haiz.
whats the point of wishing.
when wishes are just wishes,
without action, they are impossible to achieve.
isnt that the same with prayers?
faith without works is useless.

we are the salt of the earth, light of the world. but if the salt has lost its flavor, how can it be made salty again? it is worthless except to be trampled underfoot by men. i still dont understand that verse, but suddenly thought of it.. haha..

haiz
i just want to be a blessing. i dont want to be a taker all my life. i dont want to be the problem in others lives, i want to help others solve their problems... haiz.. im still struggling with problems of my own.. "HYPOCRITE! first remove the log in your eye before you deal with the speck in your friends'" luke something i think... i dont know... i feel like that hypocrite..

haiz.. jiuming lar... i cant do this for much longer..
i dont know what to think, dont know what to believe.

AHHHH... help..
ive made a really big mistake.

what can i do？ blog blog blog.. isnt there something...
i am so tempted to just really take my life.
but how can i just turn my back and run away from my problems.
how can any1 just turn and run from their problems!
be a coward?
hide?
....
how can i hide.
ive hidden for 13 years.
time to come out.
time to face to world head on, heart, and soul intact.
how i still dont know.
all i know, is that now im feeling really beaten up and scarred.
i feel used, i feel hurt, i feel dumb, i feel sucky.
haiz
ppl have gone through worse things than this
they are still strong, in faith, they dont falter...
why do i keep on falling down.
i mean
k
they fall down too
but they always can get back up again.
how come when i fall
i stay on the ground
when others get up.
why?
that sucks... ... ... ......

haiz...
i feel so u s e d . . .

why?
donno

but how do i change that.
how do i be all i can be.
how. how how how how how.
i cant just sit around and wait to be spoonfed, right?!

im not that immature. and if i am, then shame on me! ... haiz.. i feel like some bodo toking to myself, but heck. if im a mental case, then so be it. i know who i am. im a child of God. and no amount of problems satan deals out unto me, no matter how hard im gonna be presssed on either side, top and bottom, no matter how many obstacles come my way, God. im still living for you. im not perfect. but i Love you. i dont know why, i dont know how. but. GOD. youre my God. now, and forever. your will be done, not mine. my problems are only a quadrant of a droplet as compared to your ocean. you have worse things to deal with. theres ppl in the world who dont give up, and reach their goal. i want to be like them.. i want that kinda determination. but.. i want to serve God . with all my heart and all my soul. i cant just talk the talk, i have to carry out what ive learned in the four walls into the marketplace, in the marketplace, for the marketplace, to Penetrate the marketplace. so what if i have no time. so what if my brain feels dead. so what!... so what if im young? ... i felt God spoke to me about this, during pastor ulf elkman's preaching, So WHAT if youre young. who says youths cannot do great things for God's will. who says that you have to wait until you are all that before you take a step of faith and do something? ... beeleng said, dont wait for a perfect situation, because it will never come. do things you can NOW, where you are NOW. and you will move UPWARDS.

life never ends.
even at death, what is death... your body dies, but your soul lives on. its like.. when you ahve a baby.. its just another thing like you.. another ghost like you has just been created. haha... i wonder what colour souls are :) ... and its scary, because you dont carry your achievements to the next world, or heaven or hell or that waiting area... whatever it is. i dont care.
i will do what im supposed to do.
i'll be what im supposed to be
nothing Satan does or says can put me down.
he may be able to distract me, he might be able to slow me.
but im not at a complete stop, im not moving backward.
and even if i am moving backward, HE WHO IS IN ME IS GREATER THAN HE WHO IS IN THE WORLD. my God will come and push away every hurt, he will bring peace into my life, and i will be on the right track, in the right direction again.
GOD i give you my heart, i give you my soul. i live for you alone. every breath i take, every moment im awake. Lord have your way in me. im yours.

im yours.
i'll do what you want me to
regardless of whether i want to.
i'll do the best i can
i'll try to do the best i can
i'll remove that toopid log.
and then i can help .. who knows? millions, remove their speck.
and they will see, well enough,
to help a million others, each, to remove theirs.

Amen.
GOD.
i trust you.
i dont know when it will come, i dont know what i should do, and i dont know whether i should trust or not, i dont know, what is expected of me. but. i trust you. if no one else, i trust you.
you are my Lord. you have my Heart in your hands. mould it, refine it, as you set me apart. i want to run to the altar, and catch the fire, i want to stand in the gap, between the living and the dead. i want a heart of compassion, for a world without vision, i WILL make a difference, in this land.

GOD.
i dont care who laughs at me, i dont care who lies to me, i dont care who backstabbed, who tricked, who mocked, who cheated, who betrayed me. i will love my enemies.

its not a worldly thing to love ppl that dont love you.
its easy to love those who love you, but how about those who dont? ...
GOD.
plz.
help me love every1 equally...
i want to be the salt of the earth, light of the world.
with you on my side, i can shine for you.
With you, all things are possible.
i will be happy
i may not be emotionally ok right now, but
i know with you, things will get better.
im still not ok, but soon.
GOD. SOON.
THANKYOUINADVANCE.
for all the things i will have.
i will have a happy life,
impacting ppl's lives to make them happy too!
i dont want to see them suffer.
i dont want to suffer.
so GOD.
everything, i lift it up into your hands
do unto it what you want.
God.
i give you my life.
again.
Amen,
I Love You.