont stray.. no matter how hard things seem.. i will know where my future lies, i will know its in Good hands... and nothing, NOTHING will ever make me doubt my faith again. its not a thing thats strong ONCE and forgotten Later. its not like a candle, that burns for awhile.. its like.. its like.. .. cant find any analogy. HECK! IT'LL LAST FOREVER AND EVER! ...

i wanna have a heart after you.. i wanna have faith, i believe, help my unbelief.. i wanna feel you so bad!!!! cant wait for tomorrow! SERVICE!!!!!!!!! ...

im thinking how am i gonna reach there by 12.. i dont want to ever miss praise again. its torture.hmmm.. how.. cab down is .. 12.60.. eugene still owe me 1.30 X]

sian sian..
so ex...
walao..
i dont wan own self cab.. then again.. who to cab down with me..
dots..


k
i'll stop here.
sayonara X]
ja mata ne

no matter what i do,
things wont change for the better.. not yet, not now..
and..
well.. what am i doing?
i try to take control of my life, but i cant, can i... i cant seem to be able to... and.. i want his prescence to come and fill me again, but why issit i cant, and...
im just not me anymore..
since sch reopened, ive been saying vulgarities like nobody's buisness.. i've been backstabbing, sure those ppl deserved it, ive been gossipping, ive been cursing.. i've been poning...
im not worth any1's trouble...
nor am i worth any1's time..
nor effort, nor company?

yeah.. am i really dat emotional? and yet, who can i count on.. i CANNOT be myself, because im not secure in dat position! and if im not, how can i just relax and take things slow? im not exactly a emotionally strong person.. im not secure, in dat sense..

.. yeah. i cant keep on depending on others, rite.. dey are bound to let me down.. i mean.. i expect this... and when they dont.. i feel so.. well. i feel miserable.. and yet.. i see others doing things for others.. but no1 for .. haiz. why is the cg just so complicated.. ppl would tell me its complicated if you want it to be, but somehow i dont find it simple. somehow.. i just.. idk.. im just not up for the challenge, i guess.. its one challenge i have to turn down...why? because if i dont mean anything to dat some1.. i dont belong.. i dont.... ...

i want some1 to pour out my feelings to, and yet.. i cant trust any1 enough to do just that. how many times have i trusted some1, and that they let me down... countless.. i told them my expectations, and it was really simple. like being on time for once, or not spreading secrets. how hard is that. and yet.. no.. no1 would care.. and.. haiz.. i feel so .. dead... i dont wanna cry to some asshole who will tell me its ok, because den i'd feel bound to dat person in a certain way.. ger or guy... i'd just feel dat we are close, and i can feel dat when you are hurting, and you can feel when i am.. and yeah, i do have friends like that.. but no1.. no1 knows how much hurt is going through my mind right now.. no 1 knows what is going on in my heart right now.. its like a dagger stabbing and stabbing, and the more days go by, the harder it pokes into the flesh. and the more the blood flows.. and the more the bruises appear, the more misery it causes. what can i do?

i can blame everything on every1 else, but in the end, isnt it my fault? im not impt to ppl. i know dat... haiya.
what can i say..

whatever i say.. ppl will disagree.. ppl will say its not true.
maybe its not.
maybe its just nonsense.
who knows, who cares....

what the fuck is happenin to me..

"where is the hungry for God eliz i noe"

i dont know.. i dont know where i went..
its like.. on fire for a short while... den..
so many distractions came in.. and..
well..
i dont like straying from god's prescence, i like cg and i like church..
but sometimes the ppl dat im wit make it really hard for me to just be myself..
because im not a sociable person?
idk
pressure?
idk.
who am i.
haiya.
so pissed off... nothing much will change it anyway.

haiya.
so tired lah.

...
forever.. and ever..
the typos still lasting.. k, i dont edit dem ar?..

today os shhiok... saw alcina and jiayimng at bk.. shok lah!!!! .. see the typos? =.=
k.
edited.
today. went , after sch, wit isma and val go mac eat den bk study.. so unexpected, saw jiaying and alvina!!! wah. i think isma and val felt dam out. hahaha...anyway, was so great seeing dem.. made me so high.. though i was alr high, made me higher :)

idk.. today lesson was quite good.. i didnt make a fool of myself, so.. yeah!
anyway.. new goal.. i wanna finish dat life skills application bible, 2307 pages long, by 1st march. dat means serious reading! :P waka waka... k k..
im tired.
hope eugenes not too angry
wah
valerie talk to him until dam jialat.
i think hes uber sorry for himself now, and uber pissed..
i mean,
who likes getting scoldings.
anyway,
i dont like thinking eugene likes pulling us down, but i like to think he really cant make it.
hope he can prove he can be committed enough for this.
otherwise i have nothing to say.
...
we are all counting on you, man.
it isnt easy to just find some1 else. to replace.

today..
was supposedly the best day of the week.. and i feel like shit... why ar?
...
had a few bad dreams... dreamt of losing.. rejection.. ok, dreams dat had the last say of losing, rejection. anyway.. yeah..i guess im competitive in dat sense.. but why..

i cant let go of the past hurts apparently.. i cant forget them, and it still hurt me alot..... i cant let go! ...haiz... hw the heck am i supposed to move on..? i cant even forget these.. haiz. what to do? .... jiuming... haiya. cant afford to go into depression again.. will seriously neglet my studies, and i cant afford dat either... not again.. have strict boundaries.... =.= haiya.

dont know how to trust ppl? is dat the bottom line of why i became like this? ... dont know. ma has been telling me stories from young, as young as i can remember.. which is k1 k2.. of hw nt to trust ppl, and the hurts she had to go through for me =.= ... haiya. long story. and.. yeah. did it have a negative effect on me? was that the reason i didnt dare speak up at all? was dat the reason i became emotional? was dat the reason i becamse somewhat a loner? dont know.. or issit genetics? :P

when will i know for sure.... oh ya. i dont feel well today. or any day for dat matter. guess it makes no apparent difference. i'll still die in the end, and in the end, it dosent even matter...

hhaha..
come to think of it..
its scary..
dat 1 event can take place, and so many ppl can have so many different versions of the story of the certain event.. scary lah! different points of views.. might have been heaven on earth for some1, and hell for some1 else...

ahhaa
was thinking abt dat on the way home =.=

walao! my hand got problem lah! keep making stupid typos. i now type is like my hand is flying on the kayboard or something.. its like floatind gown there... see my mistakes? im nt gonna backsaace.. muahahahaaaa!!! :D

WHYY
its so irritating lah wlao..
...

cant say what i wanna say, weill....eh.. wah. from still become weill..hhahaha!!! dots! still.. hmn.. haiya. forgot what i wanted to say in the 1wt place. *1ST place. yeah. nothing much to do, lesson ended at 3.35... den folo isma and val home.. don dare to call ar, wait the officer answer again. wah.. i scared i scared =.= SORRY!

but ya..
ehhh..
alot.. typooo.. typo tpo toypo..
wahhhlao
haiya. donno what to do. forgot to ask francis for my locker. nw im thinking, i dont really dare to ask him.. aiyo! DIE LAH!> I NEED MY LOCKErr...
grrrrh
walao,
suan le.
dont feel like blogging :P

haha.
im so bored ..
was reading ppl's blogs..
seems like every1's typing posts dat have messages behind them.
haha. i havent done dat for a long time.
ok.
Seemingly a long time.
chim terms, bombarstic words..
blah blah blah.

what can i say?
haha... that has been like.. my most more common phrase.."what can i say? what more can i say?" well.. other den the "idk, huh? arh? what? HUH? ARH? HUH? ARH? I DONNO!"

hahas.. yeah. i said in the beginning of the year i'd stop the arh and the orh and the huh.. apparently.. i cant. its like..walao.. a part of me lah. i cant say anything other den mmm arh, orh. ... haha... its like i have limited vocabulary. haha.. my english cher was saying, you dont use bombarstic words to sound smart, just use synonyms dat are nt as common :)

den whe went on describing how to pronounce latte... apparently is LAAAA TEH.
stretch the lahhhh...
=.=
dots lah.
....
KOPI ARRRHHH
...

im still sampling new artists, and new genres... haiyo, i mean, walao.. ppl see my ipod, have 1000+ songs, but in reality, i only listen to 50 of them, and i only know for sure only about 50 of what i have. the rest is just i heard once or twice.. den just dump it there. worse, i never even heard it at all.

1221.
theres alot of tracks in my download folder dat i havent heard yet. now im just sorting out those i know i have. haiyo. its so hellish =.= .... lalalala X]
thank GOD for limewire.

i cant seem to post long posts anymore.
arh heck. i'll try to :P ....

hmmmn.. 1st.. nid to find a topic...
hmmmmmn..lets see.. what can i talk about for end on end....

haiyoo!!
today .. somethings wrong wit me..
seem to be exceptionally HYPER!!! :D
bwhahaha
X]

wanna take something and hit something..
feel like running
run around and sweat like shit.
hahaha
what was funny the previous drum lesson i had is dat.. cher ~ jun wei~ was trying to get me to hit the cymbal louder... he was defining CRASH :P
haha..
den he said imagine the cymbal is ______'s FACE :D
wah!!
HIT LIKE SIAO LAH!!!!
X]
shiok feeling
X]
isma is the 1 lah! she tell me dats why learn drums, can vent your anger on it.. wah. after she said dat, and she played abit on the drums, WAH WE ALL GO HIGH!!!! HHAHAHA!! i feel really GREAT! ok, i felt really GREAT! it wasnt recent.. haha.. but anyway! shiok!
can hit until like theres no tomorrow! hahaha!!!

so happy dat we can play till the bridge.. though w/o the guitarist dat day when we practised,.. its ok lah. i trust him dat he will not let us down? will you? ...

hope nt..
haiya
tired.
wanna die.
at the same time too hyper to die!


X]

haha..
felt something just now..
feel uplifted :)

feel happy!
DESPITE SOME ASSHOLE TAKING MY LOCKER!
walao.. now nid ask valerie or isma or twin follow me ask francis take hammer break the damn lock... walao.. francis scold den how.. some more i didnt go see him abt the cca thing.. arh. die le. anyway, i dont intend to waste 35 dollars on a locker 102 dat some1 else KOPED!??!?!?

WALAO!

..
tea is bitter..

"oink oink
roar"

SOME DUMBASS GO AND STEAL MY LOCKER

i was wrong ..
haiz..
i've really never felt this way before..
i just hope these things dont repeat themselves..
dont know hw much more of it i cant take ..
but..
T_T
nw i can fang xin
@_@
love is a strange thing..

haiz.. no matter what happens..
arent i still the one in the wrong..
why can i never take a stand..
im like always in the middle, full of doubts and full of anxiety..
full of just waiting to get hurt.. isnt dat why i get hurt easily?
am i subconsciously looking to get hurt?
..what have i done..
hurt some1 i care about..
and yet.. how do i care about..
i cant take it..
the pressure, everything..
i should have committed suicide when i wanted to.
beause now its like hellish situations....
so many things i dont understand,
motives, reasons, explainations..
i dont see the big picture,
and what am i supposed to focus on...
what the fuck is going on?!?!
hw many more nights will i cry myself to sleep, how many more times can i cut before one day i get too deep??
im tired of the hurts as much as you are, and yet i cant face them like you can.. im in the wrong. but what do you want me to do?! i cant forget what happened... i cant see where it is going.. i cant understand where the fuck im gonna end up! maybe i should just go to sleep and never wake up, because ive gone and landed myself in a fucking mess i apparently cannot escape from. and it hurts.. why.. dey said dis is what.. rescuer? who the fuck cares.. i dont know what to do.. what issit dat makes christians different from secular ppl.. God? i feel so challenged during this whole situation, and now i dont know what the fuck ive done... some1 tell me... take my life.. i dont know what to do with it anymore... who do i have left. nobody.. i'll just be left on my own, dreams never fufilled. what have i mistaken what for what... i dont dare to do this, i dont dare to do that.. i just want peace in my heart.. i dont feel dat peace.. where am i... where the fuck am i.... jiuming... the magitude of hw hard it hurt is nt as bad as last time.. and yet..why does it hurt like this..

i've no idea whats been goin on...
its like..
things have been rushing by so fast..
i dont have enough time to even reflect..

im no idea where i stand, where i am..

anyway, thanks, kimberly and calvin.. for .. haha.. counselling me :P
appreciate it.. the care and concern.
the butterfly :)

im confused...
will God take me back under his wing no matter what i am?
the scar will alwiz be there..
momentary or permanent.
im 14, dammit.
....

wanted to read dat bible...
den read few words.. realised didnt have the heart to do it.
dont have the patience... cuz im reading from a bible dat is 2307 pages long. its torture. and im only at genesis 5...... haiz. by march i'll finish it. hope God can forgive me...

hope ppl can forgive me..
i really dont know what im doing..
been living by God's Grace for so long..
i dont wanna stray.....

ITS NOT PON OK!!?!?!?!?
i morning really like wanna die le..
dono why..
lethargic..
te nite b4 ma came in, said i gt fever..
miracle morning nt dat bad.
anyway,
got an mc,
which i lost liao,
and...
hahaha
lucky no medicine.

wah.... so tired....

oh ya!!
im sampling different genres :P
since im gonna be home all day, might as well make it productive X] ... haha.. like what im doing is productive lyk dat =.= ...........

i still donno whether my heart is where i am.. as in, arh. hw to say...
suan le
=.=

what to do what to do..
=.=

reading the harvest times...
making me have alot of doubts..
haiya
im so confused
=.=
....

oh ya.
yest, isma left her hp in her cab,
and den she teared, because it was her ah pa's hp she was using..
den.. only i was wit her lah.
so... i silently prayed, dat it would somehw return or something..
den we waited down tere in case the uncle heard the ringing and drove back...
but no such thing happened...
so we went to lesson 1st..
we kept on calling her hp.. even asked valerie to call... den
den when the whole situation was almost forgotten,
a caucasion answered the phone!
was like WAH
power
den she asked the cab driver to drive back to henderson, and on the fare, so she pay everything, and... aha.. its like ask driver tompang a phone there
thank God lah!!!!!
:D

so happy...
i mean, usually singaporeans dey will just take out the sim card and steal the hp!
:D

who am i, dat you would know me frm te start.. set me apart..

seems like i cant do anything right..
all i want is the assurance dat when dat day comes, things will go smoothly.. dat we can all play tgt. not like now, this timing, dat timing..den for me, i dont even know which roll at when and when at when... haiz.

den nw what am i doing? trying to get ppl to do what dey can..
i guess i'll stop trying. im not doing the best i can either.. guess dat puts me in no position to judge. ... haiya. leave it up to leader lah. im just another extra. =.= .....

its cutting into my time so much lah... like.. cant do this, cant do dat.. all because have lesson.. tired, sleeping late, missing cg.. havent missed church yet.. but. haiya.. hate this.

i dont have time for anything. and im not playing the instrument i actually wanna play. sian lah. on thurs... played it for awhile.. wah. heart pain sia... felt like crying.. dono why oso. dumb lah
=.=

tio.....

what is there to say?
...
tomorrow..
lesson..
3pm-6pm, combined prac.
eugene, plz get your effing chords right. can you actually learn to play something? dont use being away for 20 days as an excuse anymore. its irritating, frustrating, and we are all feeling pushed to the limit by you. feel like kiking you lah.
.............

....
...
tomorrow... dont think i can go for cg le.. guess i'll never know what the hell im missing ... hope service can cover it. so many things happened lah. haha. i say dat alot. "so many things happen dat i cant keep track of what happened at when." and its frustrating me like shit.

lucky today chem cher didnt come. otherwise have homework, which i lost, and have test. which i really didnt have time to study for. confirm F. hahaha. but she din come!!! :D so happy.. the relief cher no hope. she nag we all zzz... isma was drawing a pic of nick i think.. jonas brothers. totally look like lah! except the eye was messy and the hair no hope. :P sorry arh, isma. :P hahaha.... oh ya. den.. assembly.. so missed 1/2 of chinese. den later SS .. relief cher come in ask us do questions and pass up by dat time.. is like writing essay or what lah. im so happy i finished and got to art on time.. because other ppl end sch at 3, but i still have lesson, and cant afford to be late. will kana hantam i tink. but haha.. this time lucky lor. cher went for course i think. den.. haha. left us wit nth to do, so we sit dere and tok, and i completed sketching the hand i was supposed to do :)


...
den wait for val...
den.. tok to him..
den saw shan..
den shan left..
den... went walk walk at tiong...
drank bubble tea...
den.. i forgot le.
:)
oh ya
met him go vivo..
went arcade
so pai seh, we played 3 times,
i won 2/3
but the 3rd time.. dono why lah. i hit the puck it fly =.= SO PAI SEH LEH! almost hit ppl.. its like.. so frequently last time i alwiz do dat.. make it fly.. but now like nt so often.. so got a shock when it fly.. haha...

dont know whats gonna happen tomorrow. cant wait to dream...

haiz.
cant stand my a math, e math cher..
its like.. wah.. she today.. lesson lnly 35 mins, she made me so angry until i cry lah walao..

walao. she scold me, and whats worse
she said
"YOU DONT HAVE TO UNDERSTAND, JUST FOLLOW. YOU DONT UNDERSTAND BECAUSE YOU DIDNT PAY ATTENTION"
well guess what.
the time she was teaching, i was paying attention, and i dont recall her saying any fucking thing abt having another notebook, and what in what and what..

and what made me so angry is dat she said , to the class som more.
"whats there to understand? just follow formulas"

fucking unfair lah.
damn bitch
chicken face
effing motherfucker.
haiz
what good is this
she wont see it anyway.
im wasting my time.
haiz.

haiz.
feeling abit down..
1st thing wake up,
ma nag nag...
TURN OFF THE ALARM CLOCK LAH. WAKE UP ALL THE NEIGHBORS DEN YOU KNOW

...
for 1 thing,
the alarm clock is so soft dat sometimes i cant even hear it.
2nd thing,
the neighbors are either 2 walls away from my room or 1 storey down.
hw the heck are dey supposed to hear it =.=
.....


nw.. got stummuck ache..
haiz...
abit worried.. later..
haiz.
gonna reach home late tonite....
lesson at 7..
haiz.
im gonna folo isma there at 6...
but.. will i leave alone? ... dontknow.. haiya. fan zheng i got direct bus so heck.

i...
dont want to be a burden.. to you, to anyone..
and.. .. so.. dont make descisions based on what you told me..
if you have to, so be it...
i dont know whats going on anymore..
alwiz dat blur blur face staring (@___@)""""
haha
.. but..
yeah..
yea, i'll be sad.. i'll be confused..
but i'll get over it..
i dont wanna be something dat holds everything back..


ahhahah..
no idea what i just said =.=
lalala.
im still lost
=.=

thx.. calvin..
for sharing the verse.. jeremiah 29:11...
"for i know the plans i have for you", says the Lord, "they are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and hope."

i was feeling so down only minutes ago..
haha.
teared.

yeah.. i guess.. i cant rely on ppl for my joy, and for my sadness..
i cant rely on them for anything..
but then again, hw easy issit to trust a God who cant be seen..
no eye has seen.. no ear has heard...
something something something...
=.=

is that faith?
... dont know..
how many times will circumstances take away dat faith..
dont know..

why all the questions and the dono answers.. =.=
dono..
.....


God.. i lean on you.. wholeheartedly..and.. i lean on you for understanding, i know in you i am saved.. in you i am healed.. i am forgiven, i'll never be forsaken again..

somehow..
ive really lost that fire dat i had..
i dont want it to be a one time thing, where i just be so fervent for awhile, and now... its like.. some1 brought a extinguisher..
but isnt God the author and finisher of our faith?
i hope mine dosent get finished nw..

things have been the same,
im getting buried under all the pressure.
...
and..
it don matter anymore i guess..

haiz
things have been moving so fast, its so hard catching up le..
reached home at 10.30, and nw by the time i can actually do anything, im like.. too tired to do anything lah. walao. i wanna die..


haiz. i have enough things on in my life to start worrying about another thing lah. walao.... seriously no time.. last time is wanna play so say no time, nw is HELL lah. .. . . walao..

oh yea. 1st art lesson today. dey asked us to shade boxes and draw hands. dumb hor? hmm.. dono lah, anyway. haiz. siao leh. the whole class except for 3 gers are idk dem de... wah.. its like, we 3 so extra.. so noob lyk dat. haiyoh. sian... anyway, haiz..

z2h, eugene gave alot of problems. it was torture lah. told him clearly, at 5, meet. den i caleld him at 5, he at home, cabbed down. lucky jun wei was late lah. otherwise we die liao. eugene ar.. haiyo. i donno what to do le. =.=

i guess.. things have been going lyk dat for so long.. wassit taken forgranted? dont know.. but.. haiyo. guess i realise hw impt he is to me... hw sad i'd be if...and hw happy i'd be if .... yeah.. bt at the same time.. im still so confused....donno what the heck is going on, half the time.. haiz..

i dont have time for myself anymore... hate that. oh yeah. the most perfect thing, is that from now onwards, i have to stay back till 4.10 every single day, for extra lessons! :D
YAY!
... torture lah.
wahlao.

i dont know whether i can cope,
wit sch alone,
den z2h,
den church,
although its just 3 things,
its like .. taking up all my time
im left coming home at .. this time..
haiya.
sec3, sec4..
is hell lah.
sec1, sec2..
dey are so lucky
cherish that time you have lah ..
dumbasses!!
IM JEALOUS LAH!!!!

...
haiz.
no mood to post whats going on inside.
i'll end here.

haha
what was weird last nite is dat my playlist like kept on playing christian songs lyk dat..
it wasnt delibrate!
:P
haha..

wah
i scared leh
today.. put in contacts..
the right side like..
dam pain..
as in, the contacts dat area wasnt pain, it was the side of the eye..
scary leh. den i move my eye, den wah. red. =.= den nw wear left side, dis time is contacts pain. wah. red.sian. donno whether can wear or must take out.
haiyoh.
later have lesson. sian lah.
...he better nt be 1 hour late again sia =.= ..

haiz
so many things happened dat pissed me off...
i mean. .come on.. because i almost got retained, i guess mdm mas, went and told the chers to report to her my academic progress.. den.. wah. i get caught for small things lah. just because i forgot ot bring a damn worksheet, i had to sit in front of the class for the whole lesson.. almost had to blink back tears. shame lah. i felt like shouting at dat dam cher's face.
...
and yet, what right do i have. im just another student. whats worse, i have dat reputation. haiz. what the hell lah. :)
i love my sch man. so many bastards.
.....
so pissed lah...
haiz.
but, anyway, the thing dat was kinda good today, is that whatever friendship problems dat have been going on are resolved partly. :) thank God. i was so worried abt dat. ... haiz.. haha

yeah.. suppose really need to rely on the strength of the Lord.. im not strong enough to cope with this, the pressure, the.. well.. the expectations.

well.. haiz. ultimately.. yeah. its my choice whether i wanna backslide in my heart or stay close to God.. right? i mean. what issit that captivate ppl to jesus christ? why issit dat christianity is so strong, whilst other religions dont have much evangelism.. why? then again, christianity isnt a religion, like pastor said, its a relationship.. and my relationship is dying.... i need my saviour back in my heart.=.= haiz.. oh Lord.. im gonna.. try to do whatever i can.. oh Lord..

what more can i say..
i've been feeling so worthless.. the usual problem, yea, my weakness is self worth.. so.. yeah.. low self esteem.. dat kinda things.. been thinking, maybe i dont need God. but CANNOT<>!>! i dont wanna be lyk last time so jialat.

small things cry cry lyk siao ar..
walao.
oh ya. today madam mas talked to me for 5 mins, and i teared leh. ... felt so walao.

i feel that ive been walking in the shadows for so long, that ive lost sight of what i was walking towards.. the light at the end of the tunnel is diminishing.. its faint, and im starting to lose direction.. but why should i just let my self go astray.. there are two paths visible.. and no1 can choose for me which 1 i should take.. they can encourage, they can urge.. but.. which one... haiz..

lately.. i feel no purpose left in life.. it sucks.
i feel, that what am i here for..
i know what i aspire to do, but..
hw can i do it..
hw many will look and mock.
yeah.

and after it all, what will be the end?
will i get mocked more than usual?
the jeers make up most of the audience.
...
and..
what pastor preached..
focus...
put your heart, your mind into it.. and you will suceed..
but hw do i do that..
i cant even cope with the basic minimun..


haiyah.
im just crapping again.
thinking too much.
arh who cares.
...

okay.
i dont wanna end the day pissed.
so..yeah.
otherwise what the hell am i doing up at 11.
ok its early... but..
i'll fall asleep.
yea, can list all my bad points.

short attention span
violent
noisy
quiet
irritating
who knows what else.
..

most is short attn span.. 5 mins forget everything. haiyo. memory like hell.. oh ya. the worst.. when i fall asleep in lesson.. its like.. my soul leaves lyk dat.. see eye like no expression.. hahaha.. funni lar. den i was like.. wah.. cannot remember even falling asleep or getting up. =.= diaonz.

but.. haiya.. i dont know lah.. im so confused.. its.. haiz....
i dont wanna post anything i shouldnt, and yet.. haiz..
feel so worthless....
what the hell is the point of a blog? to tell ppl hw you feel, right..
or issit something dat kaypos nth else to do go tell other kaypos abt deir day.
idk.
or is a blog just a b. l. o. g. simple four letters.
wth.
or issit an internet diary? O.O
so ironic.
an
internet
diary.
arent diaries supposed to be private? and.. like.. handwritten or something =.=..
arh wtf
.....
feel lyk dying.
so confused lah. ..haiz.
wah...
i cant even be myself on this damn blog.....
haiz...............


who am i.
i still donno.
some dumbass
dat gets angry easily
and half the time doesnt show it
so breakdowns, this, that...
yet, who can i trust, to be here for me.
im just getting worse and worse? is that it?
i dont know!
i honestly dont know..
because what i thought was, wasnt, and what i knew wasnt, maybe is.
does dat make sense?
....
haiz..
i just.. im so confused..
dats lyk the only thing i can say.. im CONFUSED.
lalala..
arh the hell wit it.
tomorrow.. i havent done my hw yet lah...
dont understand the effing e maths, a maths whatever shit...haiya
tomorrow recess..
gonna
study. for once.
damn chem test
arh, heck
it'll take me 10 mins to finish studying
there!
STAMP, CHOP.
A GUARENTEED F.
.....
just like everything else, huh.
an F.
a big red F.
when will the day be when i get an A.
then again, As are also in red.
hahahaha.
so dumb.
=.=
arh, who cares.
guess never?
then again, i dont study mah, what do i expect to have.
so i dont lyk studying, what else can i lyk to do?
last year, i asked ppl dat when i was bored, dey said "do something productive"
i was online for like 4 h and 15 mins.
is that productive?

sure i was watching something,
but
issit productive?
no, right?
....
yeah.
haiz
im just wasting my life away again.
and i still can complain!?!?
seriously, i have no idea what the hell im talking abt.
just ranting
maybe should seriously start posting SOMETHING, dat ppl wld actually READ.


what should i do.. i;ve lost the direction i desperately need... and haiz.. what can i do, seriously..i put my heart, my mind to something, and yet i can slack off at it. haiz. its so dam stupid. its not something i WANT to do. haiz, why cant i ever do things i actually wanna do. den wont i put my heart to it? come on, what idiot finds it fun to do things dat he or she hates. no1 rite..? ...

yeah. but we dont have a choice, do we. no1 has a choice, do they? sure they have a choice, but hello, hw damn limited issit.. you cant get anywhere you Want to get.. its always depending on connections.. on.. appearance.. on.. attitude.. on attractiveness.. skill? i dont know. HAIYA IM TOKING NONSENSE LAHHHHH....


DUMBASS SHIT IM TALKING NONSENSE LARRRRRR
WALAOOOO
FINE
I"LL SIGN OFF
feel like reading the bible
maybe dat will change me from the inside out.

i feel like taking a dagger and sticking it down my throat..
so frustrated.
so far,
things have been going worse and worse
honestly, whats the pt of wasting time and money on something dat totally dosent help at all.
if theres no interest in it, why continue?
lemme ask you why?
O.O

stupid dumbass.
i cant shout back, right..
so what can i do
just sit here and bleed to death
oh
ahhhh..
im so scared..
oh aaahhh...
the torture, the torture
i dont care, man
....
..........
dumbass.
so effing pissed lah. wahlao
.....
lalalala...
lahlahlahlah..

i...
am..
so..
fucking..\
pissed ..
off.....
arrrhhhhh........................


frustrating...
..

hmmn
suddenly i feel hyper.
nt bad sia
X]
WAAAHAHAHAHA
MUAHAHAH
MUAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHA
hw i wish i have a gun
den wont all my damn problems be solved? sure its running away, but what other choice do i have, honestly.
if i cant face them, who will for me.
oh. rephase.
who will i let face them for me.
no1 right?
hello.
....
haiya
im just toking nonsense lah walao.
damn emotions got to my brain
and making me go gila or wat
...
lalalala
im gonna see my dad!
sure,
in the mental hospital.
........
ask him take me there 1 day
see siao gila ppl
just like me
yay.....


come to think of it.
who am i
that i should even try to help others wit deir problems.
i cant even solve my own.
i rant and rant
and the vulgaraties is like halleluyah.
...
what can i do.
its
hypocritical lah.
the thing im most afraid of, right?
oh .
yeah.
who knows
who cares.
lalalala
dammit..

haiz.
today.. nt really a good day for me.
early morning, was late lar. went for lesson... den.. hmmmn...
saw jonathan and every1 there... at.. eh. at.. tiong.. i was 5 mins late, supposed to meet val and isma and janice and eugene... den.. dey all go, i oso go... den we go for lesson lor. eugene.. eugene was 1 hour late... and the lesson? guess what. it was 1 hour long. eugene showed up when every1 was leaving. pro hor? O.O den whats the worst, we cabbed down to service, leaving me with NO $$$ LEFT! zz.. if every sunday lyk dat.. can die le.. was thinking of asking the boss whether can reach early and end early. oh ya. the most miraculous thing, was dat, i saw garrick at the busstop when we going lesson dat time, den didnt see him get on any bus before us.. den when we all reach lesson he alr there =.= .. pro lah. cab lah. power.

haiz. cabbed to service with eugene.. too bad hanwee dey all left 1st.. otherwise can all split cost.. just 2 ppl alr each 6.30... den he no small change so he owes me 1.30.. den nw.. haiyo. i was like.. had 2 dollars left, so put it in the offering. the whole day i've been living on blessings.. the teping, de arcade games.. haiyo. went and tried hard, after standard.. den.. walao. die lar. i tot i could maybe last 1/4 of the time through.. i gues when dey write hard, dey really literally mean its Hard =.= ...leg pain until hell like dat after it. hahaha.. thx, alvina, thx wendy, thx vivian :)

so i survived the day! on 6.30 cab fare.. hahaha. oh ya. in the morning, i wasted 3.50. on the mac latte... wanted to try lah. never try b4. walao. it sucked like shit, man. cant believe dey actually charge ppl 3.50 for something like dat. ITS SO CHEAPSKATE LAR! coffee shop kopi 1 dollar, tastes 5 times better. its like.. shit lar.. ... no, my hse the 3 in 1 coffee the best. free, and taste wonderful.
haiyo.
i hate macs.
=.=
... arh. shit lah.
forgot something.. and dat something, was so impt....really cant believe dat i forgot it..
feel like stabbing myself.
haiz..
im so sorry...
arhhh.. need brain transplant.. my memory is like hell.. things dat happened 5 mins ago i cant even remember sometimes.. haiz... ARRRRRHHH!!!!!!!
...
yeah.
cant use excuses.
im in the wrong.
all i can do is apologize..
haiz..
sorry... again and again.. =.=

im.
im sorry valerie..
yeah.
i wasnt a good friend, youre right..
and i know the odds of you reading this is really slim, but i'll post it anyway.
im sorry dat i forgot to take your bag. im sorry dat yesterday i go and call dat bodoh gay..

i just. i dont know lah..
i mean.
i treasure you as a friend .. and..
it.. well..
you dont have to forgive me .
just.. know im sorry..
im in the wrong..
and.. i apologize..
dat if i did things dat hurt you, if i said things dat hurt you..
if i was stupid and took you forgranted or anything.
you mean alot to me..
i guess i did take you forgranted.
im sorry..

haha
actually today im v. happy too.
going to post all the good things nw X]

MY TEACHER SAID I HAVE POTENTIAL!!!!!!!!1
haha!
drum cher.
when i asked him why?
he just said
"no why
just cld tell"
hahaha!!
i feel so proud of myself :P
hehe
den he said must practise hard
haha..

oso, i got to eat curry puff today!
and i got to eat spagetti!!!!
and i didnt get laughed at because i like to put mayo on my spagetti..
most ppl see den say eiyur. so er xin..
nice lah!
haha
another thing dat was good today,

got to talk to him for 20 mins :)
though its nt long, its not short either... so i thank god for dat

haha.. oso.. hmn.. what else ar.. oh ya! our teachers like siao.
the POA cher the mouth like hinge got problem. cannot stop laughing when step into his class .. he reminds me of a sesame street character lar! lol.. our form cher is abit siao siao de... our ENGLISH TEACHER IS DAMN FUNNY!!!! she is like... a big big bimbo. and.. eiyo. at least she can teach. the maths is no hope le. naggy until make me doze off. eiyur. geog oso make me doze off. haiyo. haiyo haiyo. now i have to like.. sleep b4 11 so i dont fall asleep in every lesson.. otherwise i really will start zzzing le.. haiz. every 5 seconds my head drop. some more i was sitting up, straight leh. den my head like konk konk konk.. siao. walao!!!!

hahahaha! OUR LIT CHER IS SO GAYYYY!!!!!!!!
its so gay!! eiyur...
1st time i see him is like
i was telling my fren :EIYUR! HE LIKE SO GAYYYYYYY.....
the name like hell like dat... bajarwer or something. some indian bodoh, wit an american accent. stupid. walao! eiyur... oh ya, my english cher oso got accent. siao lar. haiz. so gayyy... im scared of him lar.. but hes damn funny. because he like dont care. hahaha... diao.
k k lazy blog le
wan go make more coffee!
hahaha
k k
bb

wahlao
me just reached home! :)
spent like.. 15 hours outside lar.
left house at 6.30.. reach back at 21.30...
so tired lar.
have to lag around a heavy , fat, sch bag everywhere.
got lost, kena scolded by chinese cher.
walao.
been eating alot, lately. tired, so eat to stay awake lor.
my mind totally blank in e maths.
sian lah!
i didnt expect myself to sleep, i didnt intend to sleep. i just click off, den for 35 mins, my sprit like not there like dat.
den go english, my sprit come back.
hahahaha
really leh!
i dont remember anything dat happened..
its like a big blank
=.=
eiyur...
haiz..
k lar
sad
den after sch, we sian sian till later got z2h.. so.. yeah. im gonna have to learn to be a loner man.. so much stress doing things like dat.
haiz.
oh well.
time to.
wake up.
if i tot sec 2 was hard, nw is like... totally No freedom.
extra lessons till sian lar.
walao.
i need my time...
haiz..
come home,
1st thing sleep
dont have time even for homework
dont have time to do things i want to do.
haiz.
im drinking coffee now...
haizz
k i'll stop complaining..

i feel so .. burdened...
its 5.32, i seem to be waking up at this time lately..
haiz.
its nt bad lar,
gives me time to wake up, take my time getting ready for sch.
bathe and everything.
but at the same time,
haiz....

i feel so weary.
1st day already the timetable like dat.
had to stay back in sch till 4.10.
i dont think i can cope with it.
whats worse, if i have to take art, i will DIE.
but i want to take art, because i actually Like art.
haiz.
everything else i dont so much like.
arh.
who cares.
i feel so sad.
.....
miss those long phone calls....
yeah.
i suppose..
no time for dat le...
oh well.
at least theres still saturday and sunday..
at least these 2 weeks theres no sch.
i cant stop feeling like this.
i dont know what it is, and i dont know why.
i felt so hyper yest morning, den at the end of the day i was so pissed off.
haiz.
today will be worse. i cant even go home till 9.
after school, have z2h lesson.
so will have to chiong homework during dat 1, 2 hour interval.
well, dat is if sch ends at 4.10 again.
i dont care le.

yesterday i slept at 9 /10
im still tired.
woke up at 4.
went back to zzz till now.
haiz.
i feel so burdened.
need a place to release all this stress.
its only the 2nd day back.
haiz..
i need somewhere to release stress.....
cannot take this any longer......
its killing me....
haiya.
whats worse every period is 35 mins now.
and,
since its homeroom system,
we have to go to the teacher's classroom. and walk walk all around the sch, and get lost. thats not the main problem. thing is, by the time we get there, and get ready, 5 mins is wasted. by the time greeting and everything, 10 mins is wasted. that only leaves 25 mins for lesson, and 25 mins is like nothing. might as well not have lesson. haiz. so sucky. yeah. oso, recess is only 35 mins. slow eaters dam jialat. its like so short lah! who can finish! haiz... does the new damn principal know the meaning of time constraint? does she actually USE HER BRAIN when she plans out the timetable? when she makes these 35 periods mins rules?
just because dey were used in other schs dosent mean dey should be used here.
its not like other schs, its not the cher come to class leh, hello.
its we go there leh.
and isnt it better to ahve like.. say.. 50 staff walking around a sch in a day, rather den 1000+ students flooding the staircases, and getting lost??!! O.O" HELLO!??
if its just sec 3 like dat i can understand, because differrent classes, different timetables.
but,
hello.
sec2, sec1, how abt dem. walk walk for what?!?!? O.O"
if it was opposite, it saves time lar. what will be doing during dat time? choing homework? talk? fiddle? relax for AWHILE during this stoopid busy schedule?
haiz.

sorry lar.
im complaining alot.
bu xi guan having no time for myself.
haiz.
so sucky.
ok. time to go bathe.
i cant remember what i was supposed to say here. so i will stop.
im just so damn pissed off at something, and for some reason, i dont know what that something is.
ARGHHH!??!?!?!?!?!?!
STRESSSSSSSSSSSS
PRESSUREEEEEE
YA LI!!!!!!!
CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!!!!!!!11
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

hahas
now i have nothing to do.
too lazy to do my homework
too lazy to care X]
...
anyway, reading this book, by sue augustine, when your past is hurting your present..getting beyong the fears that hold you back.

TO LET GO IS TO FEAR LESS AND TO LOVE MORE....



nw im at the chapter, letting go..
anyway, yeah. it makes sense, right?
its so hard to let go of past hurts, past regrets, because
*im quoting*
-our memory keeps bringing it back to our mind
-we are conditioned to believe its just not dat easy
-letting go seems too simple an answer
-we feel we'll be losing control...

why cant we just trust God with our pasts, and let go of every hurt? .. haiz. let go of all the remorse.. all the regrets.. haiz..
k
*im quoting*
1. let go of past regrest.
2. let go of should have, could have, and if only.
3. let go of putting my life on hold
4. let go of yearning for the good old days.
5. let go of believing its your lot in life to sufer
6. let go of the addiction to drama in your life
7. let go of unpredictive thoughts.
8. let go of unrealistic expectations.

John 16:33
in this godless world, you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world.
God will not leave your or forsake you. he promised you his presence, he promises to equip you with what you need to face every ordeal.

9. let go of setting impossible standards for yourself.
10. let go of feeling responsibble for others' reactions
11. let go of pessimistic associations.
12. let go of wondering what other ppl think of you.
13. let go of trying to change other ppl.
14. LET GO OF BITTERNESS
job 5:2
to worry yourself to death with resentment would be a foolish, senseless thing to do.
*this affects me alot.*
the bitter truth about bitterness is that if you insist on holding a grudge, soon it will hold you.
many ppl hold on to old hurts and never get over them. rather then relinquishing their pain through forgiveness, they mentally review the cause of the pain over and over. bitterness, when internalized, opens the door to all sorts of unhealthy feelings and emotions, including resentment, animosity, antagonism, and even hatred. some women clam up, while others blow up! eventually, when those feelings are harbored long enough, they explode and lead to plotting revenge.
biterness always hurts you more than the person its aimed at. usually, the offender forgets the wrongdoing, and goes on with life, while you continue to seethe in your anguish, keeping the past alive.

THE BEST WAY TO LET GO!!!
When we want to let go of a situation, no matter what it is, we must be able to "bless" it. When you bless something, you sanction it, giving it your approval and endorsement, freeing it to go forward with your cooperation and support. As one writer said, "bless a thing and it will bless you. Curse a thing and it will curse you. If you bless a situation, it has no power to hurt you" So,"let us throw off everything that hinders.. and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us"(hebrews 12:1) And let us discover true freedom through forgiveness.

LETTING GO
to let go dosent mean to stop caring;
it means i cant do it for some1 else;
to let go is not to cut myself off;
its the realization that i dont control another;
to let go is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
to let go is not to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands
to let go is not to try to change or blame another;
i can only change myself.
to let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
to let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
to let go is not to be protective,
it is to permit another to face reality.
to let go is not to deny
but to accept
to let go is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings
and correct them.
to let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone,
but to try to become
what i dream i can be
to letgo i snot to regret the past but to grow
and live for the future
to let go is to fear less and love more

author unknown

TO LET GO IS TO FEAR LESS AND LOVE MORE

wah
sch..so tiring.
i keep embarassing myself today
cant get it into my head dat im actually sec 3..
feel so..
yeah..
i guess the reason i didnt do well in sec 1 and 2 was beacuse i was dwelling on the past.
i kept having dat mentality, dat if only i could redo the past, none of this would have happened.
well.
seems like the more i think about redoing the past, the more messed up my present.
and nw.. cant dwell in it anymore..
haiz.
headache lar.
drinking coffee nw..
its so hectic.
35 mins recess! HOW TO EAT FINISH!
no wonder sec 3 and 4s are so skinny
ppl who eat slow jialat lor.
haiz
nw,
every period is 35 mins...
haiz....
by the time we settle down in the classroom, 10 mins is wasted.
like, hello?!?!
DOES THE PRINCIPAL UNDERSTAND DAT HOMEROOM SYSTEMS ARE FREAKIN STUPID!??!??!? O.O

new day
new class
new faces...
im gonna really have to forgive and forget and leave the past in the past...
haiz..

hope by God's grace, i can..
its such a big wound.
oh well.

time to change.
if i dont, will they?
obviously,
no.

things can only get worse.
and.. yet.. im still so unsure.

being wit him has been .. amazing..
its like...
i can be myself, without worrying what ppl think of me.. i can scream, shout, cry?
everything.
but at the same time,
i keep having doubts...
in my heart?
and.. the jealousy is still there...
it dosent leave..
haiz.
whatever it is,
hope its resolved quickly.
God oh God... i need you here with me...
your rod and your staff protect me..
under your wing, i am perfectly safe...

k..
i have to leave nw..
running late.
-.-
haiz..
I CANT WAIT TO SEE MY CLASSMATES!