no matter what i do,
things wont change for the better.. not yet, not now..
and..
well.. what am i doing?
i try to take control of my life, but i cant, can i... i cant seem to be able to... and.. i want his prescence to come and fill me again, but why issit i cant, and...
im just not me anymore..
since sch reopened, ive been saying vulgarities like nobody's buisness.. i've been backstabbing, sure those ppl deserved it, ive been gossipping, ive been cursing.. i've been poning...
im not worth any1's trouble...
nor am i worth any1's time..
nor effort, nor company?

yeah.. am i really dat emotional? and yet, who can i count on.. i CANNOT be myself, because im not secure in dat position! and if im not, how can i just relax and take things slow? im not exactly a emotionally strong person.. im not secure, in dat sense..

.. yeah. i cant keep on depending on others, rite.. dey are bound to let me down.. i mean.. i expect this... and when they dont.. i feel so.. well. i feel miserable.. and yet.. i see others doing things for others.. but no1 for .. haiz. why is the cg just so complicated.. ppl would tell me its complicated if you want it to be, but somehow i dont find it simple. somehow.. i just.. idk.. im just not up for the challenge, i guess.. its one challenge i have to turn down...why? because if i dont mean anything to dat some1.. i dont belong.. i dont.... ...

i want some1 to pour out my feelings to, and yet.. i cant trust any1 enough to do just that. how many times have i trusted some1, and that they let me down... countless.. i told them my expectations, and it was really simple. like being on time for once, or not spreading secrets. how hard is that. and yet.. no.. no1 would care.. and.. haiz.. i feel so .. dead... i dont wanna cry to some asshole who will tell me its ok, because den i'd feel bound to dat person in a certain way.. ger or guy... i'd just feel dat we are close, and i can feel dat when you are hurting, and you can feel when i am.. and yeah, i do have friends like that.. but no1.. no1 knows how much hurt is going through my mind right now.. no 1 knows what is going on in my heart right now.. its like a dagger stabbing and stabbing, and the more days go by, the harder it pokes into the flesh. and the more the blood flows.. and the more the bruises appear, the more misery it causes. what can i do?

i can blame everything on every1 else, but in the end, isnt it my fault? im not impt to ppl. i know dat... haiya.
what can i say..

whatever i say.. ppl will disagree.. ppl will say its not true.
maybe its not.
maybe its just nonsense.
who knows, who cares....