what horror it was
the past the present
the future

and now i have to stand strong
against it all
ive let it go on for too long
how do i breakaway from all that bondage
how..

there has to be
one day
dat im just gonna sit down
and think about it
and open up my mind, jot it down somewhere
try to figure out what ive forgotten..
last time, when i was asked about it..
i told him.. dat i cant remember what happened
i juts remember it was horrible.
and idk why..

is this the day?
i cant even remember why.. its so long ago, and everything was seemingly so innocent..
it was like childs play.. and yet.. what is it, generational?
is it because of some1 else's past dat i turned out this way?
impossible.. how do i not dwell in it. puting my focus on something else?
ive done that for so long.
i dont want to dwell in self pity,
i dont intend to..
and yet.. i dont know the person i am pitying..
i dont even know who i am...
and i wanna let it all go, all the hurts all the frustration..
of not knowing who i am...
i wanna let go, of trying to prove my worth... i mean.. im worth something in God, i am a child of God, and that is the thing dat keeps me going on despite me not wanting to..
i have to kik myself everytime i wanna say a vulgarity, or anytime i have feelings of giving up..
or have feelings of rejection..
but positive thinking only can go this far.
i need some1 else to help me, to guide me along, to help me.. to be concerned...
and i know that ppl are, but..
i cant seem to trust them with anything that is going through my head..
im self reflective, and yet im looking in the mirror and not knowing what is it im seeing.. and i dont have that confidence that i should be having.. i mean... haiz..

ive been relying on God's grace for so much.. without him, i wouldnt even be.. i probably would have committed suicide by now.. and yet.. haiz... i feel so lost .. you know?

the song is playing,
"you are my freedom, Jesus youre the reason..."

and yes, he is my reason. he is my reason to carry on, despite not knowing where im gonna end up.. because i dont have anything to lose. well..do i?
yes.. i do.. but the things i will gain outnumbers the things i have lost 30 fold 60 fold, a hundred fold.. and by faith i will gain it! i dont want to stay here, im not going to stay stagnant my whole life. how can i just stand by and see my life fly past..

ive asked God countless times, oh.. if only he would kill me and end all of this.. but how can that be. how can i be such a coward.. things are not as simple as they seem.. are they? ... on the outside.. i look like such a ... i look like a fun loving creature, like.. i dont know.. i mean, i do nonsensical things.. and.. haiz.. i like making ppl happy.. i like solving people's problems.. i like to be their helper when they dont know where to run to, i like giving them direction when they are lost.. but how can i do that when i dont even know how to solve my own problems...

"Hypocrite, first remove the log in your eye before you help your neighbour remove the speck of dust in his eye" matthew or mark something.
forgot the verse number.
and yet, i will never in my life forget this verse.

it refers to me so much. and yet people say, do not wait for perfect circumstances, because they will never come.. oh Lord deliever me.. i want to just shout everything out.. breakaway from all this. i will never miss delieverence service. i need it so bad! i mean.. every time the prescence is so strong, i want to just scream and let everything go, and close the door that it NEVER comes back..

outwardly, i may seem unafraid of certain things.. i may seem like rock, hard and strong.... in reality.. its like.. i feel so vulnerable.. i mean.. haiz.. thats just my thoughts.. i can.. cry at any small thing..

haha.
this is an emotional personality?
i dont know...
until i know things for sure i cannot judge...
oh well.
i dont know what to post...
one day i'd breakdown..
then whoever is there would know the pain i went through,
the pain that i dont even remember
why do i not remember..
its like the one thing i can never solve..
haiz..

"now all i know,
your forgivness and embrace..

worthy is the Lamb,
seated on the throne,
crown you now with many crowns
you reign victorious,

High and lifed up,
Jesus son of God,
the darling of Heaven crucified,
worthy is the Lamb.."