im really so confused. feel like taking my life.
so suddenly...
haiz
i feel like a letdown. whats wrg wit me? i tot cuz i fasted today things wld be ok.
things arent ok.
why?
...
i feel so dead, feel so useless.

if i were to die now, what do i have to show for it?
did i impact any1 in their lives? did i accomplish anything? did i be the best i can be?
no.

i didnt do anything that ppl will remember me for.
am i really that bad?

YEA.


...
haiz..
cried today, slept for 3 hours. zz... as in, afternoon slept for 3 hours.
waked up to bad news.
sux.

...
feel so alone. and who cares right? as long as dey have them, who will want me. even i dont want me. can i just jump down. am i straying too far... haiz!!!!

i hate this. i cant even go back for service. i hav to go on sat. how freaking sucky is that.?! the hell la...

i hate this..
...

WHY!!!!!!!

i feel so alone. alone alone alone, lost lost lost lost dead dead dead dead dead. DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD
...
God.
why.
do i have like.. some brain problem or something.. -.-
how come i always feel this way.
can i just take my life?
should i just take my life?
22 storeys down.
what if i dont die...
maybe i should go swallow all the panadols at home.
see what happens
maybe i should run out to the road
and get hit down.
then will i be happy?

im scared.

how...
how how how...
THIS IS A CRAP POST.
ive poured so much of myself onto this damn blog. whoever just reads it will know everything they want to know abt me. issit that simple?
God.
i cant see God.
i cant feel God.
ok, i can feel God.
but i only feel God during services prayer and worship.
and...
this sun i cant make it.
does that mean im gonna dwell in despair, desperation, depression for the whole week?
... what will that make me be? will i start cutting myself again? will i sink lower and lower ..

God. life is so unfair. i want to do your will. i cant. i cant and i pray that you give me the strength to. and make my heart willing. because right now im just sitting in this comfort zone that slowly is getting less and less comfortable.

i cant be all that i want to be.
and i dont know why. maybe im not good enough? maybe im just not smart enough, maybe im weird! ... maybe.. maybe im not like the rest of my classmates that i may be considered an outcast. who knows whats the problem. God, i know you love me for who i am. i know that im your child. but so many lies are starting to blur that vision i have. what if i cant do it. time and time again. how can i try again. ive let them down. so many times ive let them down. cant do anything right. how do i just pickup myself and try again. issit really that simple! ... God... i wish i can see you face to face, with me, and... i wish i didnt feel like this anymore.
i really want to die. i feel as if im half dead and half ghost or something. feelings are numb. emotions are numb. numb to the pain, numb to the hurt, numb to the lies, numb to the truth.

im like a reflection, that reflects everything ppl want me to be. but who am i actually. have i lost my own face in that many pools of faces. where is mine! .. i dont want to in the end, go to Gods kingdom, and realise, where is my name?! ... why am i not there?! why is all my friends there but me. then i will be cast into the fire, " where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth." ... i DONT WANT TO WEEP IN THE NEXT LIFE OR WHATEVER!!! i dont want to weep now!

i want to be happy!
why am i not happy! ...
how much torture can this inflict. how much fear does it take before it starts to penetrate through. its burning me frm within... God. i cant trust, i cant love, i cant this, i cant that.

i cant trust others, that they care for me. i cant believe you love me. i cant believe others love me. i cant! .. i CANT DO THIS ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ...

God...
i hate myself.

why am i like this. i want to be a blessing. what do i have to do to be all that i want to. does this post mean anything? what can it mean. im still the same person. im still the same, nothing has changed. im still that overly emotional, perceiving, judgemental... fucker?

...
why do i feel things are getting harder since building fund.
God i want to know you.
You know i want to know you.
but thing is,
i dont know what to do now.
if i make this many mistakes, can God still forgive me? ... i feel like shit.

God, your love is unconditional.. but how do you love some1 you dont even know. how? God... am i thinking too much? i cant take this anymore!! honestly, i Cant take this anymore. im scared of what the future holds, what the past is, and what i should do in this fucking present.

JIUMING JIUMING JIUMING JIUMING JIUMING!!!!!!!!!!!

today in sch, we did our goal setting. i realised that there is that chance i will be pushed to normal, because my attitude really Sucks. but thing is, if im in normal.. i'll feel so much more intimidated then how i feel now. im so stressed out. yest some1 said that i hav white hair. i really feel so stressed out.... nid to breathe in, out, in, out

but that don solve the problem, how? ... haiz. i feel so useless. maybe i was wrong to do this in the 1st place. maybe i should have just be contented at where i was, and not tried to move forward. then i wouldnt get embarassed and i wont feel like shit nw.

GOD.... JIU MING