i really donno what to post anymore..
i am still hungry for God :)
thank God for that.
and yet..
why issit i feel so..
outsider..
im not a part of them, dat much i know...
i cant remember what he said, but when he said it, my doubts were confirmed.
i am not a part of them.
i doubt i'd ever be,
and.. i dont care dat dey will read this or not.
its true.
i mean.. yeah...
how?
die alone..

how can i. how can i be a part of them, its like im from a whole seperate world. can tell.. dat dey dont like me the way i am.. the noisy at wrong time.. yeah. im aware.. and.. i'd alwiz feel compared, i'd always feel judged... posting this wont change things, will it? no.. well yeah. it will make things worse. yea. i do not belong there. where do i belong. in the house of God? what a joke. if i do, where are my neighbours.. so few ppl i regard as true friends, i cant mix ard wit the whole cg, and what, is dat my wrong? yeah.. haiya.

what can i say.. im mixed blood, so i have more things to worry about? no right? ... then why did she tell me i do. she said.. the day will come, where chinese will have their own group, indians theirs, malays, and others... and where will i go.. in that small group dat the mixed ppl are.... idk why she said that. but.. i never forgot it, and i never will. not once, not ever. i know from young dat i AM different.. i know from young dat i CANNOT trust ppl..because dey are Bound to let you down eventually. expectations are destroyed... hopes are lost... everything is GONE!

and yet.. in the house of God.. i feel a peace, i feel a happiness that words cant explain.. i wanna share it with ppl i do actually care alot about, but dey keep on rejecting me.. and.. how much will it be a burden, that they wont get saved if i do nothing.. and yet, when i do something, dey tell me to stop... i felt so discouraged.. its like.. i felt like i did nothing for them.. im blessed to be a blessing, arent i? why am i just taking and not giving... how can i give? invite them to follow me down for service after band prac?

haiz.... .how.. how do i change what i have no control over.. cant... ... oh well... right now my main GOAL is to forgive, and forget.. i dont wanna follow pastor tan, i dont want to remember. but i'll never trust them again... never never never. learn from dat mistake. dont expect too much. haiya. i miss alvina.. i miss jiaying.. i miss wendy. i miss beeleng.. i miss mavarick, i miss pb... all the role models i look up to.. all those whos sprituality i cannot even begin to imagine.. i cant believe how experienced they sound.. its so awesome.. they know the promises, they act out the word.. and they have that confidence.. i admire it so much..

what is having a heart after God? ... putting him 1st in everything? ... pastor tan preached.. if you dont put in the big rocks in your life, they will never fit in afterward.. the rocks are the impt things to you, arent they.. god has to be the biggest rock? oh.. he is my rock and my salvation, and i will lift up my hands and praise him.. forever and ever i will worship, i wont stray.. no matter how hard things seem.. i will know where my future lies, i will know its in Good hands... and nothing, NOTHING will ever make me doubt my faith again. its not a thing thats strong ONCE and forgotten Later. its not like a candle, that burns for awhile.. its like.. its like.. .. cant find any analogy. HECK! IT'LL LAST FOREVER AND EVER! ...

i wanna have a heart after you.. i wanna have faith, i believe, help my unbelief.. i wanna feel you so bad!!!! cant wait for tomorrow! SERVICE!!!!!!!!! ...

im thinking how am i gonna reach there by 12.. i dont want to ever miss praise again. its torture.hmmm.. how.. cab down is .. 12.60.. eugene still owe me 1.30 X]

sian sian..
so ex...
walao..
i dont wan own self cab.. then again.. who to cab down with me..
dots..


k
i'll stop here.
sayonara X]
ja mata ne