youre proud of me!?
hahah..
after all the f words?
..
ironic.
hhaha..
but.. thx.

rant rant rant.
ok.. im just an immature.. bodoh. ... ... ... i know that. i know, im not perfect, i know, im not even close to achieving what i want to. but that dosent mean i will just give up, give in.

yeah. i know im gonna have to watch my heart, watch what i say, what i do. because today.. i felt.. well, i felt that same feeling, that... that ... that.. devilish feeling. i dont know why it had to come. i dont know why i felt like that..but .. im scared of it. because its how i felt when i "backslided" and i dont ever want to backslide again! ... haiz.. what the hell am i doing... i cant sound mature, because im not. i know im not, and i dont want to be some poseur who fails at posing even. . . .

what is this blog for?
what are blogs for?

yeah. some ppl use it as a diary.. something they use to just write how deir day has been. if i did that, my blog post will end here. thats how boring my day was. nothing to write about. oh yea. one Good thing. my ma helped me buy my books for the next year, and helped me wrap them oso... but the bad thing is that... i told her dont buy, because i don wan her to buy the wrong books. and oso, its different lah. when you buy from the sch bookshop and when you buy from popular. haha. thats so damn nonsensical.

funni lar
..
haha

i am who i am!.. i'll never let the world define me as .. some1 im not. i'll never try to be something im not, i'll never ... haha. i'll Try not to.

dont like saying i'll never, because what if one day i do. thats so hypocritical. hhahah. well. i can improve on the good aspects, and get rid of the bad aspects. nobody is perfect, but we have a perfect God. haha

today i was watching this documentary..on.. well, the main theme was "How Did Our Ancestors Build the wonders of the world? could it be Aliens came and created us, or taught us the main things we know now? " shit lah. it questioned my belief. i mean..sure. it sounds really really dumb! .. and.. HELLO. im not the kind of person who likes to watch documentaries for fun! ... ok lah. i was really bored :) so go watch lorh........ .... haha.

anyway, dey really had alot of... well.. dey didnt give an outright answer, but.. well. haiz. just made me think lah. i mean.. there is a gospel of judas, and there was a documentary on it. but issit lies, or issit truth? some1 could have so easily just written a fake account. but thing is, there are many books that are NOT in the bible, because the ppl who decided which books would be there, did not choose them. and so, what if, the books that those ppl wrote are the truth? what is the bible? the word of God? people choose the stuff to put there. hello. haiz....its really confusing me. false prophets? ... who knows! ... waliao. wanna die lah. brain really wanna bao zha. can die. tmr have to wake up early some more. waliao.

today.
what did i do?
eat, sleep, eat, sleep, draw, study, (sure, for 5 mins.) complain, talk on phone. in other words? wasted the whole day. the ironic thing is im still tired. i dont know why. because im not .. well.. the whole room feels really... EEEEIIIIYUUUUURRRHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cannot describe this. it really feels so... i dont know why. i HATE THIS!!! ... WHATEVER SPRIT OR WHATEVER THING IS HERE PLEASE GET LOST!!! NOW NOW NOW NOWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! .......

sian lah. i wan sleep oso cannot. hate this hate this hate this. tomorrow supposed to fast. adrian gonna fast 3 days. ming dey all gonna fast 6-6. i dont know what should i do. that time i fasted 24 hours it was like hell. room was spinning. really, spinning, felt like dying. and wa. see adrian fast 3 days.. thats amazing lah. really really amazing. i have to remember that i cannot eat tomorrow, because i really wanna. haiyoh. k la. i think i'll eat now. then tomorrow will not feel so walao. haiya.. but at the same time.. i wanna sleep.... aiyoh.. what to do what to do... haiz. suposed to be at huishan house at 10.30 ... dont know whether i should go or not. because the feelings.. its not the same. i cant forgive myself, i cant forgive them yet.......i know i said i will... but... i just.. haiz. im still.... lying inwardly. im still... thinking and assuming the worst of ppl.. always thinking, whats their hidden motive? what do they want from me. do they want to embarass me, laugh at me? humiliate me? kill me? destroy me? haiz..

its so hard to love ppl. i dont know anything anymore. dont know who i am, haiz... SPRIT GET OUT.... NOW, GET OUT.......... i dont want this here. i dont want this anywhere. get this damn feelings out now, and forever. oh GOD .. help me forgive...

Oh God... help me. im not perfect.. but with you, all things are possible.. i can love them... i can befriend them, i can.. i want to love them... but.. i just.. haiz.. issit fear? of the past repeating itself.. issit fear? of what happened then, issit.. distrust? thinking.. thinking and thinking..

were they there for me? should i be there for them? .. haiz.. oh.. so many lies the devil can put into my heart. so many times i can falter, so many times i can fail. and the disappointment? what will it do to me. what will i feel? i must be confident. i must shun away these feelings. i must forgive. oh God. please help me forgive...they did nothing wrong... did they? ..haiz.. im getting really confused.

God, i love you.