ironic.
theres a chinese church cgm downstairs opposite my block,
and here i am shutting them out.
i give up.
its just a matter of time..
i alwiz said sooner is better den later, but..
how to sooner
haiz.
11 days..
of torture
and it'll all end
..
i hope.

haha. see my blog? "when i grow up, i wanna be a terrorist"
i dont even think i'll live to grow up. i told myself in sec 2 dat i'd probably end my life before im in sec 4. cannot take it. what is it i cant take? idk. stubbornness.

i cant just sit here and be touched. theres a rock layer around my heart dat NOTHING can penetrate anymore. thing is, im crying now. really, crying. i dono why, but.. yeah. i hate the world. i hate myself. i HATE EVERYTHING....
..............
............
...........
..........
..
..
im just a mistake creation.
maybe the maker didnt want me, so he put me here, knowing i'd die.
...
okay then.

i feel so betrayed..
like every post i type is just rantings... i dont understand!!!
if the world is like this, and its nt gonna change, isnt death easier?
its running away, isnt it? others wld just keep fiting.. what if i dont want to..
am i crapping?

haiz.. i wanna die manz.
fear?
idk.. i've always known.. haiz..
i just feel so alone.. apparently i depend on people.. now that no1.. hhhahas.. i feel more alone then ever.. well. if i could choose a day to die, it would be 14 march :) you'd know why..

keke..
yet i dont even dare to take my life.. ... how cowardly can i get manz. its so pathetic its embarassing.... i think and look down, a mere 10 storeys, and im afraid.. i look down 22 storeys, .. 40? ... if i jump.. it'll be forty... the only way i can think of to overcome dat fear is get drunk.. haha. sit there and drink till im drunk. den fall off. :) den i wouldnt even realise it... i'd be dead :) ....hmn. hope some1s there wit me.. or else.. well.. haha. im dat pathetic.. i dont even dare to die alone.. ..
hahahas.
wonder if i'll come back to life.. as a sprit? who knows. right now, i feel so.. haiz... i cant describe... i want to cry.. yet i dare not let any1 close enough to comfort me.. before i die.. i wanna kill some assholes.. hmmmn... day dreaming..*

guess just borrow chopper or sth.. hide somewhere.. throw at dem.. watch their blood flow... hahahahahas. i'll luff ..... like a manic or sth! :P ... i hope i die. :)



haiz.. whats the point of saying things i can never do? ... im too cowardly.. who knows.. maybe one day i'll dare to.... haha. i'll get to hurt people for the times they've hurt me... but whats the point.. im the one dat gets hurt the most.. like hello, my brains and blood will like spill everywhere.. i wonder what it'll look like when some1 commits suicide by jumping down.. hmmn... hahahas. some bloody mess! :P :P :P KEKEKEKE

.........
haiz......
self entertainment.....
yet.. its gonna be all my fault , isnt it..hahahas. as usual. i can never do anything right. maybe dat was why i was put on this earth. to die .. isnt every1? .... i mean, how to live w/o any purposes.. its just following routine.. and now im alone, its... its scary.. i have to face EVERYTHING alone... hahahas..


................
i wanna kill people...................................................
maybe my heart is black..
who knows..

tears of a broken heart..
falling away, breaking from..
shunned, shut away.. forgotten..
inverse.
reversed.
...

there..changed my blogskin..
it still don have archives. heck.
...
well... its playing my favourite song of the moment, fall again... haaa
.. haiz. feeling so down lately.
i poned sch today... well, i was sick for 3 days in a row, so.. when i went back yest..i felt unwanted.. haiz.. i guess its my stubbornness dat keeps me from doing well. i just wanna end it all.. wish i could kill people.. watch their blood flow!

man slaughter. when i think abt ppl getting tortured, idk why, its sadistic, but i'd laugh.. hahahas. as in, if dey deserve it lah. kekeke. i'd wanna be the one to drive the nails into their flesh and watch the blood flow gently.. while hearing screams of agony.. kekekeke.. i'd laugh. :P

so angry.
today woke up
fever
sian.
....
why am i becoming more and more fragile
ok,, "FRAGILE"
....

anw, i really donno what i want to do wit my life. if i don dare to kill myself, how can i do things dat make life better for MYSELF....... hmmn. *brain storm brain storm brain storm*

hmmn.
i guess.. making ppl.. recognise me won be a bad idea..
haha. whats the use of posting dis. i won do dat.
hahahaha.
well. some1 told me.. its a competition. well. haha. i guess den i'll have to aim to get 1st... zzzzz. but how is it a competition...
dosent it totally defeat the purpose?

... i'll never understand why i was put on this damned earth for. i could have died as a baby. i think i was supposed to.... but why am i still alive?! .... haiz. well.

life dream... kill ppl.. i wanna be a terrorist when i grow up.. hahas. idk why, but im becoming more and more sadistic.. i laugh when i see ppl suffer.

argh
heck

ANYWAY
today. i was 30 mins early for lesson, and isma and the rest were 30 mins late. i ended up waiting an hour. thanks. :) ..............
and, hello. SOS ISNT EASY.
its 16 beat, dammit.. think im dat pro..?!
.. haiz..
well. it'll help if you guys don keep pressurising me. i know when the deadline is, im doing my best as it is, k? ...
haiz..

am i running away?

guess i cant accept anything anymore..
always see a motive behind it.
nth is ever visible..

haiya.
fuck this lah.

idk wtf im doing anymore,
whether issit because i keep pushing ppl away or whatever effing shit,
but maybe it'll take 11 days
den i'll cease to exist.

if it dosent hurt, it wont hurt trying, huh?
i'll try.

... hmmn. browsing some webbies.
so cute "gun shot through mouth or temple " pain? NO, unless you miss (NOTE: you do NOT want to miss) hahaha! so cute
...
is being gased to death painful?

sian..
monday, my usual poning day..
im poning again.. ok im not
i guess im really sick dis time round.
haha. like boy who'd cry wolf man. usually monday im like a zombie even if i go sch
dis time..

idk lah
im luffing at myself now for my own stupidity
drank 5 cans of coffee yest
now having a killer stummuch ache
dont dare to go sch loh. wait keep running to toilet
sian lah! spent half an hour + in the toilet.
ER XIN

lol. my ma luffing at me too. said im full of shit! :P
yuck.
haiya. im as good as dead lah.
......
wahlao.
hate this man...

like dat.. haha. i know no1 will believe me lar. dont care. what am i supposed to do man. zzz i feel like vomitting now.. told hilda and eliz goh.. yeah, i know dey prob won believe lah. i dont blame dem.. argh. anw, im as good as dead, so.. yes. :) ... kill meee!!!!!! ...argh..
pain ..
idk why im feelin like dis man. last nite was guai lor. didnt reach home late.....argh!
... frustrating
zzz.

somehow.. i feel empty.
like a part of me has died. can the whole person die? how.. i want to, know? ...
zzzzz
life
sucks.
zzz

I feel it everyday it's all the same
It brings me down but I'm the one to blame
I've tried everything to get away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
It feels like everyday stays the same
It's dragging me down and I can't pull away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?
Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and overI
try not toOver and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try

So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head
I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead
I know what's best for me
But I want you instead
I'll keep on wasting all my time

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try to


hahas.
helloz. im not exactly having a great day, but it was tahanable. hhahas. well... i got ignored by .. yes. i cannot say, because it hurts when i do.. alot.. and.. hahas. thanks, robin, for praying for me.. i just.. idk lah.. hahas. i mean... well. im really v. confused rite now, so.. yes. sorry.

what he said.. i guess its true.. i am emotionally unstable...
haiz..
like roller coaster!
*i like to eat dem*
hahas

anw, sth v. funny ... i like to self entertain, sorry bout dat. hahas. was hungry cuz nv eat dinner... so.. i go cook eggs. :P i know, sounds stupid. it is. hahaha.. never cooked for like.. 4 - 6 mths lor. den.. so i washed the frying pan.. blah blah blah.. den couldnt find a spatula, so used a wooden 1.. put the margarine.. put the eggs.. den.. i cook lah! den WAHLAO! cannot find.. soya sauce. sux. only had coarse black pepper. YUXK. anw, i put it in. made it half cooked, because i like it like dat. but thing is, when i eat it ah.... er... it SUXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX!!!!!

hahah! seriously, man! it LOOKS LIKE PHLEGM! ... ergh. why did i eat it. omg.=.= .... oh well. last time, i cook, is dam nice 1.... really dam nice!!!.. well, ice as compared to now lah. :) ... hahahas. well. yux. :P i cant cook for nuts.. failed my home econ 1.. think i got f9 for 1 grade.. hmmn. hahaha!!! theres only 3 things i can cook. eggs,*last time anw* , instant noodles, and er.. nth. haha,. ok. 2 things. i cant even toast bread! it always ends up chao ta... whatever i toast forever chao ta.. even if i stand outside the toaster and wait, it ends up undertoasted or BLACK! ..
...
yuxk.

haiya. zz

helloz.
tired.
tired and angry.
argh. well.
what to do?
i'll be dead soon.

i dont wanna go on because i cannot see where im going, and i dont wanna run blind..

thats what i told my drum cher.. well.
i see no more purpose in my life. its so routine. i try and make it interesting, and.. well. :)right now, im facing one of the worst days in my LIFE. so bad dat i dont wanna go back to it. well. what to do. wtf to do. im lonely. im like dat. im self centered..

another thing i said to my cher is dat, i only see 2 reasons to live..
1. i wanna one day want to love unconditionally and feel loved in return.. friendships, relationships..
2. i have to support my ma nxt time... she v. poor thing 1
...
i feel like dying. i did try... i just.. cannot do it.. i cannot fight this fight, i cannot finish this race..

ppl will mock at me, saying of course you cant finish since you said you cant..
well. is that true? idk. maybe.. im making an effort. its nt big, but its a start.. im sorry that my effort isnt a big one, but its gonna gradually get bigger so long i dont get depressed again.. everytime i sink into depression its like my life is ... haiz
miserable..
im feeling alone in this world.
haiz..

flying

falling

into yet another abyss.

haiz..
hahas

SUDDENLY I FEEL HIGH!!!!
OK
i don feel like being "soulful.."

hahas.. the photo shoot.. 3 pictures from sterotypes dat involved me :P 1 of dem sux.. i mean, my face looks like a circle. =.= zzz.... hahhahaha!!!

anw, dis is the 1 dat ppl say v. cool :P

NICE?!?!
:D

so pai seh. i got 1 photo of me dam ugly 1!!!! so sad. haiyoz. hahahaha. oh well... zzz... i don look good in photos generally, so dis is a big surprise for me! :D

hahaha!!!

:P

haha.
talking to ppl i dislike is uber hard man.
hahahahas... well. what to do. dats life!
hahas. so many ppl.. argh..
zzz irritating.
anw, the photoshoot was partly a success, partly a failure. im sad, cuz i look like a mushroom face in one of the pics... hahahas. so funy. im not relaly photogenic anw. :) but thx , james for uploading it! :D

hahas.
well..come to think of it.. Z2h is drawing to an end.. and my band hasnt been able to play finish the 2 songs we're playing on 15 march.. shit man. gonna have to work DAM hard. :)
im addicted to ban mian..

sian.
eyelid like
got problem..
eye dam pain oso..
its like hard leh.. wahlao. it swell or what idk. i just pray it goes away faster. because now i don dare wear contacts. =.=
argh.. its so irritating.. why must my eyes have problem.. wahlao..

hahas.
i have an urge to eat ban mian..
anw,
finished the dam rose..
it looks weird. well. my friend said it was nice :)
so im happy!
tomorrow is lit and science exam. too lazy to study. argh. zzz
redoing my art hw. anw, going to zzz nw :)
nite

HEYA!

another sleepless night.

haha

no lar...

im simply not tired..

spent quite long doodling on a rose. wanted to colour something, nth to colour. so found a pic of a rose online, and drew it out. i dont have a scanner, so the closest i have to putting it here is hp camera. and abit of editing wit microsoft word to change the brightness and contrast. because my hp camera quality very sucks. :)

its.. well. i was bored :)

its not really dat nice, huh. better in real life. :P

alwin,i know how you feel.

hahas. come to think of it..
my heart used to hurt alot..
i used to be troubled alot, tortured.. in my thinking i suppose..
i mean.. hahahas. i dont think he has any clue that i felt the same way hes feeling nw..
well. its ok. im over it. had to. it killed me. then again, maybe he knows. well. dosent matter, hahas.. its ok. im ok. he can know.

HAAA!! NO HE CANT!!!!
=.=
argh.
....

well. all i wanted was to help ..and.. argh. why am i posting this in a blog. its supposed to be a diary entry. argh. heck. =.= .... well.. it really killed me. i mean.. i felt.. haiz. cannot say. all the f words come out. anyway, because of dat, i guess i misunderstand easily.. have to put safety lock ard my heart next time. cannot fall le. cannot make the same mistakes. =.= argh. frustrating. dosent matter.. oh well. it made me hate as well. haiz. sad.

used to always blog to tell myself things would ok, get up again when i fall. i have to. im emotional. yes. im egoistic too, apparently, that im blogging this. haha. i dont much care. im learning. making mistakes.. trying. if it dosent work, i know i tried. its ok. :) i'll tell myself that. i hope my friends dont judge me based on my mistakes alone.. hahas. i have to give up on it.. :) i did!

its the past anw. im not gonna remember, because the scars will never fade, and thats a fact. they stop hurting, but never fade. haiz
sad..
oh well.

i thank God i have friends who care for me and <3 me. im not like other ppl, i know. im weird. i know. its ok. i tell myself its ok. hahas. issit taking pride in the wrg things? i dont much see how, hahas. eli, sayang sayang. :)

time to study. a maths and english exam tomorrow. i need to do well, because in o lvl, i dont have cca points to pull up my grade. i NEED good marks. time to study!

lol..
things have been going fast lately..
i guess.. well. we didnt do the right thing .. as in, nth lah. but.. haiz. how to say.. =.= zzzz
i dont know.. ive wronged him, hes wronged me.. has he? .. i dont know.. i've wronged him. oh well.
whats done is done, thanks, robin, for understanding .. but.. well, i owe you.. i owe you i owe you i owe you.. haiz.. =.= im uber confused nw.


anyway, as things go.. sunday was a hectic morning.. well. yeah thats it. hahas. sunday.. well, got up, he was downstairs.. yeah. den.. well, took a bus tgt. he went home, i went to lesson. so qiao dat we both take 145. :) well, yeah. stopped somewhere to buy food. hungry! haven eat breakfast. den.. well, went for lesson :) was kinda early, because saw valerie, isma, janice, eunice, and ehh. i forgot your name. hahas. sorry. anyway, saw them at the staircase.. .. sit down.. got powder on the floor! haha. isma's butt full wit it . hahaha :P almost typoed on isma's butt and wrote isma's bust. hahaha. sick. =.= well. thats why i love being in a all gers sch. can talk about any random subj :) hahas. anyway, after dat, realised dat there were people down there setting up lights and camera before lesson. so we went for lesson! :) haha. 2 songs decided, starlight and sos!!! lol the funniest thing happened, i was playing the starlight intro, den isma played built to last on her cue!!! :D haha! every1 was laughing like siao lar! :P

hahahaha..now say its not funny le.. anw, today i kanaed in house suspension.. sian! ... at least the cher let us still take exams.. though no heart to do it. sian. haha. i need maths tuition. :) sian

k. no mood to blog. took me about 3 or 4 hours to finish art hw. yest, and today. the paint hardened in the palette, so i added water, so use again hahahaha. :)

at least it wasnt acrylic. :) den it wouldnt stain clothes... hahaha. ppl dono think i spill things on it. come to think of it, i did. paint :P

yes, i feel torn. i feel like a part of me is.. well. i've done something i hate doing, let someone down..i take the blame, its my fault, not his..

i guess.. well, i've never felt loved like that..always thought i was a burden to people 1 .. and.. he was there for me.. i suppose i felt that that was love.. i dont know what is love.. i just wanna do the right thing.. i guess when im more mature, i'll know.. robin, im truly sorry. i'd i honestly dont know how the whole situation started.. its just.. well.. happy times.. and... well, you were the 1st person to care for me until like dat. i really had the time of my life, spending it wit you.. you made me feel like all the hurts didnt matter.. i could just forget every bad thing. then.. time passed.. and suddenly.. when you asked me to do things.. i felt compelled, forced, to do it.. maybe i didnt know how to say no... i was afraid, robin, im sorry.

why am i making this public.. i dont know.. you said your past on your blog, i guess now its my turn to speak my mind..

well. sometimes i felt you were using me, sometimes i felt that i was forced to do what you want, because you always said i wanna die i wanna die.. and.. well, i was afraid you'd really die. well. i cant remember what happened.

thank you, beacuse you were a friend.. you comforted me alot when i was down.. you lifted me up.. i cried like i didnt for a really long time. the last time i remember some1 being there for me when i cried until like dat was siew. dat was 2 or 3 years ago at a cg chalet.. other times i cried i was alone.. you made me happy. you made me feel loved. and.. well, i suppose thats how things got out of hand. you made me feel loved. i thought that was love. and i dont know whether it is. but i cant love you back.. and.. well, its no point lying to you, or to myself.. i simply Cannot love you back, so its really best you forget about me.. im sorry that im rejecting you.. but.. i cant.. its just.. i cant. i realised.. that love i felt.. its more like a brother rather then anything else.. like a close friend.. and im sorry i misled you.. it didnt occur to me till recently that.. well.. that i dont see a future wit you. im sorry, but yeah. robin.. i know its too late to apologize.. because the hurt is alr there. and i cant erase it. but if i continue, things will just get worse, because i'll end up hurting you even more. and i dont want to hurt you.. you dont deserve that..

and i dont deserve what you've given me.. im.. well.. im an asshole..
im sorry.
i was wrong.
im sorry..
i misled you into thinking something was when it wasnt..
for that im sorry the most..
i misled you.. i mean.. well. i thought that things would .. well. i dont know what words to use. but... you'd know above all.

im .. sorry..

just now, when you said you wanted to die.. i really didnt know what to do.. because it would be my fault.. i guess the only thing i can do is ask God to protect you.. yes, i know it sounds corny.. but seriously, i dont seem to be able to change things anymore.. i want you to be happy, and im not the girl to make you happy.. i dont understand you, robin. please take care of yourself....

i dont know what to do anymore..
i feel torn..

well. i thought today would be a good day, and yes, it was. until now.
i really dont know what to do.. i thought it was the best thing for both sides.. *haha. sounds like a war.* oh well. i dont understand anything.
.. i just cant get it into my head..
haiz
im always getting pushed into doing this, into doing that.. without any idea of what is going on. guess its time to take control of my life. well. i have no idea.
all i can ever say is i dont know huh. i never know.
i never know what i will never know.. why cant life just be simple.. then it would be boring. guess i should not care about everything. isnt the best way to not get hurt in the end. i feel shredded now. any idea how sucky that feels? .. this isnt the worst time i cried.. i mean.. haiz.. i dont know..

there.. a i dont know again..
im getting irritated with myself :)
well, then again, i dont much like myself.
arh.

life is filled with hurts.. i have no idea what im causing.. but yeah.

happy valentines day :)
haha. happy birthday, valerie :)

today.. alot things happened dat pissed me off, and alot of things happened that made me happy. but i dont have enough time now to do finish homework, so i'll be a notty ger :) haha. lame. huh. hahahas. oh well. today drum lesson totally wasnt lesson lor. i brought my sticks for nth. cher taught me GUITAR! haha. power chords. chim to me, easy to the rest of the world

OH YA!
yesterday, i got the 2nd highest for a science test, together wit some other ppl, the class clapped for me :) ... hahahas.. and today, i got the highest for a compo! hahas. im so happy. i spent 2 hours researching for it. :)
PTL

he surprised me.. i mean.. haiz. i felt really bad lah. because.. of confusion on what to do.. peoples opnions, these kinda thing.. anyway, Thanks, for the card, the poem, the present. i owe you. :)
maybe things werent that bad after all.then again.. im still lost, confused, inferior, doubtful.. haiya. don wanna go on.

i don wanna waste anymore of my life.. is this is what its forever gonna be, might as well die now..
heaven knows how sucky everything ends up.
i dont wanna.
i dont wanna i dont wanna i dont wanna......
just leave me alone can le.
:)
im happy enough, happy enough to say i dont want this life, take me away, kill me, slaughter me, hantam me, anything. i dont care. so long i dont have to wake up anymore.

i know how alone i am... like.. i mean.. haiz.. what to do.. if im unwanted.. im just extra, huh? kik me out.. let me die.. let me die let me die.. idk what happened..
but i cant die.......................
and theres no more purpose anymore...
no1 seems to give a shit..
typical

i wish i knew what i was getting into
.. feeling super lost now..
haiz
does it matter?
....

well. i dont wanna drag things.
because dragging hurts even more..


haiya
so sick of posting nonsense.. i thought..
well. guess im not important after all...
haiz..

my heart feels heavy..
i mean, literally, i feel like a weight is crushing me..
idk why..
what alwin said that day..
i dont know..
if it was any other day i'd have cried alot..
well.. im surprised.. i alwiz thought.. that people loved others with a motive behind it. like everything they do, they expect something in return.. they expect to see results, expect you to do things for them.. i dont know.. thats just what i feel.. but.. haiz.. i dont know ..

beginning to see my life from a third person's point of view..
and its living hell
i mean.. yes, i do have friends, i do have people that care for me.. but ...haiz.. i dont know.. in the past, seems like every friend i ever had took advantage of me.. because i couldnt say no.. my whole primary sch life, i found it really hard to say NO to people.. valerie said this, "youre like a slave to everyone" ... anyway, i disagree wit dat.

well.. my life seems to have lost its purpose.. i cant remember who hurt me, i cant remember how, i only know it happened. and i cant let go just yet. ... will i ever?

i've always kept things inside.. i accepted people for who they were, i didnt hate any1? but.. i was quiet, i was lonely, i didnt dare to be myself.. what was it. all i wanted was to be accepted? .. i can never be accepted..... i guess skin colour was always an issue.. well.. dosent matter.. haiz.. i hope this crushing feeling goes soon.. its.. not v. nice.

anyway, yesterday, mavarick came back :) really happy bout that.. i mean.. hes like a big brother to me.. a big brother i never had.. and.. my whole life, i guess i'll never know what having a sibling is like.

then again, i hate my life.

so many roads, which to choose, where to go from here..
as time passes.. they slowly diminish.. dey disappear..

and.. i'll be left with one..
forever, that one..
so its up for me to decide Now, which to choose?

i suppose..
28 scars that i counted. anyway , they are healing now. its not as red. so wasted. later might cab down to service. i mean, .. haiz.. then again.. i dont think i should.. worth it? the last time i felt really out of place when dey did that because of my race. anyway, i always felt inferior because of my race.. because of.. well.. i mean, i Dont belong here, neither there. so..... yeah.. rojak blood isnt dat fun 1..

haiz. =.= ......
eventually every1 will be rojak....
what to do.
thats EVENTUALLY!.
now is now..

i feel like shit man.. wish i could remember those things of my past.
all lost le.
like some idiot go empty the recycling bin in my cpu
=.=
haiz.
sad

anyway, nid to rush off for lesson liaoz.
what to do?
die lor
..

yest night had 2 more stupid dreams.
why ah...
i love dreaming, i love sleeping..
but WHY DO I DREAM SO MUCH!
if only i can learn from algernon.. control your dream 1.. like.. know that youre dreaming..
not let events pass you by
=.=

i can do anything sia!

hahas. why are ppl so pessimistic?
duh. because not optimistic.

tomorrow will be a good day? :)
1. i have lesson
2. I GETTING MY BIBLE BACK!
3. WOOT! :D cant say...
4. I CAN GO FOR SERVICE ON TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! not just on time, EARLY!!!! don nid cab down
:)

http://www.dreammoods.com/

time to figure out all my dreams that i remember..

- losing my eyes..
To see your own eyes in your dream, represents enlightenment, knowledge, comprehension, understanding, and intellectual awareness. Unconscious thoughts may be coming onto the surface. The left eye is symbolic of the moon, while the right eye represents the sun. It may also be a pun on "I" or the self. If you dream that your eyes have turned inside your head and you can now see the inside of your head, then it symbolizes insight and something that you need to be aware of. This dream may be literally telling you that you need to look within your self. Trust your intuition and instincts.
To dream that you have something in your eye, represents obstacles in your path. Alternatively, it may represent your critical view and how you tend to see faults in others.
To dream that you have one eye, indicates your refusal to accept another viewpoint. It suggests that you are one-sided in your ways of thinking.
To dream that your eyes are injured or closed, suggests your refusal to see the truth about something or the avoidance of intimacy. You may be expressing feelings of hurt, pain or sympathy.
To dream that you have crossed eyes, denotes that you are not seeing straight with regards to some situation. You may be getting your facts mixed up.


-SAND MONSTER/OCTOPUS MONSTER
Chase dreams often stem from feelings of anxiety in your walking life. The way we respond to anxiety and pressure in real life is typically manifested as a chase dream. Running is an instinctive response to physical threats in our environment. Often in these dream scenarios, you are being pursued by some attacker, who wants to hurt or possibly kill you. You are running away, hiding, or trying to outwit your pursuer. Chase dreams may represent your way of coping with fears, stress or various situations in your waking life. Instead of confronting the situation, you are running away and avoiding it.Ask yourself who is the one chasing you(SAND MONSTER!!!!!!) and you may gain some understanding and insight on the source of your fears and pressure(THREW BANANAS AT ME).The pursuer or attacker who is chasing you in your dream may also represent a part of yourself. Your own feelings of anger, jealousy, fear, and possibly love, can assume the appearance of threatening figure(AGAIN, SAND MONSTER!). You may be projecting these feelings onto the unknown chaser. Next time you have a chase dream, turn around and confront your pursuer. Ask them why they are chasing you.One may be consumed by their own anger, jealousy, love, or self-destructive behavior. For example, you may be drinking too much or exhibiting open hostility toward others around you. You may subconsciously be threatened by these actions which have been jeopardizing your relationships and/or career. Your dreams are a way of calling attention to these self-destructive actions.A more direct analysis of chase dreams is the fear of being attacked. Such dreams are more common among women than men, who may feel physically vulnerable in the urban environment. These dreams are inspired by fears of violence and sexual assault in which we are so over-exposed from the media. The violence that the media portrays magnifies our fears and how at risk we all are.

-BC CHINA ~paralysed
Dreams of being paralyzed are not only common, but reflects the state that you body is in when you are dreaming. The phenomenon is referred to as sleep paralysis, REM paralysis, or sleep immobility. This paralysis occurs to prevent you from actually acting out your dreams. Although the�scenario varies, the theme is the same. You may try to run and find that you cannot move your legs. Or you may try to scream, but nothing comes out. Symbolically, your paralysis may be rooted in your anger and frustration. You may be so angry at someone that you actually try to raise your arm during your sleep, but fail to do so.�The slow motion imagery in a dream proves also to be a significant component. You need to re-think and justify your actions and determine if your waking situation is being exaggerated. Perhaps you need to find some psychological and emotional middle-ground.


haiya. too lazy to find others.
lets see.
i've dreamt of

LOSING MY EYES
sand monster
octopus monster
pokemon
going fishing
cg going somewhere.. celebrating some1's bdae i think
pb throwing popcorn/pillows at my face
dreamt of vincent diluting wine in a pet shop, some1 buying hamster
dreamt of the cheena village, paralysis
jiaying's shoulder
ma got threatened in a bus
dreamt a ship sank, cousin cha yi dian died...
err.. dreamt i was inuyasha/kagome
dreamt of tommy and vivian in kfc/burger king at expo
dreamt of alwin and jonathan? or huishan... dono where. some ulu place
dreamt of the soon to be z2h
whole cg going toilet
playground in the house
floating around wit a chair stuck to my ass =.=
wartime.. ww2/ww1.. some woman wit 1 eye



the rest forgot le...

haiya
everything hurts lah.

i just.. i dont know....well. whatever..
i know im not important,
nothing any1 says or does will ever make me feel impt..
its just a mentality..
its just a mindset..
putting myself down..

for?
no idea.
always been like that
.......................

i just wanna know im...
haiz..
it dosent matter..


if i cant rant here, where can i rant. expectations are always destroyed, hopes are always crushed, nobody gives a shit?! whats the point of this ... im the one thats gonna suffer from this, arent i? never felt more alone.. well. i know how alone i am now i guess. things arent different
..

they arent different... i just never realised this till now.. well.. who am i to judge. everytime i wanna cry, i cry alone.. everything i do, im always alone.. if not physically, then emotionally.. because i dont let people in? perhaps. i dont dare to. i dont want to. i wanna end my life.. but i cant.. i cant do anything i wanna do.. how often have i said that..

it never matters.. it will NEVER matter. its not worth it anyway. i cry to myself... look down on me all you want.. i've had enough of it.. given up caring.. what issit i have to give to feel a sense of acceptance? ... i give up.. its.. haiz.. i give up..

feel like shouting, "ELIZ. WAKE UP. WAKE UP AND SEE THE THORNS IN YOUR LIFE." pick them up, throw them away. dont care about them!? .... thats all they are.. thorns.. there goes my future, there goes my past.. there goes the past sowed into the future, which will never come to pass.. because i disallow it.. i dont want anything to do with this..

if i asked to be left alone, does it change anything? im ALWAYS ALONE.. .. .. . . . ..

as usual, this makes no sense.

am i ok..
what if i said no..

seems like my blog posts all revolve around something..
i mean, i am typing what i feel at the moment, but..
i dont know how to explain..

its like..they are kinda depressing.. haha

theres so many excuses i can find for 1 small thingy.. but i'll never carry out my 100, 1000 , 10000 excuses... thats all they ever are, excuses.. telling me, but i didnt force myself to do this, i didnt expect that to happen.. im in no position to even speak,man..

well..
as usual, im getting ignored. get used to it over time. im not bothered anymore. ok, i was lying.. haaa..

what to do lah... i mean.. i dont have anything to look forward to. every day is merely a routine, a chore. i dont wanna go home, i dont wanna leave home.. i dont wanna live!... well. thats my fault too. no, i didnt choose the family i was born in, but i can change it, cant i? if not them, myself, cant i?

suicide is destroying the 1 person you can actually change.. but i don wanna change.. stubbornness.. who cares. im sick and tired of living this lie.. i cant wait for sunday. FINALLY GET MY BIBLE BACK! and something else great too. finally..
i feel like crying...

i need to be aware of the fact.. i am 14.. merely 14.. its.. a pathetic age.. i dont belong here, neither do i belong there.. in school, there are so many rumours flying around and so much gossip i want nothing to do with.. theres so many images people try to create, that i try to avoid.. and yet.. well.. i dont know.. i cant say. anything.

i dont wanna blog nonsense anymore.
if i say that, it means i'll never blog again. everything i type IS after all, nonsense.
you mean, this makes sense? nothing makes sense..
what is religion.. what is faith.. what is life, what is death,, what is afterlife, what is friends, what is this, what is that,
....

its too late to apologize..
not that you did anyway...

what may it seem to be on the surface..
typical?
was telling valerie bout it.. she said its worse then chnl 8 drama serial'
haha. that brought a few laughs..

anyway.. i dont have to see them for .. say 3 months, so im gonna rejoice. know what? it wasnt worth it... going to see them yest.. yeah.

im afraid, know? im scared of my future.. because... well.. i dont know.. i dont know why am i even alive. i asked my ma.. she gave me a really deep answer that im not sure whether i can believe.. i mean.. she keeps saying to herself , and i overhear, why issit wicked people have 4 kids and can manage, why is my kid so difficult...

i asked her bout that.. she said i'd always been difficult.. from my birth till now.. well.. what was i born for.. i mean.. if all i can do is bring people pain, then why am i alive? .... i dont deserve my life.. i mean.. my ma taught me so much.. but.. i cant seem to repay her.. well, not now at least...

i cant even take care of my life, how to take care of others...

... and if i dwell in these thoughts.. i'll just start emoing again... im gonna get out while i still can... i meant what i said, how many months ago.. i dont ever wanna be away from God ever again... because if i am, i'll lean on myself.. i'll do what i think is right... and my judgement is almost always wrong.. thing is, i cant cope on my own.. tried, failed. failed miserably...

maybe thats why i cant stand people mocking my religion... its like mocking me.. its like.. no, it IS mocking my God.. and.. i cant forget that..

then again.. i feel so away from God..
not for long i hope :)

what to do..
seriously feel like puking.. stummuch ache until wanna die oso cannot die..
haiya..
at least have panadol...
and as usual, they won care 1..
haiya
cny is like 1 big act in front of ... haiz
.. nevermind
anyway
at least could download maple on dis comp
bad thing, is that the patcher cannot load..

i have seriously nth to do 1

haiya. today is so not a god day...
head dam pain, for one thing..
woke up at 6+
been online till now..

thought would have to go amah house
in the end.. not that early
what the heck did i wake up for sia
feel like puking... =.=


haiz..... i dont know why everytime now, i always feel like.. i dont know lah.. like wan die oso cannot die na ge gan jue..

i really really dont wanna see deir faces... go there...i mean, i know in their eyes, im nothing... im not even purely chinese, am i like a mongrel to them? someone who belongs neither here nor there... some1 who isnt important .. some1 who just... well.. i dont know.. i hate my family. im not impt on my mother's side, neither am i on my fathers side.. i miss my grandfather, but hes dead... i miss my ma, but she has more impt things to worry about. i miss the past, but the past was all a lie.

seems like everything was a lie.. everything was done for a motive.. theres no such thing as unconditional in their vocabulary. i mean.. come on. issit fair that because im never gonna carry the family name, even if i was a boy, i'd not be loved as much as that some1 who can? theres only 1 person who can... and i cant curse him.. no matter how much i want to.... haiz.. why issit so hard to stay mature in my thinking.. why issit so hard to say no to everything i wanna do.. why do i have to accept things that happen to me, and not get back... if i get back i'll just get another scolding, wont i. im the oldest after all. im the least impt after all... whack their face lah.

now have to go there. oh, how much i wanna scream NO!! I DON wANNA SEE YOUUU I HATE YOU< I WANNA SEE YOU BURN IN THE DEPTHS OF HELL.... and i cant curse them... im not supposed to curse them.. love your enemies.. issit always this hard? im so not looking forward to seeing their ugly faces..

looking at shit is better then looking at them, man.. its so unfair. the wicked get everything. haha. as if im v. good like that. but seems like im getting battered up emotionally because of it, while nth happens to them.. they just live happy, carefree lives. maybe because i cant let go. they have nth to let go of. they have the advantage.. im just another outkast..

I HATE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
haiya.. sigh..
what can i do?

time and time again i have to remind myself to stay strong despite the circumstances.. but seems like everytime i remind myself, i just wanna cry out... i cant be like that forever, i cant just let things pass me by.. it hurts.. i cant ignore it.. yet if i face it it will be worse? i dont know... but i guess i've been holding inside these feelings for so long.. i dont know how to let them out.. and if i do, no1 is there to comfort me... issit because i dont trust anyone enough to let them in? fear of getting hurt again and again? ... i feel so battered.. where can i go to find peace , where can i go to find rest.. the place i thought i could go to.. now seems so far away.. seems like it dosent matter.. but have no other choice.. where else can i turn



on the outside, how would anyone know, how would anyone be aware of it.. it dosent matter.. everyone has problems.. i just dont know how to deal with mine

wahh... slept for like.
15 hours..
wit 5 , 10 mins interval X]
tired..
....
im wanna die now..
hair is a mess
everything is a mess
i hate cny...

wan die oso cannot die...........
wan type properly oso cannot.. do anything immediately die.........................................
cannot embarass myself, cannot be myself.. i dont know what is worse..
its like i alone is this...
torture..

lol. dey dont dare to admit, when i do things nicer then them 1. like sore loser. i'll never forget sia. asssholes..... think dey really that great 1... haiya long story... if i do anything right, i'll not even be noticed 1

ah gong oso wont care. only have eyes for deir side.. why? long story... simple, dey wont like me because im mother's side.. i change or what i get no like... encouragement.. no its not a good word, i dont get any like... aknowledgement 1....

its like im invisible.. grows to get used to it.. im nt impt 1..
in their eyes, im better off dead....

life is unfair sia..
i wanna stab them... like deir so great
my ass sia
...

im in the worst possible place,
wit the worst possible ppl. its torture.
like hell or what
i HATE cny sia
if it werent for the ang pao
....
zzzz
hate my dam family
so sucky....

should have known the favouritism would be this bad..
like hell
effing hell
wan type seriously oso cannot
wahlao
dono what else to do sia
....stupid family. ask dem all die. grrrrr
angry angry angry angry angry angry
if only i can take a knife and stab their throats and watch their black blood ooze out
that will finally make me happy :)

im in the worst possible place,
wit the worst possible ppl. its torture.
like hell or what
i HATE cny sia
if it werent for the ang pao
....
zzzz
hate my dam family
so sucky
....

i can never forget, yet will i ever remember
sometimes i guess certain things happen, and i will never know why.
i'll never understand myself..no matter how hard i try to grasp the things that made me turn out this way, i cant remember them.. maybe because it wasnt my past.. i'll never understand anything... how? i've been taught everything happens for a reason... im trying to find that reason, and yet i keep losing it... theres that emptiness.. that.. i dono how to explain.. its.. some void in my collection of memories.. one great big Blank.. issit because of that i became this way? dont know! i dont remember! .... somehow i just dont feel like i can connect to anyone else this way... its like.. haiz..

well.. if i keep saying i Dont remember, i DONT understand.. i DONT wanna... how many times am i gonna say

i'd rather dream of anything else!!
it reminds me too much of the past..this dream..

WHY COULDNT IT BE THE BANANA MONSTER OF OCTOPUS MONSTERRR>..
at least dey don affect me directly.. T.T" jiuming!!!
i cant remember the last time i had a dream that wasnt a nightmare..
no matter how dumb the banana monster or octopus monster sounds, they were night mares.. i woke up afraid.. now im dam scared of my eye.. im dam scared i lose it.. wont forget that feeling.. its like.. it fell through my mouth leh... wahlao.. den i walked to my ma.. she was on the phone.. den i spit it out... she helped me immediately... but scary thing is that i could still see through that eye socket... blur images...
T.T"
i remember everything exactly lah!!!!
...
i dont wanna be tormented in my dreams! im tormented ENOUGH in real life to say i DONT want this!
now my eye v. itchy...
i dono how.. but could force myself to wake up... did i know i was dreaming?
its scary.. i don wanna sleep le.. i just wana stay at home and die..............is death this scary? if it is.. i don wanna die le. im gonna treasure my life like SHIT....nth will make me die!!! im scared..

im scared im SCARED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

im scared.. im scared. im scared...

just wokeup.. from some stupid nightmare....
its so realisitic...'
i lost my eye.. T.T"

i dono lah.. i was on the way to lesson in my ma's new car.. den.. i dono lah... i remember not being able to decide on what to buy at sweet talk... den... i dono.. i put some contact wit funny funny texture in my left eye... den the thing..became.. loose.. my eye ball became loose!!!!!! became cockeyed! its like if i pulled the eye lid in my dream.. it wasnt connected into my eye anymore.. i saw behind the eye... T.T" im scared... im scared im scared im scared!!!!!1
i dont wanta remember anymore!!!

i dono!
im scared!!!
..
T.T"
its like.. i dono how lah! i bit my eye! my teeth ended up at the back of the eye ball blood vessel den my eye fell out half broken through my mouth!!! IM SCARED!!!!!


i was really scared it was really..forced myself to wake up...
im awake now..
im scared im scared im scared.. its like.. 3am..
i dont like sleeping anymore..
i dont wanna dream anymore
i dont wan i don wan i don wan
i dont wan i dont want i DONT WANT!?!!!!!!!
im scared!!! T.T"

THANK GOD ITS JUST A DREAM!
...
T.T"

i don dare to go back to sleep now.. dis is why minority report scared me until dam jialat.. its almost the exact same thing.. im scared.. im scared im scared im scared

"If you get there before I do
Don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be

But I'm not gonna let you down
Darling wait and see
And between now and then Til I see you again
I'll be loving you
Love, Me."

So I say a little prayer
And hope my dreams will take me there
Where the skies are blue, to see you once again... my love.
All the seas from coast to coast
To find the place I Love The Most
Where the fields are green, to see you once again...

flipsyde.. happy birthday..
Please accept my apologies, wonder what would have been
would you have been a little angel? or an angel of sin?
tom-boy running around, hanging with all the guys?
or a little tough boy with beautiful brown eyes?
paid for the murder befor they had determined the sex
choosing our life over your life meant your death
and you never got a chance to even open your eyes
sometimes I wonder as a fetus if you fought for your life?

Would you have been a little genius, in love with math?
Would you have played in your school clothes and made me mad?
would you have been a little rapper like your poppa the piper?
would you have made me quit smoking by finding one of my lighters?
I wonder about your skintone and shape of your nose
and the way you would have laughed and talked fast or slow
I think about it every year, so I picked up a pen
Happy birthday, I love you whoever you would have been

Happy birthday
What I thought was a dream
make a wishwas as real as it seemed
I made a mistake

I got a million excuses, as to why you died
and other people got their own reasons for homocide
who's to say it would have worked
and who's to say it wouldn't have
I was young and struggling, but old enough to be a dad
the fear of being my father has never disappeared
I ponder it frequently while I'm sipping on my beer
my vision of a family was artificial and fake
so when it came time to create I made a mistake
now you got a little brother, maybe it's really you
maybe you really forgave us knowing we was confused
maybe, every time that he smiles
it's you proudly knowing that your father is doing the right thing now
I never tell a woman what to do with her body
but if she don't love children then we can't party
I think about it every year so I picked up a pen
Happy birthday, I love you whoever you would have been

i can never forget...and i'll never remember..
i can NEVER FORGET AND I'LL NEVER REMEMBER!
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW FRUSTRATING THAT IS

LOLLLL O.O
got the thingy out of my eye :0
its like.. 2 cm long leh. that strand. stuck to the side. how did i remove it? ... so dumb. it was sticking out. so i pulled :) .... den its like.. felt something sliding past my eye lah. so er xin... anw, PTL! its gone! i was so worried it go to the back of my eye lah... rem zzz dat time i scared it scratch my eye. =.= zzz

anyway, today followed ma driving :) she just passed her driving test.. so me and pa go for a drive.. i think so pa go pressurise her lor! haha! TURN LEFT TURN RIGHT DONT SIT SO CLOSE THE WHEEL HIGH BEAM LOW BEAM haha!!!

went to seletar.. see the old rented house my parents used to live in. 600 a mth. it looks more like a chalet then a house leh.. i mean.. ULU..______....

hahaha
PTL! things arent that bad after alll..

all my life..
i just want to know for sure things will be okay?
i want to know my future is in good hands.. i want to know everythings gonna be alright.. but things are never alright.. things will never stay alright.. and i worry.. i worry and worry and worry.. its something i cant live without.. how to not worry..

im afraid of the worst possible scenario... i dont want anything bad to happen to the people close in my heart.. i love them like i love myself.. like i love God.. and if anything ever happens to them, i dont know what i'd do.. but i cant ask them to remain unprotected their whole lives.. they have their own life to live, as do i..

oh ya. theres a hair strand stuck in my eye, from yesterday till now, that i somehow cant take out, but thats unrelated to the point... anyway, im worried.. because it went to the back of my eye i think...HOW TO TAKE OUT! ... cried just because of fear just now.. if i go blind den i'll die lor. what to do. i dont wanna die....

if i die.. well.. calvin said yesterday.. if you sit down and think about it.. theres way more reasons to live then to die... or something like that. well.. i have time.. for the 1st time in a while, i have time for myself.. so i can think..

what reasons do i have to live..
my ma loves me.. i love her.. i dont wan her to be sad that im not there anymore.. her life is already bad enough.. but seems like im just being a burden to her.. she has so much problems already.. me being like this is just making things worse for her.. i cannot imagine my life without her.. she taught me so much.. she taught me how to love.. she taught me.. to sacrifice.. she taught me.. right and wrong... its just so complicated.. if we die together, i'll be ok wit that. den i dont have to worry about what she is gonna do when i die..

haiz.. but.. i dont want to live.. i really really dont see it worth it.. the thing i want more than anything is.. well.. to love and to feel loved in return.. not just intimate love.. but.. friendships that last.. family... my uncle aunty like hell lah.. i hate them man.. cousins.. just irritating.. ah gong amah.. i love them.. but i cant forgive them... pa.. i cant forgive him either..

i cant even begin to imagine what torture it must have been for her... the least i can do is not be a burden.. is that enough reason to stay alive? if not i dont wanna go on.. if shes gone i really dont wanna go on. no point. ... hope shes okay.

i dont get why its unfair.. yet how can i help..

my life is merely a continuation?
is there such a word?
haha..

i dont want her to suffer anymore..
its love i can never understand.. that willingly, can suffer in some1 else's place..
no, its not fair.. whole life may seem worthless.. but how to change all that.. every family has problems.. theres no such thing as a happy home.. but we can try to get as close to happiness as possible :)

somethings i just dont understand, i can never understand.. i wish her life wouldnt be so sad.. i pray she dosent feel lonely anymore.. i pray for protection.. who am i that i should be a burden.. i dont want to remain a burden..

some1 heal her wounds.. they remain fresh..

haha.. i owe you again.
shit man, i cant keep on oweing you lah! ...
hahas.
but thanks..

these 3 ppl..
Robin, Kim Weng, Calvin..

thanks, robin.. sorry i shouted at you. was talking to Kim Weng, he said,


Kin Weng says:
1 to 10
*eLiZ* the Best reason to live is because GOD gave you your life. But what if i dont want it says:
1 being feeling worst?
*eLiZ* the Best reason to live is because GOD gave you your life. But what if i dont want it says:
4
Kin Weng says:
alright
Kin Weng says:
*eLiZ* the Best reason to live is because GOD gave you your life. But what if i dont want it says:
yeah.. im ok lah.. i mean.. if you asked me 2 hours ago i'd have said 2.. so..
Kin Weng says:
wow
Kin Weng says:
how did you go from 2 to 4 in just 2 hours?
*eLiZ* the Best reason to live is because GOD gave you your life. But what if i dont want it says:
haha
*eLiZ* the Best reason to live is because GOD gave you your life. But what if i dont want it says:
cried
*eLiZ* the Best reason to live is because GOD gave you your life. But what if i dont want it says:
talked to some idiot
*eLiZ* the Best reason to live is because GOD gave you your life. But what if i dont want it says:
comforted me
*eLiZ* the Best reason to live is because GOD gave you your life. But what if i dont want it says:
Kin Weng says:
haha
Kin Weng says:
not bad
*eLiZ* the Best reason to live is because GOD gave you your life. But what if i dont want it says:
hhahas
Kin Weng says:
what did he (i assume) do to comfort u?
*eLiZ* the Best reason to live is because GOD gave you your life. But what if i dont want it says:
he ah? O.O
*eLiZ* the Best reason to live is because GOD gave you your life. But what if i dont want it says:
idk leh. issit a he or a she
Kin Weng says:
huh???
Kin Weng says:
haha
*eLiZ* the Best reason to live is because GOD gave you your life. But what if i dont want it says:
just called me.. i kinda shouted at him..... den.. he tried cheering me up..
Kin Weng says:
he JUST called?
Kin Weng says:
hahaha
Kin Weng says:
and you SHOUTED at him?
Kin Weng says:
cool

haha. thanks, robin.. for being there for me.. sorry i shouted at you.. sorry im always like this, always having mood swings, always being emotional. i dont know why i am. as far as i can remember, i've always been. well.. i think i am anyway :) thanks for spending 54:42 mins talking to me.. whats more, prepaid card... i feel really bad.. haha. sorry. really, sorry... but... appreciate it alot. :)

calvin.. youre words are .. always make me think 1.. thanks, teacher.. ...
"if u sit down and really think abt it .. there is way more reasons to live ... its outnumbers the reason not to. there is a difference between throwing away rubbish and sweeping them under the carpet dun know abt u .. but i prefer to throw away rubbish ...so i hope u r able to look at ur past and say to it .. its the past .. i have dealt with it .... i have let it go ..it not under the carpet :) .." yeah.. one day..
im gonna sit down and think.. about that...

kim weng.. haha.. kimberly :) idk lah. its easy to confide in you some stuff. thanks alot for your guidance. cher. haha ... thanks that you and calvin always ask me whats wrg 1.. i mean.. cher.. i dono lah. youre like my role model 1... :)

thanks..
today was a better day then i ever expected it to be

notes from calvin.. "The best reason to live is because God gave your life"

what if i dont want to live.. what if i don wanna accept the fact that he gave me my life. its not worth it anymore.. i don wanna carry on... theres nothing waiting for me at the end, merely an abyss..

i dont understand..
i can never understand.

i know im uncared for.. i know that much.. im Not important.... nothing about me is important.. and if im just shunning everyone away, then how do i Not shun everyone awy...
so be it..
i dont know what to do anymore..

just take my life... any method oso can.. die die die.. i don wanna live..
i just dont understand..
why do i always face things like this..
why issit always aimed at me
why am i the one that has to go through this
valerie said
"youre like a slave to everyone"
what does everyone fucking want from me!

am i? i dont know..
i have a mind of my own..
i just apparently dont use it very much.

i don wanna go on..
its not worth it..
whatever hell my life ends up in,
it'll be better than this..

what the fuck is going on...




im tired of pretending things are okay, when they are not.. im tired of always being on my own, facing things on my own, im tired of expecting so much and having hopes crushed, leaving me broken.. i can never seem to cry it out.. im tired of trying to do the right thing, when i dont want to.. i dont ever want to.. i wanna scream, i wanna cry.. and yet who can i cry to.. the frustration is killing me..

no words can explain...

its been a really harsh sunday and monday..
i mean.. ok.

SUNDAY
...
woke up early morning 8++ to meet valerie and isma at tiong, at 9... but thing is, i woke up late.. so i thought i would be late. was at redhill at 9.20. valerie called me, and i realised they were late too.. dey were on the same train as me. only janice was at macs.. .... well... ok. after that... went for lesson.. we were early, compared to garrick dat group.. his like showed up dono how late :P haha.. he came outside telling me "my group haven come yet!" ... funny. after we practised starlight and Sos, the instructor called us to tell us, that the 2nd song we decided to play, i don wanna miss a thing, is outside the z2h learning curve, aka, its impossible to be able to play in a mere four months.. in the case of the new guitarists, 2 months...

its really a big jump... and i don get why wanna overachieve like that.. but.. yeah.. den i was told that there would be lesson at 4-6.. i mean.. 10-11, 4-6... i wasnt previously informed... was told that some1 smsed me, i checked all my smses.. don have.. maybe my hp got problem or what.. but i never received it... checked all the way from last sunday till now. malu. O.O

den after lesson.. went downstairs.. while waiting for valerie, dey were planning a day to practise... eunice and sze wai said friday wld be a good day.. but i cant on friday. cell group.. den.. well... ppl started saying.. "why your religion always move day 1.. youre really into your religion, you know.. ..." and some other stuff i don wanna post.

well, yeah. i know. i have my reasons for being "into my religion.." .... but i was pissed off.. because i know im not doing a good job of following his word, but.. i was pissed off... so i walked off. .. . i mean.. de rest intended to stay there.. or till 2 at least. i din wanna waste my time. so i went home, brought my homework, and den went back... reached at abt 12.50? 5 mins later, before i could actually get any work done, valerie came out and said lets go. supposed to meet hilda at 1.30. it was raining, not only in my mood.

so we walked in the rain... i was already really pissed off... on the bus ride home just now, i was telling myself i cannot stay mad for long.. i mean.. im oso in the wrong.. its my prioritising.. i guess.. i don intend to miss cg or church, nor do i intend to miss practise... but if dey clash, my band is gonna know where my priorities are. not wit dem. if im free den ok lah.!!! .... ... haiz... what to do... walk walk..

because we intended to go shopping.. cny mah.. no new clothes yet.. hilda backed out, because only have time to shop for 1 hour. i don blame her. i mean, 1 hour might as well don bother going lah. can buy what. =.= den went to taka, wisma... far east.. all walk in the rain, dragging the umbrella we borrowed from the office... malu malu... =.= oh well. den we somehow idk whether wassit a misunderstanding or what, but we cancelled practise.. den after that.. had to go back wit valerie... get her bag... cuz she left it there... den after that she went home, i went cityhall meet him..

forgot what happen le.. oh ya. met his fren. haha. hello :) hmmmn... den after that... i guess.. well. i owe him alot lah.. he.. went out of his way to just send me home.. den som more let me confide in him my problems... so yeah...i owe him.. i mean.. haiz.. i dono lah..

but.. idk.. the feelings.. of hurt.. is still stuck wit me till now.. its been 24 hours.. i feel no better..

ok NOW.
audrey just left..
idk lah. thanks for coming, idk for how, but thanks anyway ..

thing is, i can never shout out just how i feel.
i just wanna whack some1. theres no1 i can vent out my anger to.
im gona end up crying at the end anyway. thats always the ending, huh.
crying because i have NO IDEA what to do.. no Idea who to turn to, no1 for me to turn to. i don wana face anyone anymore. the anger is really boiling up inside le. if i see some1, and dat some1 pisses me off, i don wanna vent it all out at that bastard.. all 14 years worth of holding back.

thing is, i feel no better.

...

i guess... that the best thing i can possibly do.. is live everyday like its my last.. i mean, i'll never know when my times up. hopefully sooner. den i dont have to face everything and everyone any longer.

if not... i'll just emo every single day. i feel really emo now. i wanna feel happy oso cannot. not without kang.

kang is like my medicine lor. everytime im emoing.. she don care the situation, no matter how many ppl are watching, we will just do stupid things together.. and it really makes me happier then i could ever be.... its like :D
hhaha
i never regret going anywhere wit her. shes the best friend one could ever ask for.
love you, kangie...

haha
1, 2, 3 SET!
1, 2, 3, CHEEZ!
1, 2, 3, i don wanna write the last 1 :P hahahaha!!!

what the heck man,
my spritual life is never gonna go further than this level
if i keep going on in this zig zag pattern...
i mean.. well, everytime im on the verge of having a spritual breakthrough,
it seems that the devil comes and tackels me.. with
situations, people...
feelings... hatred, resentment..
... yea...

and i cannot go on like this
i feel alone again.
i dont wanna go on!
...

how..

well..
today was a great day..
i got in house suspension.
but.. well.. thank God it wasnt that bad.
i discovered something, while spending like.. 8- 2 in the library doing nth..
ok, i slept for 35 mins, studied for 2 hours 20 mins, and spent the rest in the canteen or drawing. no1 was there to talk to. oh ya.when the librarian went for lunch, i told her that i wanted to stay in the library, so she locked me in. apparently, ppl tot the librarian din know i was inside.. den dey go call the dm come lor. i kana scolding... dey oso.. haiz. feel so bad..

oh well.
im so sick of always being forgotten. im so sick of never being able to even compare.. i mean.. well.. in my life, if i named the people i trust, i dont even need two hands , 10 fingers, to count. 1 hand oso too much.

well.
i just lately feel really miserable.
who cares, huh.
people will scold me for being serious.
i am, come on. i AM.
its the way i am, what you wan me to do about it. loossen up?
... its not like im not trying to. helllo.
...
well..

today i got to find out something dat made me happy.
im not the only one who felt that way abt yeah.
...

but who am i to judge.
im not perfect, far from it. yet when i see it i cant stand it.. i wil feel like stabbing.. i will wanna hantam.

i have to live my promises, to forget the challenge. forget everything. just remember, I AM who i AM, i dont need anyone to come and kachaio my faith. its hard enough keeping my faith strong.

yet no1 cares how i feel...
who can i count on. who can i put all my faith on... i feel so bad, throwing everything to God.. its like.. he isnt my rubbish dump for my negative emotions... i mean.. i love him.. but.. i dont wanna.. haiz.. i dono lah.. i dono why i follow this religion.. i just dont let anything question my faith.. i just want to do his will.. but thing is, IM NOT!. .........


and this time, it matters..
i have to..
i want to..
Lord.. you are my strength when i am weak.
lead me not into temptation, but deliever me from evil...