notes from calvin.. "The best reason to live is because God gave your life"

what if i dont want to live.. what if i don wanna accept the fact that he gave me my life. its not worth it anymore.. i don wanna carry on... theres nothing waiting for me at the end, merely an abyss..

i dont understand..
i can never understand.

i know im uncared for.. i know that much.. im Not important.... nothing about me is important.. and if im just shunning everyone away, then how do i Not shun everyone awy...
so be it..
i dont know what to do anymore..

just take my life... any method oso can.. die die die.. i don wanna live..
i just dont understand..
why do i always face things like this..
why issit always aimed at me
why am i the one that has to go through this
valerie said
"youre like a slave to everyone"
what does everyone fucking want from me!

am i? i dont know..
i have a mind of my own..
i just apparently dont use it very much.

i don wanna go on..
its not worth it..
whatever hell my life ends up in,
it'll be better than this..

what the fuck is going on...




im tired of pretending things are okay, when they are not.. im tired of always being on my own, facing things on my own, im tired of expecting so much and having hopes crushed, leaving me broken.. i can never seem to cry it out.. im tired of trying to do the right thing, when i dont want to.. i dont ever want to.. i wanna scream, i wanna cry.. and yet who can i cry to.. the frustration is killing me..

no words can explain...