my heart feels heavy..
i mean, literally, i feel like a weight is crushing me..
idk why..
what alwin said that day..
i dont know..
if it was any other day i'd have cried alot..
well.. im surprised.. i alwiz thought.. that people loved others with a motive behind it. like everything they do, they expect something in return.. they expect to see results, expect you to do things for them.. i dont know.. thats just what i feel.. but.. haiz.. i dont know ..

beginning to see my life from a third person's point of view..
and its living hell
i mean.. yes, i do have friends, i do have people that care for me.. but ...haiz.. i dont know.. in the past, seems like every friend i ever had took advantage of me.. because i couldnt say no.. my whole primary sch life, i found it really hard to say NO to people.. valerie said this, "youre like a slave to everyone" ... anyway, i disagree wit dat.

well.. my life seems to have lost its purpose.. i cant remember who hurt me, i cant remember how, i only know it happened. and i cant let go just yet. ... will i ever?

i've always kept things inside.. i accepted people for who they were, i didnt hate any1? but.. i was quiet, i was lonely, i didnt dare to be myself.. what was it. all i wanted was to be accepted? .. i can never be accepted..... i guess skin colour was always an issue.. well.. dosent matter.. haiz.. i hope this crushing feeling goes soon.. its.. not v. nice.

anyway, yesterday, mavarick came back :) really happy bout that.. i mean.. hes like a big brother to me.. a big brother i never had.. and.. my whole life, i guess i'll never know what having a sibling is like.

then again, i hate my life.