so many things are running through my head and i apparently dont feel like blogging.

or maybe i should. i really have nothing else to do.

hello.
my name is eliz.
im not the girl many ppl think that i am.
under those smiles, under all that laughter..
i dont even know who i am.
ive said this before, im like a reflection of what every1 wants me to be
and ive done so much of being that reflection, i dont even know who i am anymore..
i hate this, being average at everything and not being exceptionally good at something.
maybe its feeling lack of self worth. i always feel inferior to every1.
i dont know why!
issit my race?
im like rojak! neither here nor there. and it sucks.
other ppl call it "UNIQUE"
tell you, my ass lah.
its different.
i knew from young that i can never fit in with the crowd because of my race.
is that why im different? i mean. i DONT fit in with the crowd.
and at times i actually like it.
and at times it makes me really sad.
sad that i'll never, no matter what i do, i mean.. i cant change who i am.
im mixed blood, many ppl are. but.. haiz.. idk lah.

maybe i SHOULD just do something, expertise at something, be Better at others at SOMETHING, and then i'll feel that im worth something. because now, i feel like dead weight.
i mean, think about it.

if i die, who will miss me? have i done anything that ppl will remember me for?
i want to be remembered. i dont want to just live for the sake of living.

im different. i know that much. and im a CHILD OF GOD. i want to fit in, and at the same time, be unique. is that possible?

why.. why do i always feel inferior... i cant really let go of the past.. and it sucks... haiz..

i dont want to be the problem in others lives, i dont want to add to their problems... what do i live for?

haiz..
if theres just one life that i can change, i'll thank God for that with everything. i'll thank God, that ... that at least i can save somebody. at least i made a difference. it may be small. but. at least i did something.

and i dont want to stop there... i havent done anything worth saying yet.. but one day i will... hopefully? i dont know. honestly i dont know. im really very confused, and my this blog post isnt making much sense. i wish i can help.

i dont want to just stand here, and watch the days go by... and see others get saved, and im staying stagnant. i dont want to stay stagnant when others arent. i Never want to stay stagnant. i never want to backslide ever again. i dont want it. im really confused. shit. but i know this much.

always do what is right.
because it it right.

i'll do my best. i have a conscience, and it guides me. i dont know about the holy sprit, or God, or anything. i love God. i dont know whether he exists or not. there isnt proof.

and its hard to believe he exists, without evidence. how do we know! .... there are so many religions, how will we know which one to follow..
all their religions, all their customs... bla bla bla... i know that we can sense God's presence, but.. how do we know who god is..

Yahweh-Yireh...
are you real?
the thing im scared of is.. that i do his will, and in the end , and i mean the end, when i die, i realise that theres no heaven and no hell. then i would have done everything for nothing. and whats worse, i would have, all my life, relied on something that is nonexistent. im afraid of getting hurt like that....

but.. yeah, i thought of that before..
i guess..
well...
God, whether he is real or not,
has done miracles, and made sad people happy. even if he does not exist, he.. he can change people for the better.

and, well i mean.. i know i shouldnt say this, but.. even he does not exist, it will profit more if i believe in him. and..well, it is comforting. he is comforting.

and, i still believe he exists. i don care how many ppl can come up to me and give me a million and 1 reasons why he is a fake. why should i listen to the world. we are in the world, but not of the world. God can do miracles. i have never seen such a powerful congreation from another race. i dont care. God exists. we are not evolved from monkeys. confusing shit. rawr/...

im thinking too much.. zzz... oh well. anyway. i'll stop here. i know that this post dosent really make sense, but its what im thinking now. i want to be a blessing, and it really is a burden to me that i have not been. on judgement day, how will i tell god? ive done nothing for you. ive been a taker, and not a giver. i dont know. i dont care. but i dont want it. i want to have a long resume, and tell him what ive done, i want .. i want his attention, his love. but i also want to see others get saved. i want them to be happy, because its not fair that i can live such a happy life when they cant.