all my life..
i just want to know for sure things will be okay?
i want to know my future is in good hands.. i want to know everythings gonna be alright.. but things are never alright.. things will never stay alright.. and i worry.. i worry and worry and worry.. its something i cant live without.. how to not worry..

im afraid of the worst possible scenario... i dont want anything bad to happen to the people close in my heart.. i love them like i love myself.. like i love God.. and if anything ever happens to them, i dont know what i'd do.. but i cant ask them to remain unprotected their whole lives.. they have their own life to live, as do i..

oh ya. theres a hair strand stuck in my eye, from yesterday till now, that i somehow cant take out, but thats unrelated to the point... anyway, im worried.. because it went to the back of my eye i think...HOW TO TAKE OUT! ... cried just because of fear just now.. if i go blind den i'll die lor. what to do. i dont wanna die....

if i die.. well.. calvin said yesterday.. if you sit down and think about it.. theres way more reasons to live then to die... or something like that. well.. i have time.. for the 1st time in a while, i have time for myself.. so i can think..

what reasons do i have to live..
my ma loves me.. i love her.. i dont wan her to be sad that im not there anymore.. her life is already bad enough.. but seems like im just being a burden to her.. she has so much problems already.. me being like this is just making things worse for her.. i cannot imagine my life without her.. she taught me so much.. she taught me how to love.. she taught me.. to sacrifice.. she taught me.. right and wrong... its just so complicated.. if we die together, i'll be ok wit that. den i dont have to worry about what she is gonna do when i die..

haiz.. but.. i dont want to live.. i really really dont see it worth it.. the thing i want more than anything is.. well.. to love and to feel loved in return.. not just intimate love.. but.. friendships that last.. family... my uncle aunty like hell lah.. i hate them man.. cousins.. just irritating.. ah gong amah.. i love them.. but i cant forgive them... pa.. i cant forgive him either..

i cant even begin to imagine what torture it must have been for her... the least i can do is not be a burden.. is that enough reason to stay alive? if not i dont wanna go on.. if shes gone i really dont wanna go on. no point. ... hope shes okay.