haiz
im sorry lar k?
i get blamed for alot of things, half the time, its ALWAYS my fault.
so, im sorry, if i made you pissed or anything
just
know,
im
SORRY!
k?



haiz...
suddenly i feel like ranting....
ok i WILL rant.
NEHH.
haiz... there are so many things about my past i wish i can change... mostly my pri sch days.. i cant remember anything, you know? its like.. some1 took a scrub and scrubbed my memory bank dry... i cant remember ANYTHING until i see the pictures... all i have are embarassing and stoopid memories... not many fun ones... haiz... i cant remember ANYTHING! anything that my ma told me...
ok.. maybe i can remember some things..
like this thing she wrote on paper, i took it a long time ago without her knowing i think, and.. well.. i found it recently when i cleaned my room.. it goes like this

"Fixtures

League.
-i miss/will miss the days that i may just walk the streets to the neighbourhood market or convenience store holding her hand.
-She will have to walk on *alone*( "alone" this part is underlined) at an age too young with an upbringingtoo upsetting to have begun with
-she will have to go places with no hand to hold her, to keep from being timid, fearful.
-She will have to learn her mom's on her side all the way. even before she born and if it takes walking distance, a great big parallel-if it has to be that way, then may the gods who have eyes to see grant me the mercy and grace to provide for our journey's respectively and give me the strength to live well enough for her till she needs me no more.

knockout(this part is underlined too [knockout])
what is a parallel life with a goalpost in view?

*ENDS HERE*

i never understood that... but if brings back memories... bad memories.. i was told.. not to trust guys i guess. because my pa hurt her, so she always told me to be independend, so i wont get hurt.. maybe thats y im always so insecure? WHO KNOWS! but.. haiz.. i feel so... so.. haiz... its like impossible for me to trust any1 fully... and when i try, the insecurity keeps coming back and hurting that person that i trust... im sorry ok? im really sorry..... i donno whether you will read this.. but im sorry .... i hate things being my fault. because most of the time they are... i remember my ma told me when i was young, that she had a lover outside, and she would have left pa if it wasnt for me.. she didnt want me to have a broken home, so she stayed on... she sacrificied her life for mine... how can i repay that... HOW can i repay that... arent i just hurting people?... i was a quiet ger... loner? i donno... but i was always on my own, afraid of everything... i was weird, because i think alot... is that hard to understand? some1 as stoopid as me THINKING ALOT... thats y i laugh at the slightest things.... ppl donno think i siao or what... haiz.. i donno anymore... im just....so sian of making mistakes, that i cant solve. its not fair, you know, the way things are distrubuted... i feel so bad................ what can i do.. im just a untrusting bitch right? ... haiz.. ... i need God man.... the feelings are coming back... i DONT want to backslide anymore please... please... God.. Father.. Abba.... i need you.... more than words can say... i want to trust ppl, know that they wont hurt me, not be so defensive.. im ALWAYS on the defensive... haiz... its starting to hurt others... oh man........this is a long post..... GOD

... how do i trust...
how do i love
how... how, God.. how..