hahas...
was toking to Alwin... he asked me a question la, "Why did you backslide?"
it really is making me think now, why did i backslide....
i mean, i have been in church for MORE THAN A YEAR before i backslided... so.. i was thinking.. why! what is wrong with me, that i became like that...
well..
oh yea, *if you dont wana read this, plz don, and press alt f4. no1 is forcing you to. so plz dont judge me on what im about to say*
well.. the main reason i backslided, is because i felt Unloved, Unwanted, and Uncared for... yes, all the "Un-s". I Felt Unloved by both God, and Ppl... i felt... really miserable.. during that time... i compared myself to others.. and.. realised that what am i? a mere speck of dust in their eyes... well, i was Vulnerable during that time, so... i guess that Satan went and put lies into my heart. and i made the wrong descision of Believing them.. It was really dumb...
i became rebellious, and... started talking back to my ma.. i hardened my heart, more than it was before, and.. well.. i became a unlovable person. i hit things, hit ppl. Hard. not those soft soft gu niang slaps... i really HIT things... and Ppl... if you want to know how hard, just imagine this. i used my Hockey stick as a weapon. Thats how bad i became... i cut myself, and the blood would drip, drip, drip. i liked the attention i was getting, because of cutting myself. but, still, satan put lies in my heart, and said, that they only talk to you not because they love you, but because they want you to be Normal, and not cut yourself anymore, and not cause problems. and me, well... being.. well.. me.. i listened, and.. i didnt trust them. i felt really miserable, because i felt betrayed by my friends. well.. at that time, i really was angry, because they Did Not talk to me, and i was really ignored alot... i felt really alone... .. became really vulgar... every where you will see "fuck fuck fuck" ...
AND, IT WAS SCARY! i still remember, one time, during cell, i Hated it, i dont know why, but i Hated it, and.. i felt something inside me, because, during the time when they were all praying, and speaking in tongues and worshipping, i glared, with my eyes having that look like i want to kill... i felt really not myself. but i didnt know what to do about it. Beeleng came towards me, and Hit my head, and i began to become really angry, then i teared. the anger really burned inside me, i was thinking " WHAT is my problem. Why am i like this. WHAT RIGHT DOES SHE HAVE TO COME AND HIT ME. WHAT DID I DO" and after that, she told me that i had that look to kill, and she prayed for me.. when she did, i cried really.. cried alot. i sat there, knees to my face, and i was moaning. it was really bad... and, after that, Beeleng came up to me, and asked, are you alright, and she said that she felt that my tears were of genuine sorrow...
i thought, after that, some1 would talk to me, and ask whether was i alright... but it didnt happen as i expected, and again, satan lied to me, and said, WHY should Beeleng care. why will she care! why does she want me. she wants me to be normal, and not give problems. she dosent love me. no1 loves me. and again, i listened. that was the Stoopid thing, i listened!.... haiz.. so.. i was really in a big dilemma...
well.. i felt really alone... i felt wrong... i cried alot, emoed alot.. and.. well, yea.. even my room had that deathy feeling about it... when i came home everyday, the room was Hot, and Humid, and.. had a particular vibe... it didnt feel Good... it was really horrible.. i neglected my studies, and started failing.. i didnt care when i got back my report, saying i had only passed english... out of all the subjects... its really bad. whats worse, is that, still, few people talked to me. i felt so.. unwanted. it really sucks, that feeling... i was supposed to go for counselling in school, but i didnt want to open up to the counsellor, for the simple reason that i Hate counsellors, because i found them as liars then.. so, the principal said that i should see a psychiatrist... there was something seriously Wrong with me... i refused to go, because i didnt want to be considered as a psychotic case. lest, if my classmates knew, i would not get that respect.. i would be mocked.. my school life was really sucky, because i hated going for lessons, so i poned sch alot. about 20 days in a term.
i was really suicidal... i mean, i thought many times, about taking my life. i said to myself, that if i fail my overall exam, and get retained, i will take my life. although i didnt do anything, it was in my subconscious mind, so i lived as if i would die soon, i did not care about anything anymore. i had a shit attitude. i felt so dead.
well... then, yea. slowly, but surely, the lies were taking a hold of me. i stopped coming to church regularly, and i started to just do whatever i wanted to. i gave shit, and received back more shit, and blamed God. it was really Stoopid. well... i hated God, and Life. i found it meaning less... why bother living, we all will die eventually. i started questioning, whether does God exist. didnt like church anymore. i didnt want to face the people i felt hurt by.
i hated that. i hated it. really really hated it. because of a simple thing, that i felt unloved, so many problems erupted. i felt so overwhelmed in misery. it was unfair, in my eyes, that people who do so much get so little, and people who do not do anything, get it all. i hated that. i hated being who i was. i was controlled by my mood... all these things, i felt, i didnt show it much... i was still myself, but subconsciously thinking things like this. of course there were still happy times during the time i started feeling depressed.. but.. well... happiness, with ppl, only lasts so long.
anyway
i went for this thing, so you think you can sing. it was Great! during the altercall... siew and wendy asked me to go down... so i did, and.. wow. i cried .. i cant really remember what happened la, but... i felt.. normaller... i felt Good... before that, when i was in service, i would Cry to God, and ask him why was it so unfair. i would just tear, at the 1st praise song. i was low all the time in church.... and high in school...-.- hahas...
but, it was Awesome. going down for the altercall.. i felt closer to God. then, on my birthday, w387 surprised me with a bdae celebration at my house! it was amazing, because i didnt know they cared so much about me that they would do that. i was honestly, touched.
still, satan made me feel that they didnt care... or anything la.. but ... well.. i still partly believed him.. so.. well, yea... my relationship with pg, was really distant, because i didnt go playground for a really long time... and... well.. like i said, i felt betrayed.. but.. well.. i came to church services.... and...
well..
That was the 1st step i had to take
to get out of all of that.
i felt Loved again.
i felt the members' Love
i felt.. their care.
i felt... happy...
hahas...
slowly, slowly,
From the time that they showed that they actually Loved me...
i started becoming a happier person
i started to wake up
i started to become
an all round better person.
my sch frenz saw the change
they liked the new me:)
i studied. i cared about my life. i didnt burden them
i dont really know what happened, and how i changed so much
but, i went from
a DEPRESSED EMO KID
to a HAPPY, CONTENTED GIRL, as i am now...
Praise The Lord!
i cant even remember clearly what went wrong... had to really search back my memories...hahas..
so im really CHANGED!
:D
THANK GOD!
this is the longest post ive ever posted... i think...
anyway,
i thank God for the experience, even though backslided for a REALLY SHORT TIME.... i was satanic, and.. yea.. hahas... thank god, because, it made me realise how Real God is.. and.. it made me REALLY MORE SPRITUAL THEN EVER!!!
im bursting with joy..
and,
well, it just showed me, how a small problem can lead to a bigger problem, then a bigger problem.. and finally... cause so much that its hard to erase.. im still trying to solve some of the problems that happened then...
oh well... its my fault :)
i have no1 to blame, but me...
ok, i have no idea what the point i was trying to prove is, but
all i know
is that this post
to me,
is like a reminder
to always be faithful to God
and not be made vulnerable
EVER AGAIN...
.. so..
i will stop here, because im starting to confuse myself with all the memories, of past and present, and future.
but
before i go,
just want to say
DONT LET SATAN LIE TO YOU
HE IS A DESTROYER
HE AIMS TO KILL
so..
dont listen to that thing you think is true..
because its not.
:)
Praise the Lord, Now, and Forever, and may his name be Glorified Now and Always.
AMEN
was toking to Alwin... he asked me a question la, "Why did you backslide?"
it really is making me think now, why did i backslide....
i mean, i have been in church for MORE THAN A YEAR before i backslided... so.. i was thinking.. why! what is wrong with me, that i became like that...
well..
oh yea, *if you dont wana read this, plz don, and press alt f4. no1 is forcing you to. so plz dont judge me on what im about to say*
well.. the main reason i backslided, is because i felt Unloved, Unwanted, and Uncared for... yes, all the "Un-s". I Felt Unloved by both God, and Ppl... i felt... really miserable.. during that time... i compared myself to others.. and.. realised that what am i? a mere speck of dust in their eyes... well, i was Vulnerable during that time, so... i guess that Satan went and put lies into my heart. and i made the wrong descision of Believing them.. It was really dumb...
i became rebellious, and... started talking back to my ma.. i hardened my heart, more than it was before, and.. well.. i became a unlovable person. i hit things, hit ppl. Hard. not those soft soft gu niang slaps... i really HIT things... and Ppl... if you want to know how hard, just imagine this. i used my Hockey stick as a weapon. Thats how bad i became... i cut myself, and the blood would drip, drip, drip. i liked the attention i was getting, because of cutting myself. but, still, satan put lies in my heart, and said, that they only talk to you not because they love you, but because they want you to be Normal, and not cut yourself anymore, and not cause problems. and me, well... being.. well.. me.. i listened, and.. i didnt trust them. i felt really miserable, because i felt betrayed by my friends. well.. at that time, i really was angry, because they Did Not talk to me, and i was really ignored alot... i felt really alone... .. became really vulgar... every where you will see "fuck fuck fuck" ...
AND, IT WAS SCARY! i still remember, one time, during cell, i Hated it, i dont know why, but i Hated it, and.. i felt something inside me, because, during the time when they were all praying, and speaking in tongues and worshipping, i glared, with my eyes having that look like i want to kill... i felt really not myself. but i didnt know what to do about it. Beeleng came towards me, and Hit my head, and i began to become really angry, then i teared. the anger really burned inside me, i was thinking " WHAT is my problem. Why am i like this. WHAT RIGHT DOES SHE HAVE TO COME AND HIT ME. WHAT DID I DO" and after that, she told me that i had that look to kill, and she prayed for me.. when she did, i cried really.. cried alot. i sat there, knees to my face, and i was moaning. it was really bad... and, after that, Beeleng came up to me, and asked, are you alright, and she said that she felt that my tears were of genuine sorrow...
i thought, after that, some1 would talk to me, and ask whether was i alright... but it didnt happen as i expected, and again, satan lied to me, and said, WHY should Beeleng care. why will she care! why does she want me. she wants me to be normal, and not give problems. she dosent love me. no1 loves me. and again, i listened. that was the Stoopid thing, i listened!.... haiz.. so.. i was really in a big dilemma...
well.. i felt really alone... i felt wrong... i cried alot, emoed alot.. and.. well, yea.. even my room had that deathy feeling about it... when i came home everyday, the room was Hot, and Humid, and.. had a particular vibe... it didnt feel Good... it was really horrible.. i neglected my studies, and started failing.. i didnt care when i got back my report, saying i had only passed english... out of all the subjects... its really bad. whats worse, is that, still, few people talked to me. i felt so.. unwanted. it really sucks, that feeling... i was supposed to go for counselling in school, but i didnt want to open up to the counsellor, for the simple reason that i Hate counsellors, because i found them as liars then.. so, the principal said that i should see a psychiatrist... there was something seriously Wrong with me... i refused to go, because i didnt want to be considered as a psychotic case. lest, if my classmates knew, i would not get that respect.. i would be mocked.. my school life was really sucky, because i hated going for lessons, so i poned sch alot. about 20 days in a term.
i was really suicidal... i mean, i thought many times, about taking my life. i said to myself, that if i fail my overall exam, and get retained, i will take my life. although i didnt do anything, it was in my subconscious mind, so i lived as if i would die soon, i did not care about anything anymore. i had a shit attitude. i felt so dead.
well... then, yea. slowly, but surely, the lies were taking a hold of me. i stopped coming to church regularly, and i started to just do whatever i wanted to. i gave shit, and received back more shit, and blamed God. it was really Stoopid. well... i hated God, and Life. i found it meaning less... why bother living, we all will die eventually. i started questioning, whether does God exist. didnt like church anymore. i didnt want to face the people i felt hurt by.
i hated that. i hated it. really really hated it. because of a simple thing, that i felt unloved, so many problems erupted. i felt so overwhelmed in misery. it was unfair, in my eyes, that people who do so much get so little, and people who do not do anything, get it all. i hated that. i hated being who i was. i was controlled by my mood... all these things, i felt, i didnt show it much... i was still myself, but subconsciously thinking things like this. of course there were still happy times during the time i started feeling depressed.. but.. well... happiness, with ppl, only lasts so long.
anyway
i went for this thing, so you think you can sing. it was Great! during the altercall... siew and wendy asked me to go down... so i did, and.. wow. i cried .. i cant really remember what happened la, but... i felt.. normaller... i felt Good... before that, when i was in service, i would Cry to God, and ask him why was it so unfair. i would just tear, at the 1st praise song. i was low all the time in church.... and high in school...-.- hahas...
but, it was Awesome. going down for the altercall.. i felt closer to God. then, on my birthday, w387 surprised me with a bdae celebration at my house! it was amazing, because i didnt know they cared so much about me that they would do that. i was honestly, touched.
still, satan made me feel that they didnt care... or anything la.. but ... well.. i still partly believed him.. so.. well, yea... my relationship with pg, was really distant, because i didnt go playground for a really long time... and... well.. like i said, i felt betrayed.. but.. well.. i came to church services.... and...
well..
That was the 1st step i had to take
to get out of all of that.
i felt Loved again.
i felt the members' Love
i felt.. their care.
i felt... happy...
hahas...
slowly, slowly,
From the time that they showed that they actually Loved me...
i started becoming a happier person
i started to wake up
i started to become
an all round better person.
my sch frenz saw the change
they liked the new me:)
i studied. i cared about my life. i didnt burden them
i dont really know what happened, and how i changed so much
but, i went from
a DEPRESSED EMO KID
to a HAPPY, CONTENTED GIRL, as i am now...
Praise The Lord!
i cant even remember clearly what went wrong... had to really search back my memories...hahas..
so im really CHANGED!
:D
THANK GOD!
this is the longest post ive ever posted... i think...
anyway,
i thank God for the experience, even though backslided for a REALLY SHORT TIME.... i was satanic, and.. yea.. hahas... thank god, because, it made me realise how Real God is.. and.. it made me REALLY MORE SPRITUAL THEN EVER!!!
im bursting with joy..
and,
well, it just showed me, how a small problem can lead to a bigger problem, then a bigger problem.. and finally... cause so much that its hard to erase.. im still trying to solve some of the problems that happened then...
oh well... its my fault :)
i have no1 to blame, but me...
ok, i have no idea what the point i was trying to prove is, but
all i know
is that this post
to me,
is like a reminder
to always be faithful to God
and not be made vulnerable
EVER AGAIN...
.. so..
i will stop here, because im starting to confuse myself with all the memories, of past and present, and future.
but
before i go,
just want to say
DONT LET SATAN LIE TO YOU
HE IS A DESTROYER
HE AIMS TO KILL
so..
dont listen to that thing you think is true..
because its not.
:)
Praise the Lord, Now, and Forever, and may his name be Glorified Now and Always.
AMEN
posted by :] @ 1:03 AM
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