haiz..
how i wish i can be child like again..
pure.
innocent.
trusting.
obedient.
helpful.
curious.
most importantly,
LOVING.

haiz... im real scared to love... just realised tat today.. apparently, im just scared of getting hurt... by friends, family, and .. haiz.. whoever else... maybe its hw i was brought up...? ... well.. cant blame anything on that... probably was that reason... haiz.. *im apparently a very reflective person* hahas... haiz.. i wish i can let ppl in la... ... well.. one thing good about now, i no longer feel inferior to others, because of my race. i mean, i am who i am. they don like it, thats their problem. not mine. at least got past that hurdle... but theres still so many more... zzz! ah well... i hope that one day, i can repay every1 that followed me through thick and thin... hope i can love those who ignored me, forgot me, hated me... i hope i can love them, one day... because, you know what?
IM SICK OF BEING SCARED ALL THE TIME. im sick and Tired of getting hell treatment.
im sick and tired of EMOING.
-.-

its so sucky lar... -.- ... ... ... still rmb.. last time, p6, sec1.. used to cry alot for *no reason* as others saw it... always used that excuse "morning tears"hahas... arh well... i cant really remember what it was like, and thank God. Thank GOD that i cant remember alot of the BAD times, when things went wrong. otherwise... i will be a really sad person :) ... hahas...

can still remember, the 1st time i went to chc... wa... it was just because i really had Nothing else better to do... was so sian... den.. wa.. i cried almost literally, Non-Stop during the whole service... but i dont know why. it was because i felt so bad to God i guess.. either that or it was that i felt like i was betraying my ex-church haaa! or.. maybe God's presence was too strong.... :P...

i should have seen it coming la... i should have realised, that the friends i should open up to 100%, are those who don just tell any1 everything... i dont know how to explain that, but.. yea.. get my point? ... haiz... open yourself up to some1, and what if, what if that person starts ignoring you, unintenionally?.. how will you feel... haiz.. it hurts lar... haiz... really hate that...

i wish i can understand. . . understand just What is going on in deir heads.. in deir hearts... apparently, i like to giv ppl advice, but.. well, nw i can agree with this. cant give your ownself advice... maybe blogging long posts like this is actually indirectly giving myself advice.. easy lar, LOVE GOD, LOVE PPL. who knew 4 words like that could be so hard to carry out. . . HELP!!!!!

beeleng used to always check my wrist.. for the cut marks.. true, i did Not cut deep... but... well... the scars are still there lar.. -.- actually, i liked her checking my wrist... gav me a sense of..authority? i dont know.. i felt labelled. ok.. i felt in Control. like, when i used to cry always, by myself, i was in control. i don need any1 there to comfort me, i can do that by myself. well.. thats what i thought lar... because in reality, i cant. no1 can. so.. haiz.. i dont know lar... i feel alone alot of the time... only, during sunday... i feel JOY overwhelming me... overthrowing me... that saving grace, that i apparently, cant feel during my own qt, because hehe.. i lazy play guitar :P =.= ... i play hen nan ting lar... -.- hahas.... no las, i know its the presense, it don matter whether theres a guitar arnot.. but i think wit a guitar its better... hahas...

haha...
anyway,
yea...
SIMPLE MESSAGE.
LOVE GOD, LOVE PPL.
its so hard. ... ...
loving God is already so hard...
LOVING PPL THAT LOVE YOU is easy.. but they love you!... loving those who dont love you.. thats the challenge...

the narrow way. its hard. realising one day, that there is a GOD, who loves you no matter who or what you are, no matter what you have done.. no matter how many times you sinned, no matter how big or small the sin... NO1 CAN UNDERSTAND THAT KIND OF LOVE! NO1 CAN UNDERSTAND THAT KIND OF LOYALTY!... God...how i wish i can love like you can... haiz.. i wish that i can be a blessing to others. i wish i can share... how he changed my life.. *well, to do that,he has to 1st change my life :P *
hahas... he did. but, well.. its not at a stage, where its really JOY yet.. one day i hope it will be. den.. one day.. i hope i will be able to really put in the KIK and PUNCH to the devil... tell him go back to hell, and stay there. haiz.. k, this is really a long post...

yeap. i will stop here.
dont know whether i made sense or not.
but who cares :)
forever and ever.
jesus, you alone in glory reign.


OK! MAYBE I WONT!
wow.. just read some1's blog... i feel so alone man...haiz... oh well. im nt a part of them! nothing i say or do can change that i guess... well, its ok. im used to it. its OK!!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :'( :D :D :D :D :D ...... im putting on a brave front, a happy face. a smiling ELI! :D a kai xin, cheerful, happy, and ELATED ELIZABETH. in reality... arh. who cares. i dont need their pity. i AM HONESTLY SORRY. for all the things i did wrong, for all the times i didnt care. thing is, i was NOT lying. in the past... haiz... maybe i put on too many faces that i forgot which one really is my own. time to find it. like a needle in a haystack. through wads and wads of straw. i will keep on going on for miles and miles non stop. i WILL be myself. one day. maybe in the past, distant or just, maybe i was just scared, so i became a reflection of every1 else. maybe im just afraid of their reaction to me, the way i am. oh well....
hahas.....
i feel so emo...

know what? im a emotionally unstable person. know what that means? i can break down anytime. happened before. i felt really GOOD after i broke down in tears that day... it was GREAT!!!! well, because.. haha.. siew peng was there for me. so i really felt loved. loved and loved and LOVED. i cried for a really long time.... sitting in that corner, alone by myself. actually, i really like corners. you know people cant attack from the back. you see everything thats going on. hhahas... oh well... im weird. used to that. forever and ever. im opening up too much of myself on this dam blog, but who cares. very few ppl that i know will actually take the time to read this post once they see its length. that means, i can post any thing i want to! :D hahahas... i really doubt any1 will read this lar..... i mean come on. its 70% crap, 29% feelings, and 1% biblical quotes? ... diao lar... who bothers. :) ... thankyou to any1 who came this far. i appreciate you reading the WHOLE THING. because few ppl will :) ...

so i really thank you.
i may not have many friends, but those who are dear to me.. i will hold on forever. thing is, how many are dear? ... hahas... yea.. one day.. let me declare this. one day. i will emerge . i will shine for Christ, in relationships, studies, anything else! not my will, but his be done. *its really encouraging lar, that verse.* i wil try my hardest, to LOVE GOD AND LOVE PPL.

LOVE GOD LOVE PPL.
LOVE GOD LOVE PPL! AMEN!

GOD.
IS.
REAL...
im not perfect. i make mistakes, like the rest of the world. im a sinner, a backslider. but i want that chance to slide back to God. take 1 step towards him, he will take 100 steps towards you... i cant wait to run a marathon towards him. i cant wait.... haiz.. God oh God... i may not be the best person you can use. still... i wish i could be... i want to be so much more. i want to shine. i want to be that blessing. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! haiz.. jiu ming...i cant do it on my own. i cant even cope with my own problems. im hated. haiz....... help.....really... help....

know what?
i just dont know what is going on nowadays.
its my fault. i know that its my fault. its always my fault.
im a really BAD CHRISTIAN.
haiz...
i wish some1 was here that i can rant to... instead of ranting to this blog, and not geting a reply.... maybe i should create another blog that has all the rants, and one that is just telling ppl about my day. k, that is dumb. but im dumb. arent i? ... haiz... God... Fear not fear not fear not...

how do i fear not. im so scared.
im so hated.
im so unwanted.
im so ... im such a bitch.......
haiz...

GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!......
time to make the wishes a reality.
time to make them prayers.
time to wake up
WAKE UP.
PULL UP YOUR SOCKS,
and
WAKE UP.
dont be blur anymore.
message to myself.
DONT BE BLUR ANYMORE.
BE YOURSELF.
LOVE GOD, LOVE PPL.
DONT HATE.
ONLY LOVE.
dont know how to?
LEARN HOW TO LOVE.

because if i cant at least love god and ppl,
im a failure christian.