summarizing everything up.

seemingly, no1 notes ppl's good points, they take it as that was expected. they dont note that who did this and who did this, they only realise the bad points. why?

honestly, i dont care anymore. ok ... i was lying.. hahaaha. i will try not to care.

i mean, come on ..what the fuck does it matter, what others think of you.
i mean, true. its God whom you are trying to please, not man.
at the same time, in order to please God, we have to love him, and LOVE PEOPLE.

that means, loving the ppl who hurt you..
walao.
I HAVE FALLEN, because it pushed me down, and now i have to get back up and Love it.

how hard is that.
im not shining for God at all, man.
hate this rebellious feeling.

yuck... i feel so emptyy....
yux yux yux yux...

haiz. its not like i dont want to be there, but.. haiz.. i feel that barrier is getting stronger and stronger... half the time now, i dont know whether im just talking nonsense, or does this all make sense? .... does it make sense? does any1 bother listening to this act emo ger's ramblings? ....

who am i.
just another stitch in the tapestry.
a thorn in their side.
a pain in the ass?

who am i.
a child of God?
dosent feel like it.
i feel so away from God.
partially because im always ignored. partially because.. i dont know why

am i seeking attention?
is this what ppl do to seek attention?
haiz.
is doing this to who's benefit, actually.
im not winning.
no1 is winning.
im making myself more miserable.
just HOW is this benefitting any1.
aiyoh.

but at the same time, i cannot, well, at least at this moment, i cannot stop this feeling of low self worth, and low self esteem.
maybe no1 is judging me but myself.
i dont know
am i really fragile?
dont know.

everything everything dont know
i never have an answer.
why?



to everything!
existence, purpose, meaning,
why!
love?
why love?

God is Love, isnt he?

its because of God's love that ppl get touched and keep coming back to church.
everybody is always talking about God's Love.

i dont want to be away from God any longer...
but how do i stop straying?
oh shepherd. come and find me? im a lost cause, a mere shadow of what i was.. but oh God.. i need you? if no1 else, you..

if im not wanted there, what more can i do? there is no where i can run, no refuge i can seek but you. only you, Father. God, you above all, you see my misery, you see what im facing, you see my feelings, you konw me better than i know myself.

you know how i feel, i dont have to blog it out.
yes.
know what?
i talk to God better when im blogging it out.
dont know why.
haiz

is this being attention seeking too?
oh Lord.
gimme an answer..
how can i trust...
one day, obviously i want to.
but..
its so hard...
oh Lord...
help me trust...
help me trust him
help me trust her..

i dont know who to listen to...
both sides of the story..
im listening to my own heart now,
but how much can that tell me?
its one sided, my heart, and it will not listen to reason...
but i want to listen to reason
im afraid of getting hurt again..
i dont know
do i love?
do i dare to love... ?
do i dare to say i love you?

just what is going on?
i dont know anymore...

i feel so safe,
so assured,
so relaxed,
so loved,
when im wit him.

its a nice feeling.
at the same time
so many factors..
feelings, age, appearance, emotions, lifestyle...
how many more..
its seemingly impossible

...
i asked you, God, for that setting.
if that setting, if this is how this setting was supposed to be, let the stars come out.. father.. and the clouds parted.. father, 5 stars were visible.. it was a cloudy night.. oh father, at the end, 13 stars came.. father..

how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how
im so lost.
follow their expectations?
follow my heart?
follow your will?
what is your will??


i dont know half the time, what am i posting.
im just blogging out what i feel like typing.
finger itchy.
what to do?
aiyoh.

yea
the better thing,
make it, this post, as long as possible
that way,
no1 will bother to read
once they see the length.
should i make this post the longest i ever posted?

i think the longest is 1720 words.
im only at 795 words now .

can you believe that?



alright.
i'll exceed 1720 words tonight.


dont know who will bother reading this, seriously..
i mean, its freaking long...
and im repeating myself..
aiyoh..
haiz..

haiz haiz haiz.. zzz

how am i gonna write a thousand more words?

alright.
recalling from the beginning..
that phone call?
then what
smsing?
dont know..
oh ya
hahas
the tcc
....
cant remember whether that was before or after angeline and angela's bdae...
hmmmmn
anyway,
it was one of the best days of my life.
thanks.

ahhahas..
after that?
things are a blur
wassit the teping!??!?!
i only remember being really sleepy, and not being able to recall anything
aiyoh.
what after that?
canot remember...
lecture
kana dono how many times
aiyoh
i cant even recall
what happened
its different from last time
aiyoh.

issit natural?
issit forced?
i feel so dumb man...

haiz..
last time....
aiyoh.
heart pain until she bu de liao.
can die lah
wonder how i tahaned it.
haiyoh.
anyway.
this time..

aiyoh..
what to do what to do..
OH SHIT
WHY AM I POSTING THIS!
EHHHHH

change topic change topic
change topic..
walao!!
my hand itchy until write this
...
*shit*
eiiyohhhh
eiyoh
eioyh
eioyh
eiyoh

hhh
hh
zzzz
AHHHHHHHHHHHH

okay
different topic.



aiyoh..
lazy post.
things have gone so far, that i dont remember what happened.
hahaha

wassit natural?
wassit forced?
dont konw
still.
aiyoh
i passed 1000 words liao
haiz
dont feel like going on.
i'll stop here.
sayonara.