hey hey hey hey hey hey hey
X]
hahahaha
im in a UBER GOOD MOOD!
hahaha.. just came home, ma bought me a 250 ml of riesling wine! :D
sad, only 12% alchohol...
gonna save half of the bottle for tomorrow!
:P
HAHAHAHAHA
i feel so high..
lalala

today was a pretty good day, despite some things that happened to dampen my mood :)
i wanna go high everyday, like today!
haha
yeah.. i really felt the love of my cg today :)
idk why lah
but
still confused...

hahas
thank God..
dat im not in a bad mood anymore! :P hhahahaahahaha
thank God, for ... haha. yeah, you know :)

i mean.. wow.. he came all the way from marina, wit dey all, despite it being troublesome and all, just to see whether i was okay... i feel so touched by dat.. dat sacrifice..

anyway, he really cheered me up, alot :P
den.. haha.. i think we both were hyper for awhile.. started doing stupid things.. scream lah.. run in circles.. play wit plantS?!?! kachaio ppl... hhahaha !! play pepsi cola.. diao lah.. started impersonating ppl... ah gong lah, amah, ah pa.. ah ma.. diao!!! its the 1st time i ever had so much fun when only 1 other person was there... can go high la!!! :) best man.. haha.. den later went coffee shop.. some uncle like bu shuang lah. scold us cb la, ka ni na. kanasai.. dono what else.. i was thinking walao lah! like he own the damn coffee shop like dat.. some more was shouting at us lah! like we deaf or what.. eiyur..... haiz. what to do. dumbass. eiyur.. too bad have to respect your elders, and love your enemies... was saying, yeah. i show my love for my enemies as giving dem black eye instead of hugs. .... walao. irritating. anyway, just reached home, more cheerful den ever,!!!! haha.
thanks, robin..

made my day:)
i hate being low lah walao....
haiz..
whats gonna happen tomorrow?...
pray things go smoothly..
i dont think i can take any more problems..
i feel really frustrated by the whole thing.
dammit man..

God oh God..
i cant wait to see you tomorrow!
hha...
k nt see.
feel?

cant take it anymore..
whatever IT is,
it'll just be the end of me, and i can just sit here myself and stare into space?
i feel so useless.
small thing cannot do,
big thing cannot do,

yea, there are scars on top of the scars.
should i add more?
its right in front of me..
so tempted.
maybe im Not growing.
what does it matter..
hw am i gonna face ppl nw..
did i make a mistake?
? O.O"
yeah..

will dey judge me based on that?!?
yeah?
no?
dont know.
dosent matter.
im in the wrong.
but idk whether i can take the punishment lying in store for me.
just run away?
isnt that cowardice?
or shouldnt i just start blaming myself again.
my blade is my friend.
the scabbard is my enemy
the scars are proof im nt afraid of bloodshed?
what is it.
a game?

i feel so pissed. maybe i cant compare to them, deir so perfect..
me arh..
wan fail oso cant fail properly
wan do well?

takes miracles
...
oh man.. why wont sch just hurry up and START! ....
i miss my uniform..
i miss my badge..
i miss that feeling of pride, when a cher says your name, said you scored the highest.. and ppl look up to you, wishing dey put in more effort...

then again, when has a cher ever said my name.
haiz... only know how to scold scold scold...
"elizabeth! dont sleep
elizabeth! dont draw
elizabeth! wheres your homework
elizabeth! pay attention
elizabeth! WAKE UP
elizabeth! dont eat in class
elizabeth! dont use your phone!
elizabeth!!!
GO STAND OUTSIDE THE CLASS NOW, AND DONT COME BACK TILL YOURE FINISHED.

walao.
felt so ashamed.
...
felt so put down.
yeah, i know dey told me im nt stupid, just lazy, but..
still..
haiz..........

feel so fucked up.
ok i dont.
haha
ok i do.
haiz..

went out wit nila and leah.
walao
dey are short lah can..
i got a shock
i was like
wah
giant
compared to dem
at least
7 cm taller
=.=
haiyoh.
so jialat.
haiz..
i dont wanna be too tall oso...
eiyur...

anyway, dey went to an antique shop, and it was stone boring. i wanna stone dere oso canot. because of some misunderstanding, leah didnt talk to me for 2 years. and she was angry at me for something i did NOT do. and the thing now is, nila expects me to engage in conversation with her. nila said dat leah wants to talk to me again. wow. im supposed to do dat just because im older? what if i dont want to? yes, so its immature, so its whatever, but hey, SHES IN THE WRONG. i didnt do anything wrong dat time, she deceided to believe whatever she wants to.. haiz. i cant be myself in front of dem. stupid idiots. haiz... so irritating lah. yes, i appreciate the fact dat nila wants us to be closer together, but what if i like the distance im keeping now? ... so im childish. i dont care le. its so irritating. seems like everything i do there is wrong. what do they think my intentions are? why should i be the 1 to engage in the conversation when she is the 1 who destroyed the relationship we had in the 1st place.... why should i be in the wrong, why should i be ignored, by both of them. stupid.

i cannot take it! so hypocritical. so chim, so complicated. why cant it just be a simple family, with simple LOVE for the sake of LOVE, and not LOVE because deres a bargain. well.. haiz.. some ppl.. i just cant stand.. in this case, its my own family.. how the hell am i related to them, i dont konw..

ok lah. i'll stop complaining. maybe in some ways, shes a blessing in disguise.

k... i'll stop posting abt the bad thing.
nw the good thing!

z2h CHRISTMAS PARTYYYY FREE PIZZAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
haha
the whole band was there.
its the 1st time every1 met together
thank God, dey got along pretty well.
despite dey making fun of some things lah.
dat were sorry, but UNTRUE!
was fun, overall.
dey were making fun of the fact dat i was so quiet on the 1st time and so noisy now.. haha
takes time to get used to the situation..
dont tell me the 1st time you step into your new class, you start mixing with a clique?
you dont know anybody there!
yeah.

k lah
i dont know what to post.
writing my feelings out, actually is helping me solve some of my problems.. dont know why lah.
its funny. because i hate writing out what i feel, in fear of some1 coming and reading it.
alwiz happens,
guess if i cant trust any1 to help me, i'll have to help myself.
haiz
zzz
i feel like eating more pizza...
zzz

haha..
i spent.. about 1 hour just doodling...
=.=
was actually in a bad mood.. den.. played linkin park.. den wanted to learn the song, so went and found guitar chords for it.. so.. wrote down the guitar chords on a book, den while the mp3 was playing in background the song, i just.. thought of.. a serpent.. dont know why.. so i drew out the serpent.. den i was thinking, wah. so satanic leh.. serpent.. so i drew a cross.. den i drew a human in between.. and all around are bible verses.. =.= ...

so wu liao lah. nothing to do go draw ... diao...
it looks like 30 mins effort... took so long lah!!! it dont look nice!!! nxt time got time to upload.. took photo cuz scanner either spoil or idk hw to use...

was reading ppl blog.. den realise.. wah.. deir life is so sweet lah!
hahaha
or issit just make it sound like dat? O.O"
idk
when i blog its like
wah...
sound so emo lah.
haiz...

how should i type...
hmmmmn.......


eiyo..
cannot cannot
i'll stick to
normal :)
...

TODAY IS 28! ALWIN'S BDAE!

eh
ya hor, its alwin's bdae..hmmmmn....

haha
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

today is oso, z2h party! :P :P :P
cannot wait lar
idk what it will be like
but
can go and gu yi
laugh at dumb things
i happy le :)

sorry arh,
i happy and sad
very fast de
X]

haha...
the drum cher last week laugh at me, say dat,
you 1st lesson quiet until what now you siao arh?! use drumstick as antenna?!?!?! O.O"

blea!
....
nevermind, i can laugh at eugene :) he no idea hw to play guitar de.. den som more go learn guitar.. den .. wah lao!!! play for awhile, the cab ride back, complain, PAIN PAIN PAIN!!!! ... EIYOOO ...... haha
i tot guys
were
guys
nt scared
pain de -.-
eiyo
eugene ar,
jiayou...

hahahhaha!!!!
srry, don mean to black mail you by saying so much :P heh heh heh
...
anyway,
must jiayou your guitar... i oso gotta jiayou my drum.. but you like 1 mth never come for lesson lah.. nid work harder den me, abuden.. =.=
...

nid go find leah and nila... toopid cousin and auntie.. leah lah! donno why angry at me.. walao.. i didnt do anything wrg lah! den don tok to me for what, 2 , 3 years?! ... eiyo.
i dont care liao lah.
tomorrow have to see her ugly face
wanna tu xue oso canot....
i oso donno why she angry at me lah...
walao..
feel so walaoooo...
haiz.


i cannot blog like dis.. walao..
ive been typing abt inward things.. almost all the time le.. nw, dat im typing abt external things.. its..so awkward....
haiz.
k la.
well, inward things are for diaries.
or notebooks
or ears.
or whatever.
tape recorder
cassette tape
dvd
vcd
cd
dono wat other d
=.=
diao..
nt gona blog le
nitez :)
sayonara

i still feel confused

jiuming..
i cant hide anymore..
what more do i have to hide anymore...
i know i have many past hurts, i cant run away from that.. but i dont want to .. haiz..

i dont want to be alone, and cry all myself again... and yet,
who can i depend on to comfort me?

i dont know what is going on..

i cant even remember why i became like this.
i cant even remember where it all started..
its like layers and layers of covering up,
covered everything up so good, that i forgot what i was hiding in the 1st place.

that time, the 1st cg chalet i ever was at, wow.. it was so .. well.. i felt really good... when siewpeng was there for me.. i was hiding in tt corner, crying like theres no tomorrow.. and no idea why.. wassit ppl lying to me..?

arh.
who cares.
shit, im tearing again.


im so weak, dammit..
cant even do this.
sch is starting.. i cant be like this again...

they can only advise me.. what i want is some1 to tell me what to do, and make it so tat i agree.. but still, i cant keep following ppl all my life?! ...

who am i......
some idiot..
who cant keep her emotions under control...
tears flowing.
shit man.
i dont know what to do anymore..

i dont damn know how to put a password..
guess the best i can do is just try to encrypt within encryption everything i want to say..
dats like..
biggleman's case in ehh.. what was it.. some book lah.
the guy locked up the blueprints for the case within the case.
=.=

haiz
i feel like dying..
things have become so much more complicated den i expected dem to be.. i cant keep up with whatever is going on.. i dont know who i should listen to.. my conscience is saying who ,but at the same time, my head says NO. what has tt person ever done for me. dey care for me? dont lie..everytime i think dat even, seems like everything comes and pushes me down.. and makes me doubt whatever belief i had previously. i feel so sucky.

come to think of it,
if blogging makes things worse den they already are,
and since..
nevermind.
might as well die

this damn blog needs a password lah.
=.=
eiyo...

......
i feel so burdened again..
ive been reaching so long, dat nw that ive finally reached something, idk whether was it the thing i had wanted in the 1st place.
i feel like an idiot lah! talking like dis.
but hw can i go straight to te point
...

and again, wit them, dey dont give a shit, dey dont care..
and yet..
without them, i am nothing.
stupid.
stupid stupid stupid...

why the fuck am i posting this..
no1 i want to read this actually will..
i feel so left out all over again. just when i tot things wld get better, dey become worse.
oh well.
life is harsh.
fuck this man.
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
i feel like hurting some bitch...
zzzzzzzzz

...anger management..
arh.
heck
should i just take it out on myself again, like last time..?
-___-''
how do i put a password for dis arh..."???????

shouldnt have taken things forgranted...
shit man.
things have gotten so complicated, again..

in times of trouble, in times of need.. i know who i can count on. i know who will be there for me..

i know who i can trust.. and.. ..*do i dare to say.. this... ... *
i know who i can love.

ive never felt this way.. im.. haiz..

my heart is literally aching.
*sorry,
this is a blog.
i rant abt my feelings .
because theres no where else i can rant to.*
and..
yes.
it hasnt hurt this bad, since .. since Then.
which was about 8 mths ago..
and..

well. .. i dont understand what is going on, but..
who knows.. maybe its good, maybe its bad.
i dont know.
i dont feel that i have a right to say what my opnion is.. yes, im 14.. and, i still dont know this, dont know that.. i cant do anything much now..

but.. haiz..
i dont know how things will turn out.. i dont know what i should do..
i just..
haiz..

anata o ai shite imasu.

i feel like a part of me has been destroyed.. nevermind. i dont want to blog abt this.

its complicated enough as it is


im sorry.

dont know what the .... is going on

....
at ah gong house now...
sian.

AI PING AND GERALD ARE BEHAVING LIKE SHIT!!!!!!!!!
....
i see dem, really angry until she bu de liao...
act until cannot more act. so pissed lah! den somemore have to give dem present to make dem happy and create peace. eiyoh. imagine, AI PING, means love peace. she loves ANYTHING but peace man. i can spend 3 hours complaining about her and not be done.

.......
im so pissed off.......
thank GoD that ma has a lap top.
without this, i will be bored like shit.
i dont care what dey think of me using a laptop, because dey probably will say dat its NOT GOOD FOR CHILDREN TO USE COMPUTER! STUDY STUDY STUDY...
eiyo
.....
dat time during the wedding dinner, dey gave me hell lah.
gu yi suan my ma,
say
"wah. you let her drink wine?!"

i was thinking... whats wrong with it. if you dont like it, talk to me directly. dont attempt to make yourselves sound higher than her. because youre not.

but again, i cant say anything. cannot disrupt the peace. cannot do anything.
and now,
i gotta go oso..eiyo
blog later.

ROBIN!

i felt so safe when i read your post..
i felt so assured
i felt so at peace..

thanks!

yea, for me too,
every moment spent wit you
was great
it just
yea,
like you said
took all my worries away


i really cherish those times spent with you :)

robin robin.. i dont know what to say
...
i feel
so
happy! @>

theres nth more i can do, is there
...
no matter what,
i always feel
that im nt wanted.
and besides
i cant expect too much
dont know why i do lah
but i do
and i Cant
...
and..
haiz..
whats done is done

i DID NOT go for service.
met sandy
at the mrt
okay?

...
what more can i say
xiang wai jiu xiang wai loh
what can i do
?
haiz.

im 14.

the hell man.
im getting chao confused
why
...
shit lah
...

maybe my blog needs a password..
hmmmmn....
eiyoh..

am i doing the right thing?

summarizing everything up.

seemingly, no1 notes ppl's good points, they take it as that was expected. they dont note that who did this and who did this, they only realise the bad points. why?

honestly, i dont care anymore. ok ... i was lying.. hahaaha. i will try not to care.

i mean, come on ..what the fuck does it matter, what others think of you.
i mean, true. its God whom you are trying to please, not man.
at the same time, in order to please God, we have to love him, and LOVE PEOPLE.

that means, loving the ppl who hurt you..
walao.
I HAVE FALLEN, because it pushed me down, and now i have to get back up and Love it.

how hard is that.
im not shining for God at all, man.
hate this rebellious feeling.

yuck... i feel so emptyy....
yux yux yux yux...

haiz. its not like i dont want to be there, but.. haiz.. i feel that barrier is getting stronger and stronger... half the time now, i dont know whether im just talking nonsense, or does this all make sense? .... does it make sense? does any1 bother listening to this act emo ger's ramblings? ....

who am i.
just another stitch in the tapestry.
a thorn in their side.
a pain in the ass?

who am i.
a child of God?
dosent feel like it.
i feel so away from God.
partially because im always ignored. partially because.. i dont know why

am i seeking attention?
is this what ppl do to seek attention?
haiz.
is doing this to who's benefit, actually.
im not winning.
no1 is winning.
im making myself more miserable.
just HOW is this benefitting any1.
aiyoh.

but at the same time, i cannot, well, at least at this moment, i cannot stop this feeling of low self worth, and low self esteem.
maybe no1 is judging me but myself.
i dont know
am i really fragile?
dont know.

everything everything dont know
i never have an answer.
why?



to everything!
existence, purpose, meaning,
why!
love?
why love?

God is Love, isnt he?

its because of God's love that ppl get touched and keep coming back to church.
everybody is always talking about God's Love.

i dont want to be away from God any longer...
but how do i stop straying?
oh shepherd. come and find me? im a lost cause, a mere shadow of what i was.. but oh God.. i need you? if no1 else, you..

if im not wanted there, what more can i do? there is no where i can run, no refuge i can seek but you. only you, Father. God, you above all, you see my misery, you see what im facing, you see my feelings, you konw me better than i know myself.

you know how i feel, i dont have to blog it out.
yes.
know what?
i talk to God better when im blogging it out.
dont know why.
haiz

is this being attention seeking too?
oh Lord.
gimme an answer..
how can i trust...
one day, obviously i want to.
but..
its so hard...
oh Lord...
help me trust...
help me trust him
help me trust her..

i dont know who to listen to...
both sides of the story..
im listening to my own heart now,
but how much can that tell me?
its one sided, my heart, and it will not listen to reason...
but i want to listen to reason
im afraid of getting hurt again..
i dont know
do i love?
do i dare to love... ?
do i dare to say i love you?

just what is going on?
i dont know anymore...

i feel so safe,
so assured,
so relaxed,
so loved,
when im wit him.

its a nice feeling.
at the same time
so many factors..
feelings, age, appearance, emotions, lifestyle...
how many more..
its seemingly impossible

...
i asked you, God, for that setting.
if that setting, if this is how this setting was supposed to be, let the stars come out.. father.. and the clouds parted.. father, 5 stars were visible.. it was a cloudy night.. oh father, at the end, 13 stars came.. father..

how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how
im so lost.
follow their expectations?
follow my heart?
follow your will?
what is your will??


i dont know half the time, what am i posting.
im just blogging out what i feel like typing.
finger itchy.
what to do?
aiyoh.

yea
the better thing,
make it, this post, as long as possible
that way,
no1 will bother to read
once they see the length.
should i make this post the longest i ever posted?

i think the longest is 1720 words.
im only at 795 words now .

can you believe that?



alright.
i'll exceed 1720 words tonight.


dont know who will bother reading this, seriously..
i mean, its freaking long...
and im repeating myself..
aiyoh..
haiz..

haiz haiz haiz.. zzz

how am i gonna write a thousand more words?

alright.
recalling from the beginning..
that phone call?
then what
smsing?
dont know..
oh ya
hahas
the tcc
....
cant remember whether that was before or after angeline and angela's bdae...
hmmmmn
anyway,
it was one of the best days of my life.
thanks.

ahhahas..
after that?
things are a blur
wassit the teping!??!?!
i only remember being really sleepy, and not being able to recall anything
aiyoh.
what after that?
canot remember...
lecture
kana dono how many times
aiyoh
i cant even recall
what happened
its different from last time
aiyoh.

issit natural?
issit forced?
i feel so dumb man...

haiz..
last time....
aiyoh.
heart pain until she bu de liao.
can die lah
wonder how i tahaned it.
haiyoh.
anyway.
this time..

aiyoh..
what to do what to do..
OH SHIT
WHY AM I POSTING THIS!
EHHHHH

change topic change topic
change topic..
walao!!
my hand itchy until write this
...
*shit*
eiiyohhhh
eiyoh
eioyh
eioyh
eiyoh

hhh
hh
zzzz
AHHHHHHHHHHHH

okay
different topic.



aiyoh..
lazy post.
things have gone so far, that i dont remember what happened.
hahaha

wassit natural?
wassit forced?
dont konw
still.
aiyoh
i passed 1000 words liao
haiz
dont feel like going on.
i'll stop here.
sayonara.

i feel so..
i dont know
no words can describe
empty?
idk..
hope i wasnt being too emo today.

haiz..
feelings of rejection, unwantedness.. haiz..
i need them there, i know that much, but..
haiz..
guess no choice, just have to try to forget that they ever existed..


i always feel compared..
i always feel judged..
why?


i dont know whether i can take this for much longer...
idk how long i can withstand the pressure that keeps on building up inside of me..
haha


i suppose that i just have to rely on my own strength, my own understanding.
i cant expect so much from them anymore...

yea,
i rather be alone, and live to my own expectations rather than
be with ppl and have their expectations to live up to and have them judging and condemming me all the time

everything i do is wrg like that.
shit lah
waliao

dont feel like blogging anymore
nt many ppl actually listen anyway.

wah..
thanks, VIVIAN, ALWIN, XIN YI!!!!!
thx for the dinner..
wah
it.. ROX!!!!!!!
so nice lah!!!
haha..
the bill oso very nice....
hahas
but..
Thanks !!!

Happy Birthday!
:P

..

hahas...
ok lah. nw time to blog.
eiyuh.. lately like dont feel like blogging like that.. zzz.

alvina is coming back on the 23rd! :)

hahas..

i dont want to live in secret anymore..don wanna do things in secret.. i mean, why do we have to? its not like its doing anything wrg, issit?
O.o"
im lost..
shit lah..
being blur has so many disadvantages...
dammit.
.....
guess i still cant let go of the past. shit lah. just when i think, YES! finally! no more thoughts of.. yea..... then it comes back. shit lah. but then.. haiz.. i dont know what to do..

looking back.. the 1st time went out wit... haha..
its so sweet lah..
read his bible..
i sigh ah
revalation of Li Zhilong Robin..
hahas..
genesis?
hahas.. funni lah!

:P

haha...
oh well. i dont know what to do nw.. i mean, im still unsure of.. eiyoh, why am i blogging this..

eiyoh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
change topic change topic
.....!!!!!!!!!
eh eh eh..
eheheehehehe......
donno what to type...
sayonara

i feel so useless...
cant do this,
cant do that
...
shit lah.
what am i supposed to do
i do something, kena lecture..
do something else?
...

im so confused..
feel like i cant count on anyone now.
apparently i cant.
im so tired of putting on that front.
like i said.
im repeating my words, man.
monotonous
im becoming boring.
what the fuck.


oh What The Fuckkk.....
i hate this lah
i feel so limited.
no1 sees anyway,
no1 will care anyway.
ive gone back to using vulgar words
other ppl move forward
i move backward.

i mean, come on. you know i dont wanna stay like this.. but you dont care, apparently. i feel like leaning on some1's shoulder, to cry on. yes, but who will offer up to me that shoulder, that listening ear. it will take forever, because, yes, i dont trust ppl easily. who am i. a speck of dust. apparently. who knows, who cares. when i see others, i can see a strong point in them that differentiates them from the rest. me lei? i just blend in. too ordinary, despite my blood. despite my race. which im not sure what issit either. too rojak liao. oh well. what the hell. X]

i want.. what do i want.. what i want no1 can give me. because no1 has given me. and im used to that. but at the same time.. it doesnt feel good.

things are starting to get too complicated for me to understand.
i hate this.
i hate being weak.
i hate this i hate this i hate this.
did you plan it all along?
i thought i could trust you.
wow.
i feel like a fool.
no, i am a fool
...
why do i bother man, why do i bother.
what am i doing here? getting ppl's attention?
oh yeah.
a failure attempt.
fuck lah.
after everything i get hell treatment.
oh yeah.
hallelyuah
praise be to God.
because im living a life others dream of
im living in a fairy tale fantasy dream land.
lalala
with all the butterfiles, and all the happy happy little animals flying here and smiling.
and in the midst of all the foolish happiness, in my fairytale fantasy dream land, im the frog stuck in the well, with no1 there to help me out. why?? no small little hapy happy animal or butterfly or what shit, no1 wants to get down and dirty, and help a dirty little frog out. dey just leave me here to die.

typical.
life is so wonderful.


i do a small thing
things worsen
i do a big thing
things worsen more.

maybe i should do the biggest, most impt thing of my life.
maybe i should take what isnt mine to start with
maybe i Should, after seeing all these circumstances,
really start thinking about it.
yes, there is a God.
yes, i believe in him.
but i dont know if he is for me
or against me
because i feel really against him.

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

i cant imagine what life will be like if i have to suffer another heartbreak..
haiz..
i feel so weary..
im leaning on God's and his' strength now..
without those two ppl,
i'll be a gone case le..
i feel really fucked up..


without GOD, without HIM,
i will really start crying, really start breaking down.
yes, emotionally, im really weak. i know that.
at any small thing, i can cry, i can worry ppl alot.
thing is,
when i cry,
the ppl i want to listen dont.
the ppl i dont want to listen dont.
what the fck lah.
don wan to blog liao.
can feel the tears welling up.
shit.

honestly, what does it matter.
ppl only will see the outside appearance,
only God sees the inner appearance.
i wanna cry oso cannot
i wan do this oso canot
because it will giv ppl a wrg impresion.
i cant be who i want to be because its different.
i cant be different, can i?

do i dare to?
im so sick conforming to a worldly image...
an image of just following tradition, following culture..
and yet if i dont follow i will be considered an outcast.
what is going on in my mind.
why do i feel this way
i feel so damn bu shuang wit them..
dey alwiz leave me out,
i ask what time dey meeting go my house for xmas party
oso dey don bother telling me
den when i reach home late? its my fault.
kao bei lah.
whatever i do cant compare right?
i want to love, and i want to feel loved, but..
i cant seem to do anything right.
i wana cry oso canot, i wanna scream oso cannot.
the only thing i can do is rant to this fucking blog and hope no1 sees
because im really in a damn bad mood now.
guess im just gonna have to put up a fake front
a smiling, happy
overjoyed
over excited
...
who will see what remorse, what regret im feeling in side anyway.
Huh?
..
who cares.
i feel like taking a dagger and stabbing their hearts, watch the blood slowly flow out from the wounds. so sadistic. i hate the fakeness of it all lah. that every1 is just being some1 their not to please every1 else. what the fuck man. be yourself, is that so hard... kao lah... why did they have to use my house..it put me in a fucking bad mood
if it were some1 elses, i wont care
i will divide and conquer
haha
yeah right
...
but
what the hell lah.
in the end,
i'll be left
doing everything alone
right?
yeah.
i cant feel alone anywhere
..
oh man...
jiu ming.....
i hate this feeling..

i dont feel like helping any1 do anything.
i just wanna sit somewhere and emo by myself
again.
siansiansian
feel so waliao kao bei.
fuck fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck lalala
lalalalalalala
lalalalallalalallalala
fuck this house hold
fuck this life
fusk this relationsthip
fuck everything.
i just hate things alwiz being like this.
why .
idk
i dont feel like ranting to ppl
i dont feel like seeing ppl
i see their face like bu shuang liek tat
i know
its my fault
im starting to not care anymore.
IM ALWAYS GETTING IGNORED!
WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WIT THAT!...
...
yeah
its my fault.
isnt alwiz my fault.

i suppose
that if no1 is gonna help me..
i gotta do it myself..
i mean, no1 owes me my life
...
gotta start working for it..
whatever goal i wanna achieve, short term and long term..
aiyoh..

thinking too much again
what does it matter, actually..


i am who i am..
but i can change..
im not fated to be a failure the rest of my life, right?
yeah..
in 2 weeks, im gonna have to work like siao, to prove everybody wrong..

why in 2 weeks? sch starts. hahaha.. ironic. diao... well, who cares. hahas. i have my own life to live. they have theirs. going to have to start studying.. i mean... its so hard lah. i cant believe im this lazy.. i mean, in the past, i put in 50% effort, i can get the same marks as some1 who put in 100% effort. i know that. but now, lately, im too lazy to put in 50% ... aiyoh.. im so lazy lazy lazy.. cannot!!!! ... grrh.. after slacking for abt 2 years?! going to have to put 150% effort... im really backward nw.. slow slow.. aiyoh.. shouldnt have slacked.. now gotta pay for it. shit lah. walao. sec 3.... haiz.. sec 4, stress.. sec 3.. still can lah.. aiyoh.. ok.

cant wait for school to start...
dont know how to study on my own..
when sch starts, just gotta pay attention.. just listen, don sleep, doodle, draw, rip, or do anything else tat causes chers to hate you..

haiz.. a new start, a new beginning...
i Have to prove them wrong.
im not stupid
i dont want them to look down on me le.
what happened in the past, leave it in the past.


too lazy to continue

come to think of it, i dont remember anything

its been so long since i posted something....
4 days
wow.
new record..
okay lah,
den this post will make up for those four days..
i hope :)

13-15 december,
~BREAKAWAY~~!!!!!!!!! youth camp!
hahas
it really brought me up to a higher spritual level...
w387, n402, and i think 2 other cell groups were in "Priest" house
haha.. my original reaction was.. okay, whats with the name.. hhaha.. adrian was saying, we should be called chapel, because the priest's house is a chapel.. haha! diao lah! anyway, the end result was we lost by 5 POINTS to ninja house... haiz. lost a 200 dollar ben and jerry voucher.. eiyoh.. bleahh....sad sad.. anyway, the camp was really Good... although the water was freakin cold, and we stayed up late in the night.. things were really very good.. when i went with samuel and jac to service on sat, wow... i never praised God like that before.. i cried at the 3rd praise song... which was weird lah, because the only time i cry when hearing praise songs is usually the 1st, but that was when i was at the lowest point of my life.. i think ppl think i siao lah, praise God until like that... bleahh... haha, anyway, whatever :) dosent bother me anymore.. im seeking God's attention, not man's... anyway, aiyoh.. i feel abit away from God lately... donno why.. hate this feeling lah ....haiz.. oh well..

cant wait for the next camp! hahas.. its really v. good.. aiyoh, i hope the day comes when i can go up the stage, and share a testimony, and.. i hope ppl that hear it will really feel impacted.. God did so much for me... oh God.. i dont ever want to be away from you! save me from my own destruction.. oh Lord...

haiyoz...
anyway, on sunday, i was really happy, because the drums lesson, they said i caught up really fast! i mean, i didnt come for 1 or 2 lessons, and i was on par with every1 else.. not left behind or anything.. haha... the drum roll was hard though .. its like... 1, 2, 3, 4, 1, 2, 3 and a half, start, end at the next count 1, its like, LR SNARE, L SNARE, R SNARE, CYMBAL/BASS, den start the B/High hat/Snare rhythm..

took me really long to get the rhythm, because the Bass was off beat.. its like..aiyoh, how to say.. anyway, it was on beat with the snare, so what was really dumb, is that i played high hat with bass, cannot. i play high hat with bass with snare? can.. haha! but my high hat abit messsed up, and too many bass notes still.. haha.. but still, PTL that i learned fast :)

really felt the love of my fellow eh.. ok, the ppl learning drums with me.. dey arent in my band lah, but.. still.. wah, dey encouraged me alot! hahas.. thanks alot to, eh.. idk your name.. haha..you said "wah, you really learn v. fast" i felt really encouraged by that.. thanks! hahas
...

anyway, i was more myself in this lesson than the previous 1, which i was damn quiet.. i hate quiet!!! eiyoh!... haha.. but its still awkward being myself, without my friends there.. because i'll do really stupid things.. was playing with my drumstick make it like grasshopper antenna like tat.. den zhu zhu zhu...eiyoh, was playing everybody dance now on the drum!


EVERYBODY DANCE NOW
bass , snare, bass
2 TIMES
base base, snare, bass
3 TIMES!
base base, snare, bass bass, snare, bass bass, snare, bass
BREAK IT DOWN NOW!
haha.. idk how to play this, because when i wanted to, the bass pedal spoil :P .. the screw was loose when some1 was adjusting it just now.. seriously, some1 came and adjusted it ... idk what i did lah! suddenly i play, den the tong tong thing didnt come back down... stuck there... wah lao. gimme shock only! haha.. but its ok liao :) me and isma fixed it..

aiyoh
im scared of the drums now..
hahas
met Robin after lesson
hahas....
went eh.. where did we go.. hmmn.. i only remember went to suntec.. hhahas.. finally got him a xmas present! happy! dont have to wait liao.. if youre reading this, hope you like it!!! :)
hmmn...
felt so shuang on the busride back to city hall.. haha.. i like buses maybe.. hahas..:)

dont know..

dont know what to post.. i'll end here

WHY DO I FEEL SCARED BY MINORITY REPORT BUT...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
why is minority report troubling me!!!!
....
shit lah shit lah shit lah..
walao..
i feel so..
tense
SHIT
....
i dont get afraid by horror movies but why this! WHY THIS!!
DAMMIT...
same thing happened with matrix, i got really afraid, really scared..
shit shit shit..
help!
AAAAAHHH...
i wanna die man

nxt time i'll pay 4 you :)

i din post in 2 days..
and in those 2 days, seems like so many things happened..
hahas..

shanika is discharged from the hospital liao! :)
i hope she will be ok...
:D

haha
monday was great! :D
hhahas..
thx for the eeyore and sotong :)
hahas..
and, thanks for spending the whole day wit me
:)

Wow..
still feel like in a daze from yesterday's cg until now...
cant believe what happened actually happened..
i mean, the memories are there, but i just cannot register in my head and in my heart Just WHAT happened...

Beeleng was preaching a message on guilt. was crying throughout the whole time she preached, and jonathan and kokseng were like.. not very ok like that.. jonothan sat in a corner when beeleng asked us to be prayed for.. den...wa.. JONATHAN AND KOKSENG MANIFESTED AND GOT DELIEVERED!

O.O

shock man. walao.. i was so dam scared...i felt my sprit stirring in me.. my heart was beating v. fast.. and.. i was with shanika, hugging her, and she hugging me.. we were really scared..den..i mean, i was already crying, then shanika cried too.. she cried and cried.. den..she FAINTED! O.O

1st time i see some1 faint leh! she was like, next to me!!!! O.O O.O''''

SCARED LAH!!!
wa...
she said that she was scared, that because her house like not clean den dey manifest.. thats what she thought.. i dont think she knows the concept of delieverence then la, anyway, she said that lately, she hasnt been sleeping well, and sees things in her house.

beeleng and wendy put oil on her face, like under her nose and below her eyes.it was like.. WAHHH..
den her amah come home and start scolding her ...it was v. awkward..

den.. well.. we went downstairs 1st, the whole cg... din wan cause more trouble for her and
her amah..

den we went sit at coffee shop, me beeleng jonathan adrian wendy xin yi...the rest went to play basketball.. just sit down there drink drink... den... later we walked to the bball court, and shanika come down liao.. she seemed to be ok, just tired.. den..wa... things seemed to be ok, and.. so we went home.. i followed beeleng to the mrt, because bl had wedding dinner... got lost on the way. T___T'
haa...

anyway, i was with my friend, when huishan called me and said shanika like gonna faint liao, shanika said that she saw something at the tree there, some little boy... as in, she saw something that in the natural was non-existent. aka, most likely sprit..she fainted 3 times when i wasnt there..

den huishan call me to come down. so i told my fren go home 1st...haiyoh, still feel v. bad abt tat.. den went down. wah, shanika looked so dead, when i saw her again.. oh man.. im really stupid, shouldnt have left in the 1st place... haiz... she.. face pale pale... don wan eat, don wan drink... oh God..my sprit started really burdening me then... heart felt v. heavy..

den we -me and shan- tried to talk some sense into shanika, and ask her to stay at 1 of our houses for the night, because thing is, she Cannot stay alone, wait she faint again den no1 know..so we decided that i will go stay at her house, watch over her, anything i'll call huishan and vivian.. so we walked to her house. den, at her house, i called my ma. asked for permission, assumed can lah, because most of the time i dont have a problem with staying over... but my ma.. she scolded me.. she said its not safe for me to be there, and so... well, sucky feeling lah.. walao, i cried again.. haiz.. haiz,.. i guess she like that.. because my pa nt in singapore.. den.. aiya.. now only i understand, that she oso will worry for me,cuz she nvr see shanika before, and my hp no batt.. anything happen i oso cannot call back.. ..but at that time i was really pissed off at her, for not letting me do something i should be doing...
i felt really useless.. haiz... i was really really willing to do that, to care for her
its jing gai de..
and.. i couldnt even do that for shanika...
haiz.. my ma didnt let me to stay alone with another person in the hse.. she said if minimum 3 ppl can... haiz.. den after that, vivian called, and den her auntie allow us-shanika and me- to go her house stay. i felt v. bad, because shanika had to go some1 elses house to stay... but at least i could make sure things were ok.. otherwise wo really bu hui fang xin...

so that was our final plan. my ma allowed, because, ya lah, vivian house got so many ppl... den.. yea! we walked there. but then, when we were downstairs vivian's block, at the walkway, Shanika fainted again! that was the 1st time she standing den just fall.. walao! xia si ren leh!!! O.O'' but, it attracted a crowd.. dey called an ambulance... meanwhile, i was holding shanika.. a passerby came and tried to get her to wake up... her mother came, the ambulance came, her stepfather came... dey took her to sgh... so me and vivian cabbed down there, the ane..

wah.. my heart really thumping v. fast.... T__T''
shanika was in the room, i think being checked up... see what was wrong... the situation was really tense... her parents were constantly telling us, no nid to scared de, "wo xiang xin zhe ge ye shu hui bao hu ta de" uncle sent vivian back home 1st, because she got curfew, i think.. i stayed behind... was scared, not only for shanika, but oso because my phone had no batt, and die liao, den i was afraid of the big big hantaming i'd get when i went home... anyway, used a pay phone to call beeleng, who was on the way... and.. lucky lah, because beeleng came just before shanika was about to get transferred to kk hospital for observation..

the doctor said that physically, she was ok.. dey tot it was emotional problems, because that they wont know... it was spritual attack i tot.. haiz.. i never knew satan was so strong... the worry was always there, in my heart, that if satan can cause this much trouble, whos to say he wont do more than this. was praying in uncle's car... oh ya, uncle sent me and beeleng to kk hospital, because aunty took with the ambulance.. all along the way, in his car, wit beeleng, uncle was talking about God, and how he touched his life. he talked in chinese de, so i din understand everything... but anyway, despite the situation, i couldnt help but smile.. after what happened...because, he said, "if this God cannot let us see him, he can still let us feel him, and i think he is a really really good god.." i felt his heart was really pure, towards God, and that he loved God alot... wanted to seek God like that.. haha.. i could help but smile! God touches ppl in strange ways...but really, he did not change the topic at all, even the conversation in the hospital was about God.. only when dey started discussing shanika's situation den the conversation stopped.

anyway, in kk, me and beeleng saw shanika... she looked so helpless....we were so worried...Guys, Gers, lets pray for her, k? pray that she will not see anything that she should not see again.. pray that she will be safe, the Blood of God can come and purify her, it can wash away the past hurts.. pray her sprit is strengthened.. pray she will be fine...lets go visit her too! :) dey will keep her under observation for a day, i think.. and after that i think dey will ask her to go see a psychiatrist.. because physically the tests showed she was ok.. so..yea.. only thing, is she din eat for te whole day...

oh man... yesterday.. feels so tense... haiz.. i had to leave at 1, because my ma called beeleng's phone, and i kena scolding..again..she said that if i wasnt home before 2, she wld make police report.. dat really scared me.. din wanna cause any1 more problems than there were already....haiz.. i wish my damn battery didnt die lah, den maybe i could have stayed longer, could have talked to her.. i din really say much... i din really do much.. i feel so damn useless ... haiz.. ... ... ...

anyway, yes, the last time i saw her.. was 12:50+ den.. she looked really tired.. her eyes were red..i saw the injection on her and.. taped down there.. wa.. felt really scared... i hate seeing or getting injections... den.. wa.. she really looked so helpless!!! T___T''' should have prayed for her... i guess things of the sprit can only be solved by the Holy sprit... anyway, i hope she slept well... i hope she finally has rest, has peace from the nights she cant sleep.. i pray the lamb of peace really does come upon her right now.. and cleanses her through out.. i pray her sprit will be lifted, and she will feel the love of God.. oh shanika oh shanika..there are ppl who care for you... we really love you.. please take care of yourself? we dont want so see you get hurt like this... its really dam jialat.. oh Shanika.....oh God...

...
yea...
anyway, at 1.05, beeleng.. lent me 30$ to cab home.. i feel.. really useless man.. im wasting ppl's time and money.. haiz.. oh well.. i'll return her tmr.. the cab fare was $10.50.. tomorrow.. thats today... yea. i don care, im gonna pon drum lesson. heck care the damn teacher, talk crap put on puppydog eye or whatever.. i'll do everything i can to get out of going every sunday for lesson. hate it. hate missing services...haiz... oh well.. God oh God.. yesterday... when i offed the light.. i felt.. suddenly very scared.. felt i dont know.. i initially intended to just sleep and forget everything, because my sprit really felt very very burdened.. shou bu liao...

then.. when the light was off.. i felt scared...so worshipped God and prayed for awhile.. den wanna sleep, so i played christian music throughout the whole time.. i was sleeping.. den woke up at about 5 or 6 i think.. den went back to sleep.. so not really a good rest.. i hope every1 elses' was ok... haiz.. oh ya, funni lar, in my christian songs playlist, there is this song, forsaken, bu a band called skillet. it was like.. hardcore, and.. the guitar riffs and heavy drums... the.. ok, growls..it was really scary lah.. haha.. IMAGINE LAH! wanna sleep that time suddenly RAWR RAWR RAWRWWRWRWRR GRRRHhh.... aiyoh... was so scared...

today i woke up, not feeling too good.. not feeling too well, feel better than yesterday though... i hope shanika is ok, really.. imagine how jialat, it is to be in hospital, nothing to do, ppl you dont know... and.. wah, she saw 1 horror movie that took place in a hospital recently.. and.. well.. haiz.. i just hope shes ok lah. God, protect her. in Jesus' name, every demon that is near her, father i ask you to wash them away with you blood, and father oh father, wash her clean.. let her never see things she should be seeing ever again.. father strengthen her, father help her.. in Jesus name.. amen.

haiz..
i think too much..

yes. i will rant.
i suppose, if i wish to be stubborn, no one can change my thinking. but yes, the moment your mindset changes, your attitude changes, your lifestyle changes.. everything isnt the same. and.. my mindset changed. yes, its for the worse. today.

today is a bad day.
i dont know why i feel really hurt
by peoples words, actions..
by the past.
its haunting me.
haha. sense the irony?
im not afraid of sprits, so the past haunts me instead.
oh Lol.
thats so ironic.
hahahaha.
...
oh well.
who am i.
a mere speck on the planet.
one in a million millions.
amazing.
so small.
i mean so little.
how will this one little speck rise up?
i dont know.
because now, pressure from every single corner is coming, and pushing me downwards.
im sprialing down.
it sux.
i cant see where my future is.

i am ruled by my emotions.
i dont know why. i just am.

i liked to think of myself as strong. strong enough to cast away fears, take the world head on.
i cant even take a tiny thing, head on. im weak. im So weak. why? ...
im so afraid
im so...
haiz..
im practically scared of everything.
that sux.
oh well.
its not the end.
i still have the life after this.
no1 will see that post i wrote just now.
Thank God.
because if they do, im history.
and..
yes
im history.
end
finito
finale
ta da
.
my life
is
gonna
end
soon.

I CANT CONTROL MY DAMN FUCKING EMOTIONS....
why!
.....
yes
some people put walls around their weaknesses, to hide them, and protect themselves..
and im doing just that..
why am i like this, i just dont understand..
why i feel so unwanted, i just dont understand...
im ...
i feel so..
haiz
what does it matter...
who cares anyway.

and yes.
usually, when 1 says "who cares",
the inner thought is, by saying who cares, its actually getting people to say reasons, and reassure that things will be ok. but in this context... i dont think any1 really gives a shit anymore..

im useless.
it dosent matter.
what matters.
i wanna see Jesus.
oh God.. kill me now...

im so sorry..
didnt mean to say the things i said...
i really was not myself..
hope you forgive me..
i really mean it, Im Sorry..

well.. its ok if you don wanna forgive me.. just know that im sorry, and know that i regret it can liao...

i really donno what happen to me today..i feel so emo... i feel so worthless...
haiz..
im SO SORRY!!!!!!! ....

haiz.
i feel useless..... T___T'''

well....
idk lah...
cried alot on the bus home.. lucky it came pretty fast..
even more lucky it was empty...
if it was full, den would have had alot of ppl staring at me...

imagine, a ger, wit long hair, covering face, hearing headphones, blasting out loud, and sniffing, and tears flowing down... ppl donno think i on drugs.. all the cocaine.. heroin.. what else? O.O ...

hahas..
thanks, robin.. you made me feel alot better..you made my day. idk whats wrong with me lately lah, i have really almost no control over my emotions liao.. one minuite can happy happy, the other minute in tears... siao lah.. idk why the mood swings are getting stronger like tat... but thanks, robin. i really appreciate what you did.. :') if it wasnt for you.. i think i'd have started taking a penknife and slashing myself again..*was really tempted to. lucky didnt have a penknife near me at the time...* .. haha.. nah! engrave your name on the blog liao, "ROBIN"!!!! haha! happy? O.O''' -.- dots..

haiz.. i hope these mood swings will go away... i feel really insecure..
k i'll list down everything im feeling..
-insecure
-unwanted
-unloved
-forgotten
-ignored
-useless
-hated?
-extra
-unimportant

..
yeah.
it sucks.
and..
...
well...
i dont want the devil to come and lie to me about these anymore..
its untrue..
i know that much..
it has to be...oh God, please let it be untrue..
i dont want to really be unwanted...
i love them alot..
i dont want them to hate me..
haiz..
God oh God...
who am i in your sight?

am i really your child? but... if youre like our father.. then, every single person on this planet.. must be your child.. and.. they all want your undivided attention... father.. how can i compete with that? i want you too... i dont want to be forgotten.. i love you, my dada God... you know i love you.. you know the deepest desires of my heart.. you know my every thought.. you know when my last breath will be.......

God..
well..
thanks.
Amen..

oh man....
i really
am
very
sorry....
.....


haiz...
idk whats up with the MoOd SwInGs!!!
really, i was like.. crying, then after that, i went with shanika, sit on the bball court, watch dey all shoot hoops, den i was listening to metal/hardcore/alternative.. and i felt really peaceful... i was lying on my back, watching the clouds pass by.. with a smile on my face, with a silly happiness... and.. then i went with shanika to sit on the bench.. den... after what some1 said.. i felt tears welling up again....and.. i started thinking.. and...the tears flowed more and more... and... before i knew it... i was... crying again.. only, much worse than before... its been a long time since i cried and moaned. as in.. that high pitch sound when you cry... i felt like shouting.. i felt angry. wanted to punch somebody, i wanted to kill somebody, anybody, as long as i felt my fist hit the person's flesh, and i heard that scream.. i would feel satisfied... i dont know why i felt like that. its so horrible. ... i cant imagine it now... oh man... i hate myself ....

dam shit moodswings.... why issit like this!

fuck lah.
walao.
kao bei.
haiz.

...
oh shit.
used vulgarities again.
dammit.
arhhh...
this is so frustrating......
im so...
haiz..

im becoming a person i dont even like..

JIUMING!!!!!!


oh.. somebody...anybody.... please come and.. save me from.. the person ive become...

...
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME.
...

haiz.
im sorry.
sorry for everything i did, everything said.. everything.


im not myself today.
dont think i'll be myself for awhile.
and idk why.

why is my esteem so like that...
haiz..
i just dont get it..
i alwiz feel this way
despite whats happenin..
and..
i can cry practically anywhere, oso despite of whats happenin..
its so freakin... irritating...
why am i like this..
shit lah.....
haiz...

WHATS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!....
grrrrrh....
aiyoh.
dots .
suan le.

i will be happy today :)
everything can go wrg..
but i'll be happy!


who am i..
that you would know me from the start..
set me apart..
who am i,
that you would place eternity
into my heart

you have given to me
more than this world can give
my purpose is found in you!!!

1 LIFE
i LAY AT YOUR ALTAR
1 LOVE
I HAVE WITH YOU
TOUCH ME AGAIN
FILL ME AS YOU HOLD
MY OUTSTRETCHED HANDS

haiz...
i feel really.. haiz
...
idk lah.. the feelings of inferiority and unwantedness came back.... and..
im scared.. when will my heart give in
when will i breakdown?
...
i feel like a lousy friend...
he did so much for me..
shit la.......
i wasnt even there when he needed to talk..
i didnt know it was that yan zhong...shit.... im sorry...
next time.. i wont listen to what ppl's opnions are... im.. im really sorry... please, take care. i hope you'll giv me a chance to be there for you. friends, forever..
yes, friends forever sounds really like.. fake. because in reality, will it happen? .. but i mean it la.. i want to be your friend, forever.. take care of your self.. ... .... ... oink :)


hahas..
im starting to become abit too emotional... almost cried today.. again..... shit lah.. could feel the tears.. why do i always feel inferior.. why am i always scared... why? haiz.. whats wrong with me.. oh man..

oh yah, hhaha... watched a horror m18? movie at shanika hse! :D i wonder who was scared... hhahas.. i love watching horror lah!!! seeing deir face..the shock reaction... .. heh hehh hehhh... :P ... *smirk* hahha
diao
...
haha
anyway, im not scared of horror movies :)
simply because i alwiz believe.. that well... k lar..
when i was young, i got scared at something
and..it really freaked me out, that i can remember it till today.
and.. everytime i was scared, of anything, my ma will tell me, tell that thing, " in Jesus name, Be Gone!"and it will go.because Jesus' Name is stronger than any evil sprit.

hhahha.. anyway, that was a Really long time ago, when she telled me that. .. like.. 9..10..11 years?
and she isnt that spritual now. i think.. hahaha.. but anyway,
i still believe it.

anyway,
got 2 testimonies to share next wk cg :) but 1 is unconfirmed. :D
hhahas...

this is really irritating.
there are 1144 songs in my itunes folder, and
that makes it really hard for me to
sort them out.
because
i have to rename 1144 files in the original folder, and write, first artist, then name, if i don? headache.
and if i leave it?
cannot!
because
got some songs i oso never hear b4...
walao
really
big headache lah
waliao...
JIUMING!!!!
...
time to rename my genres.

today and yesterday are one of the best days of my life.
despite everything that went wrong... you will know what la.. hahaha.. that..that... ok nevermind! don wanna remember....

but,
i feel really
happy.
...

and..
yeah..
just wanna say..
thank you..
to the pg gang
because..
dey really did alot for me.
and..
..
i havent felt this
happy and
joyful
in a really really long time. :)

the tense feeling from yesterday
its gone.
totally gone
the nightmares..the bad dream?
gone!

thankyou.
really.
Thank You :)

wow.
maybe my mind really have problem.

had.. 1 nightmare, and 2 v. realistic dreams.
imagine one of my dreams was me at home, eating, just after i woke up. den i really woke up, and saw that i wasnt eating, and that the time was only 9+ ... should i go on fasting? ... this is the 1st time i fasted a 24 hour fast without feeling dizzy, or headachey... i feel so strengthened. but at the same time i feel so tramutized..

im really.. i feel like crying nw..

i dont know why after that, i feel really so damn tense.. it wont go away! ...
jiuming..

shit la..
i didnt know i was this weak.

i won post what happen today..
im... arhh.. im still ..

im..
im still scared..
abt it..

yeah...
...

my heart dosent feel peaceful as usual..
i feel really tense...
today wasnt really a good day. alot of things went wrong..

..but..
thanks, to.. yea, you all...
thanks..

i really appreciate.. you all being there.. because.. without you.. well, im really really very scared..

thank you.

i will NOT conform to the image of the world
if you dont like who i am, so be it.
i cannot possibly please everybody.
so i will aim for one thing.
to please my heavenly father.
his opnion is the only one that matters
of course i wont go delibrately searching for trouble,
but i will not be affected by people's opnions of me anymore.
their thoughts will not rule my life.
it will never define me,
it will never make me who i am.
i will be who i want to be.
i will do what is right, simply because it is right.
and at the same time,

i will try to build up these characteristics:
-kingdom-mindness
-God-fearing
-loving, love God, love ppl
-Helpful
-generous
-freely give, freely receive
-truthful
-honest
-trustworthy
-selfless

i have to start somewhere, if i really wanna change.
i mean
i dont wanna stay stagnant here forever.
i dont want to stay at the bottom.
i want to grow.
people grow, after they have been in church for some time.
ive been there for 2 years and 2 months.
time to have something to show for it.
:)

i will not be who people want me to be.
i will be who God wants me to be,
i will be who i want me to be.
people who think im too this or too that
whatever.

if im wrong,
i'll change
if i havent,
i'll try harder.

and one day
i'll grow.
more mature,
more spritual
more loving..

as i sow attitude,
i will reap character.

youre proud of me!?
hahah..
after all the f words?
..
ironic.
hhaha..
but.. thx.

rant rant rant.
ok.. im just an immature.. bodoh. ... ... ... i know that. i know, im not perfect, i know, im not even close to achieving what i want to. but that dosent mean i will just give up, give in.

yeah. i know im gonna have to watch my heart, watch what i say, what i do. because today.. i felt.. well, i felt that same feeling, that... that ... that.. devilish feeling. i dont know why it had to come. i dont know why i felt like that..but .. im scared of it. because its how i felt when i "backslided" and i dont ever want to backslide again! ... haiz.. what the hell am i doing... i cant sound mature, because im not. i know im not, and i dont want to be some poseur who fails at posing even. . . .

what is this blog for?
what are blogs for?

yeah. some ppl use it as a diary.. something they use to just write how deir day has been. if i did that, my blog post will end here. thats how boring my day was. nothing to write about. oh yea. one Good thing. my ma helped me buy my books for the next year, and helped me wrap them oso... but the bad thing is that... i told her dont buy, because i don wan her to buy the wrong books. and oso, its different lah. when you buy from the sch bookshop and when you buy from popular. haha. thats so damn nonsensical.

funni lar
..
haha

i am who i am!.. i'll never let the world define me as .. some1 im not. i'll never try to be something im not, i'll never ... haha. i'll Try not to.

dont like saying i'll never, because what if one day i do. thats so hypocritical. hhahah. well. i can improve on the good aspects, and get rid of the bad aspects. nobody is perfect, but we have a perfect God. haha

today i was watching this documentary..on.. well, the main theme was "How Did Our Ancestors Build the wonders of the world? could it be Aliens came and created us, or taught us the main things we know now? " shit lah. it questioned my belief. i mean..sure. it sounds really really dumb! .. and.. HELLO. im not the kind of person who likes to watch documentaries for fun! ... ok lah. i was really bored :) so go watch lorh........ .... haha.

anyway, dey really had alot of... well.. dey didnt give an outright answer, but.. well. haiz. just made me think lah. i mean.. there is a gospel of judas, and there was a documentary on it. but issit lies, or issit truth? some1 could have so easily just written a fake account. but thing is, there are many books that are NOT in the bible, because the ppl who decided which books would be there, did not choose them. and so, what if, the books that those ppl wrote are the truth? what is the bible? the word of God? people choose the stuff to put there. hello. haiz....its really confusing me. false prophets? ... who knows! ... waliao. wanna die lah. brain really wanna bao zha. can die. tmr have to wake up early some more. waliao.

today.
what did i do?
eat, sleep, eat, sleep, draw, study, (sure, for 5 mins.) complain, talk on phone. in other words? wasted the whole day. the ironic thing is im still tired. i dont know why. because im not .. well.. the whole room feels really... EEEEIIIIYUUUUURRRHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cannot describe this. it really feels so... i dont know why. i HATE THIS!!! ... WHATEVER SPRIT OR WHATEVER THING IS HERE PLEASE GET LOST!!! NOW NOW NOW NOWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! .......

sian lah. i wan sleep oso cannot. hate this hate this hate this. tomorrow supposed to fast. adrian gonna fast 3 days. ming dey all gonna fast 6-6. i dont know what should i do. that time i fasted 24 hours it was like hell. room was spinning. really, spinning, felt like dying. and wa. see adrian fast 3 days.. thats amazing lah. really really amazing. i have to remember that i cannot eat tomorrow, because i really wanna. haiyoh. k la. i think i'll eat now. then tomorrow will not feel so walao. haiya.. but at the same time.. i wanna sleep.... aiyoh.. what to do what to do... haiz. suposed to be at huishan house at 10.30 ... dont know whether i should go or not. because the feelings.. its not the same. i cant forgive myself, i cant forgive them yet.......i know i said i will... but... i just.. haiz. im still.... lying inwardly. im still... thinking and assuming the worst of ppl.. always thinking, whats their hidden motive? what do they want from me. do they want to embarass me, laugh at me? humiliate me? kill me? destroy me? haiz..

its so hard to love ppl. i dont know anything anymore. dont know who i am, haiz... SPRIT GET OUT.... NOW, GET OUT.......... i dont want this here. i dont want this anywhere. get this damn feelings out now, and forever. oh GOD .. help me forgive...

Oh God... help me. im not perfect.. but with you, all things are possible.. i can love them... i can befriend them, i can.. i want to love them... but.. i just.. haiz.. issit fear? of the past repeating itself.. issit fear? of what happened then, issit.. distrust? thinking.. thinking and thinking..

were they there for me? should i be there for them? .. haiz.. oh.. so many lies the devil can put into my heart. so many times i can falter, so many times i can fail. and the disappointment? what will it do to me. what will i feel? i must be confident. i must shun away these feelings. i must forgive. oh God. please help me forgive...they did nothing wrong... did they? ..haiz.. im getting really confused.

God, i love you.

sure.. nw im in a damn bad mood... IM NOT EVEN TAKING A SINGLE FUCKING PURE SUBJ! ... k fine. im taking 1. just 1. 1 PATHETIC SHIT SUBJ!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...
i feel so fucked up nw.

Friends, as you sow, that you will definetely reap. 30 fold, 60 fold, a 100 fold.

it never ceases to amaze me how spritually mature some people are. because when you see them, you think that what you see is what they are. its an automatic thought. but when you get to know them, then only you realise how mature they are. you cant tell by just looking at them once.

i one day.. i hope i can be that mature. because i dont read the bible, i dont exactly enjoy qt. i mean, i enjoy it. but i have trouble doing qt on my own, because its like talking to walls to me. so, i set up a blog to write my prayers to God. but its not the same, so its a dead blog now. there are only 2 posts there. and they arent long. haiz.. adrian yest said," sow attitude.. reap attitude" ... so.. maybe if i start sowing the attitude of just reading the bible.. maybe it will become a habit. ok i dont know.. hhahas...arh.. oh man.. i feel so useless, still. im still not doing anything.

i want to just spend this time doing nothing, because i know when school starts, i'll be so busy that i cant do anything i want to. now im still in shock that its holidays. i still cannot believe it. what the heck! i was thinking.. haiya. do something productive. then i realised, i dont have a single black pen in the whole house. so i cant do what i want to do, because it die die oso Must use a black pen, so im blogging. played abit of guitar, still cannot play well... dont know what to do, honestly. i always feel so left out, when im wit dem. but i cant feel like that forever! ...

i guess, like jiaying said before, its have to take the initiative to start conversations. im not an outgoing person. and i cant blame any1 for that, its my wrong. and... well .. i guess i have to change that. .. change what i can, do what i can, and leave the rest to God. if i sow that attitude of being more outgoing, not shy anymore, then i will reap 30 fold, 60 fold, 100 fold, a character that loves God, and loves ppl.

im still at the bottom. its like a ladder.. im at the bottom, and alot of people are on the top. but i can climb up there. and at the same time, i can climb down. but im gonna guard my heart, and hopefully i'll never climb down ever again. i dont want to be astray from God anymore. i still cannot pray well, i still cannot read the bible well. and.. well, what to do? ... haiz.. i can try.

pastor always says.. christianity isnt a religion, its a relationship! ... so.. i will try to talk to God, i guess. but at the same time.. have to respect his authority.. have to see him as, the creator of the universe.. and how vast is the universe? ...

"Area of a slice through the center of our universeArea = Πr2r = 1/2 the diameter = 1.7 x 1023 milesso area = 3.14 x 1.7 x 1.7 x 1023 x 1023 = 9 x 1046 square milesTo get of a sense of just how big this is, let's see what we can fit neatly into this area. If we took every single atom of the Earth's water and distributed it evenly in this area, there would be only one atom within each area of a bit more than one half a square mile.In 109, it was shown that the area of a slice through the center of our sun occupies 5.86 x 1011 square miles.In 1021, it is stated that the universe contains no more than 1023 stars all told and that the sun is considered to be an average star. Thus, if we would bring all the stars together and place them into one plane, they would all easily fit into our slice of the universe, with a very large amount of space to spare. Each star would protrude out of the plane for close to a half million miles. But each star, which occupies on average about 500 billion square miles, would in actuality have 1023 square miles of space in which to be placed. Thus, on average, each star would be about one hundred billion miles from its nearest companions. That's an incredible amount of empty space, much, much larger than our solar system, which is less than 8 billion miles across.In fact, considering that we have so much room to spare, we can do even better. If we now, cut up all the stars into slices, each not too many miles tall, we can still fit the entire universe of stars into our slice through the universe.The volume of our sun is about 8.6 x 1031 or just slightly under 1032. There are about 1022 "suns" in the universe. All told, they occupy 1022 x 1032 cubic inches of space, or about 1054 cubic inches. If we cut stars into ten-million-inch thick, rectangular slices and lay each slice next to each other, all these pieces would occupy close to 1047 square inches, about the same area as our slice through the universe. In other words, a slice through the universe just 160 miles thick can accommodate all the stars in the universe."

hahaha.. i dont understand. ..... brain slow brain slow. sian! ... arh wth. nothing to post liao. time to actually do what i said i would. hhahaha no mood to! ... grrrr... ok lah.gonna find that black pen, even if it keellss mee....... wth!!!! i NEED A 0.4/0.3 BLACK PEN!!!!!!!!!!!!..........

i made alot of mistakes. who knows how long it will take to undo? yeah.
i dont know what i did. i dont know Why. i dont know whats going on...
but.. haiz.. i just dont want to trouble me or any1 else anymore, about this.
so im gonna put everything on hold, for nw. its the end. finale.
i dont want to be a burden. so im really sorry. but.. im me :) ... and..
i dont want to.. yeah.. i dont want anymore problems abt this. because its really killing everything.
its like hell.
and hell is really... hellish. so...
haiz.. Yes. No More.

anyway, haiz.. i just.. oh well.. i cant keep running away.. where does running away bring me? i wont be a coward. i'll try my hardest not to. i'll face my problems head on. or try to at least. i wont pretend it never happened, because it did. and i cant blame anyone but myself. its my fault. i will take the blame.

yes. sometimes being too nice, and trying to please everyone in the end, hurts you ALOT. ive learned that the hard way. im not trying to brag or anything, alright? if you dont like what im saying now, please just go to some other website. no one is forcing you to read this post.

but, really. how can one person please every1? it cant be done. you please some1, some1 else is unhappy. even God cannot please everyone. i mean, if some1 prays for rain, the other for sunshine? what will he do? make it rain on that certain patch, and sun on another patch? It does not work that way.

Loving someone (NOT intimate love) is really hard. because when you love them.. you want to please them.. and.. well. love ppl, and loving every1, you want to please every1?! ... it will kill you. so.. i suppose.. just do the right thing. like that movie, Letters from IwoJima, there is this quote, "Do what is right, because it is right." so i learn now. i cannot please every1. if the person does not want to help himself../herself, there is nothing i can do! i will try my hardest. but .. know when to stop. because you go any further it will start to hurt you, and as much as you care for that him or her.. its not good. you go too far, things will get ugly. STOP.

alright. i dont want to post abt this liao. becoming emo! ...
ok stop stop stop...
ok!
different topic!
HOW WAS MY DAY??????
okay.
headachey.
because, i woke up at 8.45, stayed in bed till 9, when vivian aclled me and said that dey were meeting at 9.30 at tiong. i cant believe that they told me with 30 mins time to go bathe and everything. enough time meh? walao. so pissed off then. anyway, after that met them at boonlay, because i din have enough time. so.. yeah! i emoed on the train there.. hear music.. blah.. so. .met them at mac, at jurong point. den we ate.. Kokseng treated me to icecream :) if youre reading this, Thanks! :D yeah.. den we walked to eh.. bus. took 242. surprisingly, we had seats. i felt unwell during bus ride.. donno why oso.. whats even worse is that in the church building, i got Really Pissed OFF!!! ... and idk why oso. so that sucked. anyway, when church was abt to start, everything was ok liao :) Praised, and Worshipped .. didnt really feel anything, was so distracted. grr...anyway, the word really spoke to me.
its about:

Confidence.
with God, you can be confident, and you can please him.
and, haha.. these are the points that affected me alot:
-Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen, it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.
-Without faith, withoug confidence, its impossible to please the Lord.
CONFIDENCE WITH GOD:
1. NO feeling of INFERIORITY
2. NO SENSE OF INADEQUECY
3. NO FEAR OR APPREHENSION OF WHAT GOD WANTS US TO DO.
-Fear makes it easy to blame others.

yeah. so i learned these :) i cant blame others for what happens to me, because ultimately, ppl can influence me. only Influence. i am the one who decides what to do, decide to oblige to their influence. i AM who i decide to be. i can be anything i want to! With God, all things are possible.

remember that, its not "ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE" .. there is a catch, "WITH GOD"so without him, you have no assurance that things will be ok.

i have proof on this!
1. WITH GOD, i got to change schs, from mgs to stc. which is something i desperately wanted.
2. WITH GOD, i got a second chance to retake my exams, something that never happened before in my sch.
3.WITH GOD, i got promoted to sec 3 express

so many miracles, that i could not have done by myself. the Biggest miracle is that i got a second chance, because i failed. i slacked. and its really the 1st time it ever happened in STC. i fasted during my exam period. i got laughed at. dere were ppl that told me not to. but i went on, and God blessed me. He can do it for you. friends, if youre reading this, Have Faith, for what you want. because matthew 6:33, "seek first the Kingdom of God, above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need." this is a GREAT VERSE!!! hahahs Amen.

yes, friends, and Live your life to the Fullest! because, you never know when God will take you back. so dont procrastinate!

i mean, like m1, 1 life, live it.
surely you dont want to, when you die, go up to heaven, and have nothing to say for all youre time on earth? i mean, what will it be like. God reads youre resume, and its empty. how will you face any1? you will you face yourself. dont be a taker, be a giver. this applies to me as well. im a taker. i have written donno how many times on this blog, that i want to be a blessing. and i DO! but sometimes its so hard. today, i talked to God during fellowship, about this. i told him, i felt useless. i felt.. that i have Said that i wanted to be a blessing, and never actually carried it out. i have never Done anything to help. ive been in church for 2 years and what do i have to show for it? nth.

Thank God for jiaying. she comforted me. she went the extra mile to talk to me, about it. she said, my weakness is.. k, i wont post it. but, she told me what it is. and i couldnt agree more. i really Didnt know! hahas... shes a Role model, to me. she is always going the extra mile, for every1! although she has exams, she still comes for service.. .fellowship.. and whats amazing, she lives in YISHUN, and cg is usually at my hse, which is at Queenstown! HELLO?! FAR!!! that is really awesome. she is always one of the 1st to arrive. sometimes, she really is the first. its so far for her. she can always say.. aiya.. far lah.. i tired, some more, exams now.. stay home study lah ... dont go cg lah.. BUT SHE DOSENT! she does not do what the flesh tells her to do! she still comes on time, never late. never using excuses. its really awesome. She is Really, a Great person. Jiayou, Jiaying.

we celebrated her birthday today :)

oh ya, i forgot the most impt thing.
ITS THE 1ST SERVICE AT JURONG WEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
so we celebrated her bdae on the rooftop, where the new frenz were getting donuts :)

it was really nice. felt really homely.CHC rocks. :)

i cant think of anything else to post. im just really distracted lately... time to rant.
i ...haiz.. i cant accept myself sometimes. and that sucks. because.. well.. k lar.haiz.. i cant say anything here. i cant do anything. i will drift away. i will do what my cgl says. i will do what i think is right. even if it means not being myself. because i will have to learn, that i really Cannot please every1. and.. now i know that. so i wont. i wont bother trying. not anymore. i will help who i can. i will not help some1 until makes me so uneasy, makes me think i am in something that im not in. i will not confuse my feelings with the truth. i know what the difference is now. and i cannot run away. so i have to face this head on, and let God handle the results. God is always faithful, he will never let me down. and, no matter what, God will listen. GOD will never forsake me. i dont ever want to backslide anymore. i will never do anything, or do anything with any1 that will make me backslide. i REALLY HATE THAT PERIOD OF TIME. its etched in my memory, and if you knew how bad it was, you will understand why im so scared of backsliding. i dont ever want to be seperated from God anymore. i want to do his will.

oh ya,
everytime i talk to God, i feel this verse. "Jesus, you know i love you" one of the diciples says this,
and Jesus replies," If you Love me, Feed my sheep. Tend my lambs."
so i feel that
im supposed to feed his sheep and tend his lambs too, Because i Love Jesus.

i Will try to be accountable. i know i did wrong. i know. im sorry. i'll do my best to make up for it. i dont know how i can. but i'll try.

With God, all things are possible.
one day..
i hope i can share my testimony.. and
share with so many people, how Jesus changed my life.. how he touched me, how he saved me. twice, because i backslided once. i cannot wait for that day.

Jesus. i love you.