osuwariii!!!

2008-03-29T23:13:00.003+08:00

my blog ah.
dam kanasai
...
got so many dam posts!!
like 400 +++.
gonna cut down posting alot
so dat by the end of the year it won reach 500
...
hahaa
maybe i should aim lower.. okok 450.
:P
heez
ok 475...
hahaha

anyway, i realised sth.. im dam scared of cars.. i get carsick!! like wth man.. haha.. i feel queasy whenever i step into a car.. kinda ironic, dat cabs no prob and neither bus nor mrt...

anyway, (lol, another anyway:)
MA LENT ME $$$~!!!!!
so happy
can get my crumpler
:P
the dream i'd had... is now a reality!!! haha.. i was alwiz jealous of ppl dat got crumpler.. alwiz wonder what its like to own one.. not really dat good T___T"
wasted.
anyway, i need to pay back by june. so will be v. broke wit building fund and dis too.. rawr. som more need to cough up 30$ for z2h4 :P
GOGO
theres like only 2 ex stereotypers
CHANGE THE NAME!!!
omgosh
..
haha

im eating veggies. they taste dam yuck. idk why, cuz usually i LOVE veggies
... haiz..

2008-03-27T05:53:00.003+08:00

so freaky
i had 3 dreams last nite.. just woke up

1st, i went for a walk wit my ma.. we walked for abt an hour, den lied down on the floor..(yes, the floor) the cold, hard, gravel floor.. we looked up at the stars. they were.. like poka dots. actually, the sky was as if sombody digitized it. there were ma ny stars that exploded, one exploded into rainbow colours.. dam DOTS!!!! anw, we walked back home through a garden or sth, and guess what? i saw 2 ppl from chc. ...
dots..

hhaha. 2nd dream. it was some like... place dat dey served high class food.. ok some restaurant.. i dreamt dat val, isma, hilda, twin was there.. tgt wit alot ppl lah. and the dumb thing was dat my mind captured pictures and developed it. idk how to explain. but. its v. scary
=.=

the 3rd is dat my frens were at my house, and.. well. i was cooking vegetables...=.= carrots and sth... like..
NO LINK... O___O""

if only the sky was more beautiful.. my dream would have been alot nicer
anyway, im awake, and feeling like shit now..
its torture.
=.=

2008-03-26T01:39:00.001+08:00

haha..
today
was
average.......

acutally i reached sch at 9.30.. but since the period ends at 10.20, (double e maths) i stayed somewhere and stoned for 50 mins
thank GOD for si xuan.. she accompany me. :P though for 5mins only lah. she had class lor. hahaahah.. anyway.. im dam bored.................

gonna sleep le.
tired.
blogging for what? idk. i'll blog less.

2008-03-25T00:46:00.002+08:00

haiz
they're so superficial.
... like wth..
anyway

kinda pissed off today
see, i was doing this geog project..
and.. some1 sent me a file.. a file tt its obvious dat not much effort was put in to it, right. like hello, expect me to edit the whole file? is that why you asked me to join your group? so i'll do tt? dream on. heez.

anyway, sorry sherylynn for asking you to compile it, im really bz today.
dead tired. just finished my art hw after like 3 4 hours... zzz
it suckz.. if my cher asks, i'll just say
i spilt paint on it
because i make dat kinda messy effect. den if he ask why so much,
i accidentally split again.
:P
heez.
today got caught in the rain
when i went library.
sian
...
finally returned the dam books.
...
*cough cough*
headache.

oh yes, i still cannot forgive. need to go do qt le.. sayonara.

2008-03-24T08:35:00.002+08:00

idk.
i feel so hurt by that...
the service.. the sermon was about forgiveness... and.. well.. i cried alot.. i tried.. but why issit i still cannot forgive.. its like etched into my memory .. i see ppl dat hurt me.. and i'd just want to seek revenge.. take knives and stab them till they die a miserable death..

i want them to feel the same pain i've felt.
... yet tt wldnt ever happen , huh.
haiz...
i hate this..

anyway. im kinda sick today, so nt in sch. both mentally and emotionaly and physically. heez... idk why past few days i like have dis lingering headache.. sian.. like wtf lar...
i hate my life.
i hate everybody
.....
ok i dont...
=.=
haiya
idk lar
...

2008-03-22T23:41:00.002+08:00

i never really realised.. i mean..
haiz..
i alwiz took things forgranted.
well.
.....
hhahas
okay..
anyway, ptl for this lesson learnt..
treasure the things you have, and guard them..
for whatever you do not guard, you apparently lose..
i mean seriously, i think pastor preached, that if you don guard your heart, the devil can easily steal you away...cause problems bigger then yourself to arise.... in your life, and tear you to shreds..

well..
i know im not really a v. strong person.. im kinda pampered :Pwell. ok im v. pampered. im an only child, k..
rawr.
but anyway, i mean.. i do love my parents.. and.. i realise.. i've been taking them forgranted.. just because dey alwiz like dat, dosent mean i can heck care.. well.. haiz. i really hate being alone. well.. i feel v.... like a burden has been placed on my shoulders.. but ptl that i can carry it. though im not the best person to..

well.. haiz. today is like the most dejavu day i've had in a while, i mean.. just this week i had a nightmare about a shark in a cave that i panicked in.... but tell you, the scenery in my dream was FANTASTIC! haha... coral lor.. the rocks like.. whoaz.. i love it. but the dream itself v. scary.. in the end, i remember i was sitting in a swimming pool wit my ma, and was about to thank her for everything she's done for me, i rmb i found it hard, then i woke up. don ask me how from shark haven i end up in a swimming pool..... lol... ok lar
thats it for dis rant!
~nigahiga rox
okiezz
nitezz

2008-03-22T11:56:00.002+08:00

sian..
im feeling v. hurt now...
haiya
whatever lar..
anyway
what am i doing..

breathing, typing, sitting, coughing. thinking, fiddling, sianing, blogging, relaxing, stoning, pondering, listening, sighing, downloading, watching, looking, seeing, observing, wondering, scratching, feeling miserable....

haiz..
ok .. lame..
whateverzzzzzzz
haiz................................
i feel, that
i cant tell anyone anything anymore
..
im good for nothing now.. :)
forgotten :D
.. after whathappened..
oh well.
ppl can mock......
idk lar.
im
just
abit
O_____O""""
haiz.....

.................................................i've never felt more alone.
................................................................................................
what the f...
haizzz
zzzz
....
.
.
.
.
.

2008-03-22T11:16:00.000+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4nRNYG_xM2U ..dam lame

2008-03-21T01:35:00.002+08:00

haiz.. im feeling so.. zzzz... now..
like wth lar can....
...........................
haiz....
issit really thinking with head and not with heart?
well. im too immature to figure dat out.
..
anw, if youre reading this,
i really miss you, and i think im nt the only 1, so plz come back..

well. i feel like crying again.....
haiz
why am i so weak..............
oh well.
i have this tendency to look forward to things
idk what things
argh
well..
i don wanna post anymore..........................................................................i know every1, if there even is a every1, will be dam happy hor
...
:'(

2008-03-21T00:55:00.002+08:00

be strong be strong be strong........
i dont to fall again.. not now.. i cant afford to fall now...
true, idk where my life is aiming towards...
and im afraid.. but why now.......
............
shit lah....
i don wanna die ..............
will i end up dead?
......
i guess..
i have alot of hatred stored up inside..
whoevevers the next person dat pisses me off, die..
well.
wtf :)
wtf wtf wtf.
...
lalala.
.............................................

2008-03-21T00:17:00.004+08:00

haiya... whatever lar..
i feel like punching some bastard's face nw...
why am i letting this get the better of me..
im so sick of getting spited every fuckin time.....
and..

its like..
....
haiya.. i just feel so wronged, know...
i feel like im... haiz..................
well.. nobody wanna listen to me.. fine larr..
im never gonna be the one who stands out from the crowd or anything.. im never gonna do anything.. haiz.. im so sick of being ... well..
idk lah
seems like whatever i say..
haiz.........
freak lah............
im ..
trying
.. v. hard right now..
its not easy..

suan le lah.. forget it.. its my fault isnt it.. its my wrongs, its my mistakes , dat cause all dese problems. when i wanna grow up, i wanna become a terrorist.
forget it lah....

its all... haiya.. wtf lah.. .......be strong be strong..
its so hard..
time and time again
i feel like
..
im gonna crumble any minute..
and i have to keep on picking myself up again and again..
and..
haiz..
...........
forget it lah.
i think too much
who knows
for now
just focus
GOD, FRIENDS, STUDIES...
..............
i think my now is
FRIENDS, STUDIES, GOD..
God is like last..
maybe dat explains why im becoming liek this..
haiya
idk lar.
im so.
..
like
wtfuck..

2008-03-19T05:05:00.001+08:00

lucky slept inthe afternoon.. because, idk why im still awake now.

must try jiayou jiayou to love everybody..
must love your enemies..
no matter how.. ****ed up they are..
haiz
i LOVE THEM!!
omg..
=.=
rawr
...
lol.

anyway,
things are ok le i hope.
i don wanna make dis all futile
one day
i'll be more helpful i hope
=.=

2008-03-18T23:03:00.001+08:00

i donno what to do... :'(
and its killing me..
shit lah..............

2008-03-18T22:11:00.002+08:00

.....
everything is just so .....
i don understand

i dont want him to be like that!!! T____T"
yes, maybe i am useless.. probably, i am..
maybe i should be the one to die 1st.
.........

2008-03-17T23:37:00.002+08:00

haiz..
whats becoming of this..
i mean.. im sorry.. im really unable to forget that.. and i realise that.. idk lah.. just dont have that secure feeling.. i feel that im swimming in the middle of the ocean, in the midst of a storm... nth to hold onto, i don feel safe...

i mean... idk lah. i wish one day i'll be able to be my self, the real me.. and.. just.. well.. be truthful to my leaders.. idk.. i mean now, i keep having this feeling like im covering sth up.. idk what it is.. but..
its.. like.. haiz....

nevermind.

idk.. .. i cannot forget dat..

2008-03-17T01:20:00.003+08:00

i feel so miserable..
when i think about my past wrongs.. my present wrongs..
erh, wrong doings..
.
oh.. how i'd long.. to just hide in some1's arms, and cry like hell's buisness..i dont feel like sleeping anymore... but haiz.. well.. it dosent matter... im sorry... somehow i feel like an asshole........ keel meeee .......-.- im such a bitch.
2 mths.
i doubt he'd forget.

well.. what i've done.. what have i done? ... i feel so... empty.. like i wanna cry and i cant.. idk why.. sch starts today. its monday morning. wow. im like up late =.= ... well... haiz... go home at 4.10.. sit here and rot ... sian............ well. jiuming..

going to sch is such a bore.. no guys :P haha jkjk..
but seriously.. its such a bore.
haizz... im sad...
oh well. i guess everything happens for a reason... i just donno yet.

haiz.. i feel so emptyzz..... argh...............
how issit that i have a longing to take care of others when i cant take care of myself..
weird.
anyway, well.. haiya...... im unprepared. afraid.
...
abit panicky maybe...
idk../
well. die lah.
tomorrow. . new term
not so bad yet
WHO CAN I RANT TO...

2008-03-16T23:34:00.002+08:00

hahas..
i really feel v. touched by pple's actions, by my cg members, my friends, and every1... i mean.. wah.. sms me support me for the competition.. come down support me despite other things that they are bz with.. hahas. i really feel touched by that. i feel the love manz! :D

the performance went pretty smooth.. though we were the 1st band to perform, so it was hard.. we were prepared, but stressed out, so we couldnt play our best.. grats, to FF, bang bang, weijie! :D you guys rock. really deserving of winning :)

anyway, thanks to BEELENG, WENDY, and ALWIN, for coming down support me.. thx, my stc friends too!! :D:D:D
really v. touched by it.
:)
<3<3<3

anyway.. lately..idk.. been going through.. somethings that.. made me realise.. im really v. immature.. in my thinking, in my mindset..
well.. its time to grow up..
i have to spend more time doings things i should do..
and.. yeah..

well, im sorry, to ppl i've wronged.. i know that im not a v. good person, but im trying to be better. im trying to love my enemies, sth i find really hard.. because .. well, yeah. its unfair. it is, unfair. =.= and.. well if you don wanna listen to my side.. im fine with it.. i mean.. its over.. i give up, i just dislike, and now.. love your enemies :) i'll stay with just.. haiz.. ok.. i'll try not to bear grudges.. leave it to God, know? :)

lately like v. unstable in my faith.. have depressing thoughts alot.. i wish i could have fun, and enjoy, and live a simple, fun filled life.. but who knows life aint like that. hahas. sian.. anyway, im doing my math homework now.. struggling..

a math..
well. i think im dropping poa next year
.. haiz
sianz
take care, guys and gers and dogs and cats and i can go on forever describing living things that i want to take care..
haha
ok lah
bb :)

2008-03-14T13:52:00.000+08:00

its like now, everytime i talk to him, i'd get angry, and.. haiya..
idk le..
......
really have lost my direction in life..
why issit i alwiz have mood swings like this.......

2008-03-14T12:51:00.001+08:00

so..
whats going on..
arghhh
=.=
my mind is exploding wit the pressure..
i have really no idea whats happening around me anymore.. its like..
1 really reallyyyy
big
BLUR
O.O
....

argh.
and i just realised sth, i post alot of shit on my blog dat ppl can take and throw at my face..

where else can i rant? O.O
haiz.
life is starting to get
hellish
=.=

2008-03-13T05:01:00.002+08:00

haiz..

im sorry, okay?

i mean..

i keep thinking ppl do things because dey want sth in return,

and its hard to think that some1 wld just do sth for free, because yeah, dis world just aint like dat. =.=

.......

so im sorry that sometimes i'd expect ppl to want sth outta me for treating me real nice or sth... or comforting me.. i mean.. i appreciate it, ppl comforting me.. but after that.. i start thinking.. and..

ARGH

maybe i just shouldnt think so much.

kill my dam brain cells

nowonder im seemingly stupider =.=

2008-03-13T00:56:00.002+08:00

everytime i hear, safe in a crazy world by corrine may,
somehow.. i'd cry..
well, yeah , i dont hear it often lah. but everytime i hear fully i'd cry..
like now..
haiz..

i wish i could hold onto something tangible and trust in it forever... for protection, for safety.. yes, i know God is there for me to hold on, but i can never feel God.. and im afraid of being bashed up by the inevitable things that i'll eventualy face.. im afraid..

i donno..
sometimes i just wanna be alone..
like today..
i loved today.
i can just spend time alone, doing things i like to do..
slacking, lazing, sorting out my itunes, (which im not done)
hearing songs...
and now, tearing..
....
im scared..
everytime i hear it,
i'd be reminded.. that the world isnt beautiful.. its scary, its horrible..anything can hurt you, and its like.. you'd be forever vulnerable.. maybe thats why i like my house. protected.. =.=

haiz..
i dont know..
best not to think abt it..

haiz..
how can i not think..
why issit im scared of everything and everyone..
and why issit that im so insecure..
why do i cry so easily..
why do i feel so..
haiz..
im scared...
=.=

2008-03-12T21:38:00.002+08:00

i guess.. i really need to try hard to be a better person..

right now i cant stand myself

its kinda irritating..

haiyaz

anyway, im sorting out my itunes folder now.. again, same problem as usual.. too much stuff, i cant remember what i deleted and what i kept =.= ...

argh. sian

....

theres like.. a thousand more to go, literally...

sian sian siansiansiansiansiansianz...

and im only at 141 now. zzz

LOL...

2008-03-12T15:27:00.003+08:00

HEY!

its the holidays :P

so... what have i been doing...

haha. wasting time doing things that waste time :P

its wednesday, and it dosent feel like a wed at all..

haha

im going brain dead!

i mean, just yesterday night, i was like, watching nigahiga youtube vid , and its dam ... dots =.=

haha!

but kinda self entertaining :P

watching stupid ppl pull off stupid things

dam funny

haha!

one day i'll save up for a vid camera and take videos of EVERY dumbass thing i see! :P

and its raining..

2008-03-12T00:53:00.002+08:00

2008-03-12T00:01:00.000+08:00

haiyoz
im so clumsy
..
like dots lar.
split nail polish remover on my MOUSE ....
and attempted to paint black 3 times, and failed miserably :P
im not much of a da ban kinda ger i guess =.=
..
perhaps eye liner is as far as i'll go.
zzz
....
anyway,
im becoming some1 that even i despise, and its sucky..
so..
haiya.
need to change..
i keep saying i need to change..
how much more changes do i need to make before im OKAY!:!?!??!

2008-03-11T11:57:00.002+08:00

ROARZXXZXZXZXZXZx

.........

wootz

i miss you

i miss you

i miss you

i miss EVERYBODY!!!!!

i miss you , all you shuai ges and mei nus!!!!!!!!!

OH MANZ!!!!

EFL ROX!

but its so long!! O.O

haizz..

THANK GOD IM IN SINGAPORE!

the thing i appreciate most about singapore, is

CLEAN TOILETS!

i have phobia for m'sia toilets now..

2008-03-10T22:14:00.000+08:00

muahaha!!
practising drums now!! :P
SOS IS SO HARD!!!
i totally cannot catch it..
starlight..
still can ba :P

OMG!
JIAYOU JIAYOU STEREOTYPES!!!!!!!!
i'll do my best, the rest of us do our best too!!!:D :D :D

its 6 days away man!!! IM SO NERVOUS!!!!!!!!!

2008-03-10T12:02:00.003+08:00

iM BACK!!!
haha. well, was back yest.. but kinda too tired to blog...

lets summarize.
DAY 1:
went to sch.. .woke up at 4+ or 5+ , slept at 2 because haven pack finish :P ... reached sch at 5.45.. bus arrived late. =.= so, reached the tekam plantation resort at 6+? after a dam long journey.. wit yucky pit stops wit yucky toilets :P haa! my fren said that the thing she missed the most bout singapore was HER TOILET! :P seriously lah! got 1 toilet dey throw mee goreng in the sink =.=

when we reached tekam, had some weaving palm leaves thingy.. lucky i can catch it fast.. quite simple O>O den we were told to pack for tmr, when we have to go somewhere away from the resort...

DAY 2:

pack finish.. breakfast, went to the bus, go TAMAN NEGARA go trekking! it was DAM TIRING....... zzz. the ground v. slippery, and.. haha. me and val fell down once :P i almost fell a second time though :P managed to see the floor w/o my specs.. hahaha. was v. scared of leeches, so didnt wan to be able to see the floor, and every single insect dat was on it =.= anyway, reached the highest point, at 344m, the hill, which sounds pathetic, but we apparently trekked 1.7km to get there, which is yes, also pathetic.... we had to trek 1.7km back too i guess =.= .. at least the way back had STEPS ..... den we went a canopy walk.. haha. its dam fun! but kinda scary at the same time. zzz... practically ran across cuz i was holding 2 bottles, my fren's and mine, and the guy there almost din let me go across =.= ..... hahas .... then when me and val reached, we didnt wait for mr wong, who was behind us :P keke.. he dam slow!!! we walked till reached some pathetic ant and fly infested beach, and ate lunch there :) FRIED CHICKEN, POPIAH, HOT DOG... reward for all our efforts :) keke... could taste the oil though :P keke...

then we took a boat ride, which the motor died twice, going rapid shooting... haha. got dam WET! wet till clothes and underwear all wet lor =.= hair.. haha. don nid to say.. dam cmi =.= splashed like HELL MAN!!!!! lol. dam cold. shivering.. but dam shiok at the same time.. me and val's cameras were in cheng yee?'s bag.. actually dey were in a zip loc bag, but the bag had a hole :P =.= hahahas. so stupid lah!! anyway, PTL,our cameras didnt get wet :) i'd be really emo during the whole camp if dey got wet... hahas. :P

then we went on board the bus, soaking wet.. lucky the aircon not really dat cold.. we dried our hair, and went high :P for say 90 mins.. haha!! mr wong kept telling STUPID jokes! "women are beautiful and dumb.. dumb to marry the guy" :P ITS SO DOTS, MR WONG!!!!!!!!! ....... haha! we reached the cave at 6+ i guess.. haha. didnt have a watch. felt like it though.. surprisingly the cave that we were supposed to sleep in was quite clean... dey said it belonged to the .......... some high position guy.. cant really remember :P anyway, at night, we went for a night walk.. walk on the main road, in almost complete darkness.. on the way there, we had torches, but the way back we had merely a candle =.= .... lucky it didnt go out! hahas!!! so fun lah! it was beautiful.. had many many many stars.. :) i felt happy just lookin at them... haha. how i wish singapore had stars like that :)

anyway, the high position guy's wife's bdae was that day, so dey cooked satay for us! :P dam good.. ate alot after bathing, then went to sleep... in a tent in the cave :P

DAY 3, BAT SHIT DAY!!!! :

it was horrible. we woke up, to a rainy morning.. we had breakfast in the cave.. dey brought it up the slope, and stairs.. den after that, we went downstairs (it stopped raining le) and got sorted out into groups.. the group1 was going caving 1st, group 2, absailing. gang hao, i was in group 1 T___T""" haizz. well, we trekked through MUCH WORSE CONDITIONS, where dere were alot of leeches, that freaked me out!!! and, it was really, HORRIBLE! yet fun at the same time.. muddy lah :P hahas. anyway, we reached the cave, it was not yet horrible, it was can walk 1... after that it was HELL ... we walked and climbed till a place where the scenery was BEAUTIFUL, but there were human bones buried in the dirt... anyway, after that, we walked abit further in, to a place where we were told we wld have to climb down 175 feet i think O.O or was it 75? idk. but it was VERY STEEP.. so much so that we had to use our ass to climb, literally =.= ms sim said, "after you get out of here, i'll tell you what you are clinbing in" some1 said COW DUNG, den ms sim replied,"bat shit! the wet, sticky thing is the fresh 1" YUCK ... and i GOT LEECH BITES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyway, after dat.. we went outdoor cooking, which i sucked at, beacuse I CANNOT COOK 1!!!! haha! VALERIE ROCKS LAH!! she made scramble eggs :P dam pro. i felt like a noob! canot cook, don dare to eat :P keke.. haiz.. i admire you so much, val.. youre brave lor.. im like a sissy =.= ... den after dat we went absailing, after walking back from the cave.. IT WASNT NEAR THE 1 WE WERE SLEEPING IN AH!!!!!!!!! haha... absailing.. is scary =.= ... really really scary =.= ... haiz. everytime i try, i bang myself against the rocks! haha!!! lol. scary. anyway, we went back to tekam after dat...this is day 3 ah :P go back, briefing, learn some rope tying, den sleep :P haha! i slept on the top bunk! :P

DAY 4, LAST DAY! :

woke up, its dam slack.. haha! went some agro tour.. boring.... had to put in alot of effort to stay awake! haha! ate a cocoa fruit.. realised that its like, really a fruit... and the seed is the cocoa i think =.= anyway, afterdat, went back, boring, ate lunch, slept till 1, den went rafting. it rained when we were tying the raft!!! LOL every1 was shivering, cold, wet, muddy! haha!! the barrel dropped into the lake! me and crystal stood on the edge trying to get it out lor.. so scary.. scared we drop in!! haha! sharon held us so we wouldnt fall.. anyway, after dat we went back to pick up rubbish in the mud, and the trainer gave us a lift back to start point! :P me, samantha lam, and claire , and the instructor :P hahaha!!! LOL.. anyway, every1 look at us like dey wanna kill us for dat :P kekeke. but anyway, the trainer insisted... :P :P :P

KEKE! after dat.. really nothing to do... all the way till dinner, den till some reflection thingy, and briefing for the going home time later..

at going home time, it was dam jialat.. cuz i didnt have shorts, and valerie's track pants (which i borrowed) were kinda wet... and muddy, and full of bat shit. =.= ... so, i wore shorts..was hiding from mr francis and ms sim the whole time.. on the bus to the train station, me was dying!!! mr wong scolded the class because most of dem were in bermudas =.= haiz... sad. almost cried, because mr wong v. good cher.. he v. nice.. v. fair.. but alot ppl like insensitive.. like me lah, go wear shorts.. well, i didnt bring, but its my wrg i guess.. haiz..

in the train station, it was dam scary.. alot ppl stare at us, dono for what... sian. sat there from bout 1am to 3am, doing nth. wait, this is day 5, right?!?!?1

DAY 5, WAY BACK! :

keke. this is the last day! we boarded the train at about 3++ den after dat slept till bout 8 or 9.. haha. dam boring, the train. dam cold oso.. haha. val said i slept till my head on her shoulder! hahas!! its so dam funny.. well, *my comp have problem now, the words i type are coming in inverse, so im gonna end soon, this is such a long post!!! * lol.

the train v. dirty, and scary.... alot of shady characters. anyway, PTL, we reached the train station in singapore safe and sound! :) and after dat, we took a bus back to school :P haha! dam shiok!!! reached sch at about 12.40... reached home at1!!!

haha! after that, went for cell group.. went home, bathed, and left like hell!! lucky pa and ma tompang me in the car :P kekeke.. otherwise i'd be late! anyway, PTL that could make it for cg.. practise was cancelled.. i think every1 was really tired anyway.. haha. cant wait for tomorrow!!! theres practise!! :D SO HAPPY!! :D

haha! thats the end of the camp! :P mayb i missed out some stuff.. haha. such a long post. i doubt any1 will read lor :P did any1 miss me? :P kekekeke!!!!!
haha
anyway, missed you all like siao lor... haizz hhaha!! so happy that im back. still feels like im in malaysia.. very tired.. =.= hahahas! :P

2008-03-05T00:45:00.001+08:00

im feeling.. abit tired..
havent packed..
have efl tomorrow..
scared. never went for efl before.. dont know what to expect... anyway, i wanna bring LOTS of stuff to do.. haha. im scared v. boring!
:P
i dont think it is lar, but.. haha. you never know. then again, with me, what can be boring? :P
hahahahaha!!!
DOTS
...

2008-03-04T23:09:00.001+08:00

hahah!

*eLiZ* i miss cg.. haiz.. im sorry.. im an asshole, kay.. wont be online for 5 days manz.. =.= sian. says:
scared of the leeches
*eLiZ* i miss cg.. haiz.. im sorry.. im an asshole, kay.. wont be online for 5 days manz.. =.= sian. says:
giv ethe lolipop instead of my flesh
Kin Weng says:
haha
Kin Weng says:
if they eat lollipop
*eLiZ* i miss cg.. haiz.. im sorry.. im an asshole, kay.. wont be online for 5 days manz.. =.= sian. says:
*eLiZ* i miss cg.. haiz.. im sorry.. im an asshole, kay.. wont be online for 5 days manz.. =.= sian. says:
i hope dey do
Kin Weng says:
heheh
Kin Weng says:
that would be the day
*eLiZ* i miss cg.. haiz.. im sorry.. im an asshole, kay.. wont be online for 5 days manz.. =.= sian. says:
hhaha
*eLiZ* i miss cg.. haiz.. im sorry.. im an asshole, kay.. wont be online for 5 days manz.. =.= sian. says:
BLOODSUCKERS
*eLiZ* i miss cg.. haiz.. im sorry.. im an asshole, kay.. wont be online for 5 days manz.. =.= sian. says:
O.O
*eLiZ* i miss cg.. haiz.. im sorry.. im an asshole, kay.. wont be online for 5 days manz.. =.= sian. says:
LOL
Kin Weng says:
yah
*eLiZ* i miss cg.. haiz.. im sorry.. im an asshole, kay.. wont be online for 5 days manz.. =.= sian. says:
muahahahahahha
Kin Weng says:
unless u have a lollipop that's made up of blood
*eLiZ* i miss cg.. haiz.. im sorry.. im an asshole, kay.. wont be online for 5 days manz.. =.= sian. says:
hmmn
*eLiZ* i miss cg.. haiz.. im sorry.. im an asshole, kay.. wont be online for 5 days manz.. =.= sian. says:
hahas
*eLiZ* i miss cg.. haiz.. im sorry.. im an asshole, kay.. wont be online for 5 days manz.. =.= sian. says:
shiok
*eLiZ* i miss cg.. haiz.. im sorry.. im an asshole, kay.. wont be online for 5 days manz.. =.= sian. says:
i'll create a new flavour
*eLiZ* i miss cg.. haiz.. im sorry.. im an asshole, kay.. wont be online for 5 days manz.. =.= sian. says:
BLOOD
Kin Weng says:
shiok
*eLiZ* i miss cg.. haiz.. im sorry.. im an asshole, kay.. wont be online for 5 days manz.. =.= sian. says:
den in the products label
Kin Weng says:
jus tmake sure when u do
*eLiZ* i miss cg.. haiz.. im sorry.. im an asshole, kay.. wont be online for 5 days manz.. =.= sian. says:
"made with real human blood"
*eLiZ* i miss cg.. haiz.. im sorry.. im an asshole, kay.. wont be online for 5 days manz.. =.= sian. says:
Kin Weng says:
u tell me so that i don't get a shock of my life
*eLiZ* i miss cg.. haiz.. im sorry.. im an asshole, kay.. wont be online for 5 days manz.. =.= sian. says:
hahahaha
*eLiZ* i miss cg.. haiz.. im sorry.. im an asshole, kay.. wont be online for 5 days manz.. =.= sian. says:
wanna be the donor for the blood flaovur?
Kin Weng says:
eh
Kin Weng says:
eh
Kin Weng says:
hmm
Kin Weng says:
eh
*eLiZ* i miss cg.. haiz.. im sorry.. im an asshole, kay.. wont be online for 5 days manz.. =.= sian. says:
you;d lose your life, but for the millions of leeches all around the world's joy and happiness!
*eLiZ* i miss cg.. haiz.. im sorry.. im an asshole, kay.. wont be online for 5 days manz.. =.= sian. says:
haha! like a leech jesus!
*eLiZ* i miss cg.. haiz.. im sorry.. im an asshole, kay.. wont be online for 5 days manz.. =.= sian. says:
die on the cross
Kin Weng says:
OMG
*eLiZ* i miss cg.. haiz.. im sorry.. im an asshole, kay.. wont be online for 5 days manz.. =.= sian. says:
for the blood to be drained
*eLiZ* i miss cg.. haiz.. im sorry.. im an asshole, kay.. wont be online for 5 days manz.. =.= sian. says:
to the lollipop factory
Kin Weng says:
ok it's definitely time for you to sleep
Kin Weng says:
hahha
*eLiZ* i miss cg.. haiz.. im sorry.. im an asshole, kay.. wont be online for 5 days manz.. =.= sian. says:
to create job oppurtunities and food to prevent leech starvation
*eLiZ* i miss cg.. haiz.. im sorry.. im an asshole, kay.. wont be online for 5 days manz.. =.= sian. says:
all around the WORLD!
*eLiZ* i miss cg.. haiz.. im sorry.. im an asshole, kay.. wont be online for 5 days manz.. =.= sian. says:
*eLiZ* i miss cg.. haiz.. im sorry.. im an asshole, kay.. wont be online for 5 days manz.. =.= sian. says:
haha!!!!!!!
Kin Weng says:
u can go do journlist
Kin Weng says:
and playwright

2008-03-03T22:40:00.004+08:00

oh man..
i feel really stupid.. i mean, what the hell was i thinking.. why didnt i go when i had the chance.. i cant go cg or service for 2 weeks now... haiz.. ... the thought of being so far.. it hurts alot.. suddenly.. i feel so broken again.. oh man.. whats taking hold of me...

i should have guarded better.... amen, everything is done for a reason... i've found the reason here... so many things i wanna thank God for... the fact that hope has returned to my life, that im not alone anymore.. that i realised that ppl actualy Do care about me.. i guess im.. haha.. im inconsistent... haiz..

im not gonna backslide.. plz.. i dont wanna backslide... never never never... i know i cant last long on my own.. im really leaning now... everything on my God's shoulders... haiz..

im captured by your holy calling..
set me apart, i know youre drawing
me to yourself....
heal me lord i pray...
take me...
mould me...
use me..
fill me..
i give my life,
to.. the potters hands..

i miss your comfort.. and seems like every trial i go through i cannot win without you by my side.. without your miracles, miracles i do not understand... but i trust all the same... i guess.. circumstances occured.. made me think.. about what i was doing.. with my life.. everything.. haiz.. i pray that things dont get worse :)

Lord... take me in again?

.. hahahas.. theres a song playing on my comp..
"all i need is you lord, all i need is you..
youre my world, youre my god, and i lay down my life for you.. you are my lord, you are my God, and i love, no1 can ever take your place..."

haiz.. i feel broken all over.....
today.. is amazing..

2008-03-03T22:03:00.004+08:00

today.. haha
talking to him...
yeah.. i think we took things too fast... i think i was well... abit too immature to think properly. well.. its over.. :) but.. im still happy to have a friend like him lah. :) despite everything that happened...

he shared wit me a sermon outline today :)

a public declaration of your standards and principles

no matter how difficult life may seem, we must never let our circumstances dictate our descision.

Ruth1:1-6
you either raise your standards to meet your expectations; isaiah 59:19 probverbs 23:6-8

when the devil appears, just raise your standard. The greater one are not of this world but in god.

only the irresponsible are willing to sacrifice the future in order to enjoy the prescence. Pslams 11:3
luke 6:46-48

the portrait of your life is painted with the brush of your character

genesis 39:7-9 defines the character, genesis 41:37-42

you can never know a person by what they say, you meet them the moment youre willing to believe what they do , james 2:14-16

the productive of any relationship is dependant upon the standard it celebrates

john 15:4
psla,s 119:79
requirments for a relationship
must
must be moving towards a productive future
must be generous
must qualify to receive my seed
must celebrate character before friendship
my friend must be willing to confront my enemies

theres nothing more dangerous then the moment you become a hostage/prison to yesterdays confort zone
phillippians 3:13-15
-do not be a hostage because your past or your future wil never be what you hoped for

whatever you refuse to conquer today, will be next to impossible to conquer tomorrow
matthew 5:29:30 6:19-21

hahaz :)

thanks .. well. no hard feelings i hope. i know im in the wrong...

2008-03-03T19:50:00.002+08:00

hhhaha..
i feel like an idiot :)
getting abit.. confused with what i should and what i should not do..
its like.. got rulebook.. haiz..

robin.. im sorry sometimes i dont thank you.. i do appreciate you coming... i do appreciate you going the extra mile.. but.. haiz.. i know you dont have to.. you want to..

im.. really confused... whats going on!!! O.O
haiya.
......
im not gonna emo again..
change chain of thoughts..

anyway, today...
today was.. well. i was just on time for sch.. thought i'd be late. wasnt. we're all on talking terms, i guess, so dats a good thing. during lunch, coach danker came up to me and started talking to me... haha. i think i got somebody in trouble undelibrately.. oops. anyway.. i hope i get to join back hockey.. i really like it lah.. but i guess i just dont like the attitude :P *oops* :P

saw shanika and huishan outside school... missing shanika alot.. love you, lao gong :) or lao po.. i forgot. haha X]

well. what to do. oh yeah.. went tiong wit isma.. she needed to buy zip loc bags for camp.. so i bought oso, because i didnt pack.. she said need a 1 litre bottle, and its compulsory, so i bought 1.. 9$.. its red.. =.= ... im regretting :P .. i dont like waterbottles ah. =.= ... haha.. anyway, bought 4 pens, and ran into tommy at tiong :) he cut his hair.. haha. after dat.. saw amira.. went home.. blah blah... yeap :)

im really nervous bout the performance!

2008-03-03T06:30:00.002+08:00

had a freaky dream.. time travel. ... argh.
it kinda scared the hell outta me
went too late back in time, in an mrt, underground.. when i accidently pressed the bottom floor on the lift, the scene i saw really made my heart jump lah! its like.. ancient! im scared of being underground.. i guess maybe claustrophobia. zzz. anyway, in my dream, i pressed a higher floor on the lift, and ended up in an mrt.. =.= like WTH!!!!!!!!! den it.. started going.. and a stranger talked to me.. den only i realised it wasnt a stranger.. and i had to shoo him away in the end because he was an asshole.. zzzz... i remember my friend said something point was stuck in china, and the other point was in school. so i went back to school.. den he wanted to follow.. i had to chase him away lor =.= ........

i still remember my dream before this, that leaded to this.. i was in school uniform, wearing a cap and a jacket, having a stumuch ache, and having a rgs primary ger who transferred into my school showing attitude. pissed me off. =.= ...

the mere thought frighetens me...

2008-03-02T23:04:00.001+08:00

i feel touched :)
i didnt know .. well. haha
i feel v. touched... :)
thanks, alwin :)

2008-03-02T20:35:00.002+08:00

i dont get it. why are things so confusing?
why cant life just be in simple black and white pictures, without all the double crossing, looking back,...
haiz.. im regretting...
regetting everything i ever did....
regretting everything i've yet to do... is that possible?

confused.. as usual. nth to gain, everything to lose. typical..
isnt that what i am? the trouble maker.. the problem in itself...
haiz....

dosent matter.

half the time i feel like a tool.. something others use... caring for me is maintainence.. like dat.. haha. oh well. maybe its wo xiang tai duo.. idk lah. just feel like dat....... haiz

"confusion is nothing new"

2008-03-02T01:44:00.002+08:00

hhahas. its just a temporary feeling.. haiz.. usual lah. typical lah. sian...................
..................................

i should have known. no way will my day end like that.. i know ppl care.. but..
half the time im wondering..haiz. forget it..
im so sick of the tears..
im so sick of doing things i shouldnt
its so hard to say no
dont dare to face ppl. what right do i have to?
...
haiz..

2008-03-01T23:20:00.001+08:00

WHY AM I SO STUPID!!!????!?!?!?!?!?!

2008-03-01T22:50:00.002+08:00

aiyz
i dono whats been going on inside me lately.
i poned service today, something i regret like hell...
at the same time, though i didnt feel like going, i couldnt really stay.. because i had to be somewhere at 6.00 sharp.. and.. i din wanna leave early lah. haha.

well.. i feel like.. haiz.. idk lahz.. my mood swings like shit man.. its like .. in the afternoon, i was crying, sobbing.. all funny sounds coming out from me, and.. well.. cry like nobody buisness.. in PUBLIC SOME MORE =.= .... and now.. i feel... i feel touched...

today was different.. i mean.. i really dono what happened.. somehow, the atmosphere wit my band mates, with my instructors, was AMAZING.. i mean.. i've never felt more.. joyful .. haha. yes... i miss dat... alot.. and.. haiz.. its such a nice feeling, dat i've taken forgranted for so long... hahas.. THANKYOU....

i really dono whats going on man... i totally dont feel like myself at All...
but.. i wanna thank .. people.. dat.. well.. hahas. you know lah. its abit hard for me to say this, but.. im... grateful.. to have people like you, around me..you're VERY appreciated. :)

i dono whether dis whole (below) incident changes anything lah... because my mood swings really like heaven and hell 1... zzzz.. and i have no idea why,

anyway, today.. was a so called mini performance thingy, at z2h lesson place, but our band, stereotypes, were supposed to go CSC first, to get the feel of the place, because we cannot go next sat.. hahas. so, yeah. :P and, wow, see the drum set there, AMAZING MAN!!! but its only a 300 seater, kinda pathetic :P kekeke... but the drums are dam cool!!!! though they are dam far apart.. i couldnt reach the cymbal :P ... hahas. anyway, at lesson place, had the mini performance.. and.. we drew locks, and our band was the first =.= .. we tried swapping wit another band, but.. haha.. failed at it lah. :P so..

haha. actually, i was the one dat made us fail.. played like.. uno staco or sth to determine who would win, s o.. i was the 1 who ehe.. made the tower fall :P haha. im SORRY! felt so bad man.. argh!!!!!! well.. we played.. valerie asked me to pretend the drumset was some1, so WHACK AS HARD AS I CAN! PLAY LOUDER!! haha. i played louder.. so.. hahas.. i mean, last time i played, before today, i really COULD NOT catch the last part and.. on the way to CSC, i listened to it over and over.. try to remember what Jun Wei taught.. and .. somehow, i could play it with minor mistakes at the performance! :D!!!!!

and, i was COMPLIMENTED! in front of every1! like, WHOA!!!!! haha!! i felt.. wow. ego boost :)

anyway, dats not the main thing... my band mates, really made my life WONDERFUL today.. it was really awesome lah.. i thank God i have friends like these...

haiz.. i hope dat things dont go back to.. haiz.. back.. .. yet.. its kinda too early to say..

2008-03-01T08:37:00.001+08:00

wahz. im surprised im alive dis morning actually. last nite.. was really crying..
for awhile, den i went outside..did sth stupid lah, but.. yeah.. haiz. i woke up, then my about 5th thought was, "WTF! im still ALIVE =.=" ... argh..... its so frustrating to think, dat im alone.. but looking ard me, i kinda am.. and its kinda sad .. haiz. well. dats me... i mean.. nt many ppl ard me anymore. i keep pushing pple away. maybe i should sink back to being a loner.. no matter hw boring it is. i'll self entertain. haiz... anyway, its late. im worried. so. heck lah. maybe i did get penetrated abit. who knows. my blog got problem anw. ... haiz... oh yeah, surprisingly, fried egg cum mushroom/chicken ball cum mixed vegetables, fried, dont taste dat bad.. =.=

2008-02-29T21:55:00.003+08:00

ironic.
theres a chinese church cgm downstairs opposite my block,
and here i am shutting them out.
i give up.
its just a matter of time..
i alwiz said sooner is better den later, but..
how to sooner
haiz.
11 days..
of torture
and it'll all end
..
i hope.

haha. see my blog? "when i grow up, i wanna be a terrorist"
i dont even think i'll live to grow up. i told myself in sec 2 dat i'd probably end my life before im in sec 4. cannot take it. what is it i cant take? idk. stubbornness.

i cant just sit here and be touched. theres a rock layer around my heart dat NOTHING can penetrate anymore. thing is, im crying now. really, crying. i dono why, but.. yeah. i hate the world. i hate myself. i HATE EVERYTHING....
..............
............
...........
..........
..
..
im just a mistake creation.
maybe the maker didnt want me, so he put me here, knowing i'd die.
...
okay then.

2008-02-29T13:56:00.002+08:00

i feel so betrayed..
like every post i type is just rantings... i dont understand!!!
if the world is like this, and its nt gonna change, isnt death easier?
its running away, isnt it? others wld just keep fiting.. what if i dont want to..
am i crapping?

haiz.. i wanna die manz.
fear?
idk.. i've always known.. haiz..
i just feel so alone.. apparently i depend on people.. now that no1.. hhhahas.. i feel more alone then ever.. well. if i could choose a day to die, it would be 14 march :) you'd know why..

keke..
yet i dont even dare to take my life.. ... how cowardly can i get manz. its so pathetic its embarassing.... i think and look down, a mere 10 storeys, and im afraid.. i look down 22 storeys, .. 40? ... if i jump.. it'll be forty... the only way i can think of to overcome dat fear is get drunk.. haha. sit there and drink till im drunk. den fall off. :) den i wouldnt even realise it... i'd be dead :) ....hmn. hope some1s there wit me.. or else.. well.. haha. im dat pathetic.. i dont even dare to die alone.. ..
hahahas.
wonder if i'll come back to life.. as a sprit? who knows. right now, i feel so.. haiz... i cant describe... i want to cry.. yet i dare not let any1 close enough to comfort me.. before i die.. i wanna kill some assholes.. hmmmn... day dreaming..*

guess just borrow chopper or sth.. hide somewhere.. throw at dem.. watch their blood flow... hahahahahas. i'll luff ..... like a manic or sth! :P ... i hope i die. :)

haiz.. whats the point of saying things i can never do? ... im too cowardly.. who knows.. maybe one day i'll dare to.... haha. i'll get to hurt people for the times they've hurt me... but whats the point.. im the one dat gets hurt the most.. like hello, my brains and blood will like spill everywhere.. i wonder what it'll look like when some1 commits suicide by jumping down.. hmmn... hahahas. some bloody mess! :P :P :P KEKEKEKE

.........
haiz......
self entertainment.....
yet.. its gonna be all my fault , isnt it..hahahas. as usual. i can never do anything right. maybe dat was why i was put on this earth. to die .. isnt every1? .... i mean, how to live w/o any purposes.. its just following routine.. and now im alone, its... its scary.. i have to face EVERYTHING alone... hahahas..

................
i wanna kill people...................................................
maybe my heart is black..
who knows..

2008-02-29T10:55:00.002+08:00

tears of a broken heart..
falling away, breaking from..
shunned, shut away.. forgotten..
inverse.
reversed.
...

2008-02-29T09:50:00.000+08:00

there..changed my blogskin..
it still don have archives. heck.
...
well... its playing my favourite song of the moment, fall again... haaa
.. haiz. feeling so down lately.
i poned sch today... well, i was sick for 3 days in a row, so.. when i went back yest..i felt unwanted.. haiz.. i guess its my stubbornness dat keeps me from doing well. i just wanna end it all.. wish i could kill people.. watch their blood flow!

man slaughter. when i think abt ppl getting tortured, idk why, its sadistic, but i'd laugh.. hahahas. as in, if dey deserve it lah. kekeke. i'd wanna be the one to drive the nails into their flesh and watch the blood flow gently.. while hearing screams of agony.. kekekeke.. i'd laugh. :P

2008-02-27T20:03:00.001+08:00

so angry.
today woke up
fever
sian.
....
why am i becoming more and more fragile
ok,, "FRAGILE"
....

anw, i really donno what i want to do wit my life. if i don dare to kill myself, how can i do things dat make life better for MYSELF....... hmmn. *brain storm brain storm brain storm*

hmmn.
i guess.. making ppl.. recognise me won be a bad idea..
haha. whats the use of posting dis. i won do dat.
hahahaha.
well. some1 told me.. its a competition. well. haha. i guess den i'll have to aim to get 1st... zzzzz. but how is it a competition...
dosent it totally defeat the purpose?

... i'll never understand why i was put on this damned earth for. i could have died as a baby. i think i was supposed to.... but why am i still alive?! .... haiz. well.

life dream... kill ppl.. i wanna be a terrorist when i grow up.. hahas. idk why, but im becoming more and more sadistic.. i laugh when i see ppl suffer.

argh
heck

ANYWAY
today. i was 30 mins early for lesson, and isma and the rest were 30 mins late. i ended up waiting an hour. thanks. :) ..............
and, hello. SOS ISNT EASY.
its 16 beat, dammit.. think im dat pro..?!
.. haiz..
well. it'll help if you guys don keep pressurising me. i know when the deadline is, im doing my best as it is, k? ...
haiz..

2008-02-26T15:49:00.001+08:00

am i running away?

2008-02-25T22:30:00.002+08:00

guess i cant accept anything anymore..
always see a motive behind it.
nth is ever visible..

2008-02-25T08:44:00.002+08:00

haiya.
fuck this lah.

2008-02-25T08:24:00.002+08:00

idk wtf im doing anymore,
whether issit because i keep pushing ppl away or whatever effing shit,
but maybe it'll take 11 days
den i'll cease to exist.

if it dosent hurt, it wont hurt trying, huh?
i'll try.

... hmmn. browsing some webbies.
so cute "gun shot through mouth or temple " pain? NO, unless you miss (NOTE: you do NOT want to miss) hahaha! so cute
...
is being gased to death painful?

2008-02-25T07:19:00.003+08:00

sian..
monday, my usual poning day..
im poning again.. ok im not
i guess im really sick dis time round.
haha. like boy who'd cry wolf man. usually monday im like a zombie even if i go sch
dis time..

idk lah
im luffing at myself now for my own stupidity
drank 5 cans of coffee yest
now having a killer stummuch ache
dont dare to go sch loh. wait keep running to toilet
sian lah! spent half an hour + in the toilet.
ER XIN

lol. my ma luffing at me too. said im full of shit! :P
yuck.
haiya. im as good as dead lah.
......
wahlao.
hate this man...

like dat.. haha. i know no1 will believe me lar. dont care. what am i supposed to do man. zzz i feel like vomitting now.. told hilda and eliz goh.. yeah, i know dey prob won believe lah. i dont blame dem.. argh. anw, im as good as dead, so.. yes. :) ... kill meee!!!!!! ...argh..
pain ..
idk why im feelin like dis man. last nite was guai lor. didnt reach home late.....argh!
... frustrating
zzz.

2008-02-25T02:17:00.000+08:00

somehow.. i feel empty.
like a part of me has died. can the whole person die? how.. i want to, know? ...
zzzzz
life
sucks.
zzz

2008-02-25T00:05:00.002+08:00

I feel it everyday it's all the same
It brings me down but I'm the one to blame
I've tried everything to get away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
It feels like everyday stays the same
It's dragging me down and I can't pull away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?
Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and overI
try not toOver and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try

So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head
I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead
I know what's best for me
But I want you instead
I'll keep on wasting all my time

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try to

hahas.
helloz. im not exactly having a great day, but it was tahanable. hhahas. well... i got ignored by .. yes. i cannot say, because it hurts when i do.. alot.. and.. hahas. thanks, robin, for praying for me.. i just.. idk lah.. hahas. i mean... well. im really v. confused rite now, so.. yes. sorry.

what he said.. i guess its true.. i am emotionally unstable...
haiz..
like roller coaster!
*i like to eat dem*
hahas

anw, sth v. funny ... i like to self entertain, sorry bout dat. hahas. was hungry cuz nv eat dinner... so.. i go cook eggs. :P i know, sounds stupid. it is. hahaha.. never cooked for like.. 4 - 6 mths lor. den.. so i washed the frying pan.. blah blah blah.. den couldnt find a spatula, so used a wooden 1.. put the margarine.. put the eggs.. den.. i cook lah! den WAHLAO! cannot find.. soya sauce. sux. only had coarse black pepper. YUXK. anw, i put it in. made it half cooked, because i like it like dat. but thing is, when i eat it ah.... er... it SUXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX!!!!!

hahah! seriously, man! it LOOKS LIKE PHLEGM! ... ergh. why did i eat it. omg.=.= .... oh well. last time, i cook, is dam nice 1.... really dam nice!!!.. well, ice as compared to now lah. :) ... hahahas. well. yux. :P i cant cook for nuts.. failed my home econ 1.. think i got f9 for 1 grade.. hmmn. hahaha!!! theres only 3 things i can cook. eggs,*last time anw* , instant noodles, and er.. nth. haha,. ok. 2 things. i cant even toast bread! it always ends up chao ta... whatever i toast forever chao ta.. even if i stand outside the toaster and wait, it ends up undertoasted or BLACK! ..
...
yuxk.

haiya. zz

2008-02-23T23:52:00.000+08:00

helloz.
tired.
tired and angry.
argh. well.
what to do?
i'll be dead soon.

2008-02-22T17:10:00.002+08:00

i dont wanna go on because i cannot see where im going, and i dont wanna run blind..

thats what i told my drum cher.. well.
i see no more purpose in my life. its so routine. i try and make it interesting, and.. well. :)right now, im facing one of the worst days in my LIFE. so bad dat i dont wanna go back to it. well. what to do. wtf to do. im lonely. im like dat. im self centered..

another thing i said to my cher is dat, i only see 2 reasons to live..
1. i wanna one day want to love unconditionally and feel loved in return.. friendships, relationships..
2. i have to support my ma nxt time... she v. poor thing 1
...
i feel like dying. i did try... i just.. cannot do it.. i cannot fight this fight, i cannot finish this race..

ppl will mock at me, saying of course you cant finish since you said you cant..
well. is that true? idk. maybe.. im making an effort. its nt big, but its a start.. im sorry that my effort isnt a big one, but its gonna gradually get bigger so long i dont get depressed again.. everytime i sink into depression its like my life is ... haiz
miserable..
im feeling alone in this world.
haiz..

2008-02-21T20:35:00.003+08:00

flying

falling

into yet another abyss.

haiz..
hahas

SUDDENLY I FEEL HIGH!!!!
OK
i don feel like being "soulful.."

hahas.. the photo shoot.. 3 pictures from sterotypes dat involved me :P 1 of dem sux.. i mean, my face looks like a circle. =.= zzz.... hahhahaha!!!

anw, dis is the 1 dat ppl say v. cool :P

NICE?!?!
:D

so pai seh. i got 1 photo of me dam ugly 1!!!! so sad. haiyoz. hahahaha. oh well... zzz... i don look good in photos generally, so dis is a big surprise for me! :D

hahaha!!!

2008-02-21T19:22:00.002+08:00

haha.
talking to ppl i dislike is uber hard man.
hahahahas... well. what to do. dats life!
hahas. so many ppl.. argh..
zzz irritating.
anw, the photoshoot was partly a success, partly a failure. im sad, cuz i look like a mushroom face in one of the pics... hahahas. so funy. im not relaly photogenic anw. :) but thx , james for uploading it! :D

hahas.
well..come to think of it.. Z2h is drawing to an end.. and my band hasnt been able to play finish the 2 songs we're playing on 15 march.. shit man. gonna have to work DAM hard. :)
im addicted to ban mian..

2008-02-20T06:50:00.002+08:00

sian.
eyelid like
got problem..
eye dam pain oso..
its like hard leh.. wahlao. it swell or what idk. i just pray it goes away faster. because now i don dare wear contacts. =.=
argh.. its so irritating.. why must my eyes have problem.. wahlao..

2008-02-19T23:23:00.002+08:00

hahas.
i have an urge to eat ban mian..
anw,
finished the dam rose..
it looks weird. well. my friend said it was nice :)
so im happy!
tomorrow is lit and science exam. too lazy to study. argh. zzz
redoing my art hw. anw, going to zzz nw :)
nite

2008-02-19T00:13:00.003+08:00

HEYA!

another sleepless night.

haha

no lar...

im simply not tired..

spent quite long doodling on a rose. wanted to colour something, nth to colour. so found a pic of a rose online, and drew it out. i dont have a scanner, so the closest i have to putting it here is hp camera. and abit of editing wit microsoft word to change the brightness and contrast. because my hp camera quality very sucks. :)

its.. well. i was bored :)

its not really dat nice, huh. better in real life. :P

alwin,i know how you feel.

2008-02-18T20:47:00.002+08:00

hahas. come to think of it..
my heart used to hurt alot..
i used to be troubled alot, tortured.. in my thinking i suppose..
i mean.. hahahas. i dont think he has any clue that i felt the same way hes feeling nw..
well. its ok. im over it. had to. it killed me. then again, maybe he knows. well. dosent matter, hahas.. its ok. im ok. he can know.

HAAA!! NO HE CANT!!!!
=.=
argh.
....

well. all i wanted was to help ..and.. argh. why am i posting this in a blog. its supposed to be a diary entry. argh. heck. =.= .... well.. it really killed me. i mean.. i felt.. haiz. cannot say. all the f words come out. anyway, because of dat, i guess i misunderstand easily.. have to put safety lock ard my heart next time. cannot fall le. cannot make the same mistakes. =.= argh. frustrating. dosent matter.. oh well. it made me hate as well. haiz. sad.

used to always blog to tell myself things would ok, get up again when i fall. i have to. im emotional. yes. im egoistic too, apparently, that im blogging this. haha. i dont much care. im learning. making mistakes.. trying. if it dosent work, i know i tried. its ok. :) i'll tell myself that. i hope my friends dont judge me based on my mistakes alone.. hahas. i have to give up on it.. :) i did!

its the past anw. im not gonna remember, because the scars will never fade, and thats a fact. they stop hurting, but never fade. haiz
sad..
oh well.

i thank God i have friends who care for me and <3 me. im not like other ppl, i know. im weird. i know. its ok. i tell myself its ok. hahas. issit taking pride in the wrg things? i dont much see how, hahas. eli, sayang sayang. :)

time to study. a maths and english exam tomorrow. i need to do well, because in o lvl, i dont have cca points to pull up my grade. i NEED good marks. time to study!

2008-02-18T20:29:00.002+08:00

lol..
things have been going fast lately..
i guess.. well. we didnt do the right thing .. as in, nth lah. but.. haiz. how to say.. =.= zzzz
i dont know.. ive wronged him, hes wronged me.. has he? .. i dont know.. i've wronged him. oh well.
whats done is done, thanks, robin, for understanding .. but.. well, i owe you.. i owe you i owe you i owe you.. haiz.. =.= im uber confused nw.

anyway, as things go.. sunday was a hectic morning.. well. yeah thats it. hahas. sunday.. well, got up, he was downstairs.. yeah. den.. well, took a bus tgt. he went home, i went to lesson. so qiao dat we both take 145. :) well, yeah. stopped somewhere to buy food. hungry! haven eat breakfast. den.. well, went for lesson :) was kinda early, because saw valerie, isma, janice, eunice, and ehh. i forgot your name. hahas. sorry. anyway, saw them at the staircase.. .. sit down.. got powder on the floor! haha. isma's butt full wit it . hahaha :P almost typoed on isma's butt and wrote isma's bust. hahaha. sick. =.= well. thats why i love being in a all gers sch. can talk about any random subj :) hahas. anyway, after dat, realised dat there were people down there setting up lights and camera before lesson. so we went for lesson! :) haha. 2 songs decided, starlight and sos!!! lol the funniest thing happened, i was playing the starlight intro, den isma played built to last on her cue!!! :D haha! every1 was laughing like siao lar! :P

hahahaha..now say its not funny le.. anw, today i kanaed in house suspension.. sian! ... at least the cher let us still take exams.. though no heart to do it. sian. haha. i need maths tuition. :) sian

k. no mood to blog. took me about 3 or 4 hours to finish art hw. yest, and today. the paint hardened in the palette, so i added water, so use again hahahaha. :)

at least it wasnt acrylic. :) den it wouldnt stain clothes... hahaha. ppl dono think i spill things on it. come to think of it, i did. paint :P

2008-02-17T02:31:00.003+08:00

yes, i feel torn. i feel like a part of me is.. well. i've done something i hate doing, let someone down..i take the blame, its my fault, not his..

i guess.. well, i've never felt loved like that..always thought i was a burden to people 1 .. and.. he was there for me.. i suppose i felt that that was love.. i dont know what is love.. i just wanna do the right thing.. i guess when im more mature, i'll know.. robin, im truly sorry. i'd i honestly dont know how the whole situation started.. its just.. well.. happy times.. and... well, you were the 1st person to care for me until like dat. i really had the time of my life, spending it wit you.. you made me feel like all the hurts didnt matter.. i could just forget every bad thing. then.. time passed.. and suddenly.. when you asked me to do things.. i felt compelled, forced, to do it.. maybe i didnt know how to say no... i was afraid, robin, im sorry.

why am i making this public.. i dont know.. you said your past on your blog, i guess now its my turn to speak my mind..

well. sometimes i felt you were using me, sometimes i felt that i was forced to do what you want, because you always said i wanna die i wanna die.. and.. well, i was afraid you'd really die. well. i cant remember what happened.

thank you, beacuse you were a friend.. you comforted me alot when i was down.. you lifted me up.. i cried like i didnt for a really long time. the last time i remember some1 being there for me when i cried until like dat was siew. dat was 2 or 3 years ago at a cg chalet.. other times i cried i was alone.. you made me happy. you made me feel loved. and.. well, i suppose thats how things got out of hand. you made me feel loved. i thought that was love. and i dont know whether it is. but i cant love you back.. and.. well, its no point lying to you, or to myself.. i simply Cannot love you back, so its really best you forget about me.. im sorry that im rejecting you.. but.. i cant.. its just.. i cant. i realised.. that love i felt.. its more like a brother rather then anything else.. like a close friend.. and im sorry i misled you.. it didnt occur to me till recently that.. well.. that i dont see a future wit you. im sorry, but yeah. robin.. i know its too late to apologize.. because the hurt is alr there. and i cant erase it. but if i continue, things will just get worse, because i'll end up hurting you even more. and i dont want to hurt you.. you dont deserve that..

and i dont deserve what you've given me.. im.. well.. im an asshole..
im sorry.
i was wrong.
im sorry..
i misled you into thinking something was when it wasnt..
for that im sorry the most..
i misled you.. i mean.. well. i thought that things would .. well. i dont know what words to use. but... you'd know above all.

im .. sorry..

just now, when you said you wanted to die.. i really didnt know what to do.. because it would be my fault.. i guess the only thing i can do is ask God to protect you.. yes, i know it sounds corny.. but seriously, i dont seem to be able to change things anymore.. i want you to be happy, and im not the girl to make you happy.. i dont understand you, robin. please take care of yourself....

2008-02-16T00:06:00.003+08:00

i dont know what to do anymore..
i feel torn..

well. i thought today would be a good day, and yes, it was. until now.
i really dont know what to do.. i thought it was the best thing for both sides.. *haha. sounds like a war.* oh well. i dont understand anything.
.. i just cant get it into my head..
haiz
im always getting pushed into doing this, into doing that.. without any idea of what is going on. guess its time to take control of my life. well. i have no idea.
all i can ever say is i dont know huh. i never know.
i never know what i will never know.. why cant life just be simple.. then it would be boring. guess i should not care about everything. isnt the best way to not get hurt in the end. i feel shredded now. any idea how sucky that feels? .. this isnt the worst time i cried.. i mean.. haiz.. i dont know..

there.. a i dont know again..
im getting irritated with myself :)
well, then again, i dont much like myself.
arh.

life is filled with hurts.. i have no idea what im causing.. but yeah.

2008-02-14T23:32:00.004+08:00

happy valentines day :)
haha. happy birthday, valerie :)

today.. alot things happened dat pissed me off, and alot of things happened that made me happy. but i dont have enough time now to do finish homework, so i'll be a notty ger :) haha. lame. huh. hahahas. oh well. today drum lesson totally wasnt lesson lor. i brought my sticks for nth. cher taught me GUITAR! haha. power chords. chim to me, easy to the rest of the world

OH YA!
yesterday, i got the 2nd highest for a science test, together wit some other ppl, the class clapped for me :) ... hahahas.. and today, i got the highest for a compo! hahas. im so happy. i spent 2 hours researching for it. :)
PTL

he surprised me.. i mean.. haiz. i felt really bad lah. because.. of confusion on what to do.. peoples opnions, these kinda thing.. anyway, Thanks, for the card, the poem, the present. i owe you. :)
maybe things werent that bad after all.then again.. im still lost, confused, inferior, doubtful.. haiya. don wanna go on.

2008-02-12T07:34:00.000+08:00

i don wanna waste anymore of my life.. is this is what its forever gonna be, might as well die now..
heaven knows how sucky everything ends up.
i dont wanna.
i dont wanna i dont wanna i dont wanna......
just leave me alone can le.
:)
im happy enough, happy enough to say i dont want this life, take me away, kill me, slaughter me, hantam me, anything. i dont care. so long i dont have to wake up anymore.

i know how alone i am... like.. i mean.. haiz.. what to do.. if im unwanted.. im just extra, huh? kik me out.. let me die.. let me die let me die.. idk what happened..
but i cant die.......................
and theres no more purpose anymore...
no1 seems to give a shit..
typical

2008-02-11T20:44:00.001+08:00

i wish i knew what i was getting into
.. feeling super lost now..
haiz
does it matter?
....

well. i dont wanna drag things.
because dragging hurts even more..

haiya
so sick of posting nonsense.. i thought..
well. guess im not important after all...
haiz..

2008-02-11T14:24:00.000+08:00

my heart feels heavy..
i mean, literally, i feel like a weight is crushing me..
idk why..
what alwin said that day..
i dont know..
if it was any other day i'd have cried alot..
well.. im surprised.. i alwiz thought.. that people loved others with a motive behind it. like everything they do, they expect something in return.. they expect to see results, expect you to do things for them.. i dont know.. thats just what i feel.. but.. haiz.. i dont know ..

beginning to see my life from a third person's point of view..
and its living hell
i mean.. yes, i do have friends, i do have people that care for me.. but ...haiz.. i dont know.. in the past, seems like every friend i ever had took advantage of me.. because i couldnt say no.. my whole primary sch life, i found it really hard to say NO to people.. valerie said this, "youre like a slave to everyone" ... anyway, i disagree wit dat.

well.. my life seems to have lost its purpose.. i cant remember who hurt me, i cant remember how, i only know it happened. and i cant let go just yet. ... will i ever?

i've always kept things inside.. i accepted people for who they were, i didnt hate any1? but.. i was quiet, i was lonely, i didnt dare to be myself.. what was it. all i wanted was to be accepted? .. i can never be accepted..... i guess skin colour was always an issue.. well.. dosent matter.. haiz.. i hope this crushing feeling goes soon.. its.. not v. nice.

anyway, yesterday, mavarick came back :) really happy bout that.. i mean.. hes like a big brother to me.. a big brother i never had.. and.. my whole life, i guess i'll never know what having a sibling is like.

then again, i hate my life.

2008-02-10T08:13:00.000+08:00

so many roads, which to choose, where to go from here..
as time passes.. they slowly diminish.. dey disappear..

and.. i'll be left with one..
forever, that one..
so its up for me to decide Now, which to choose?

i suppose..
28 scars that i counted. anyway , they are healing now. its not as red. so wasted. later might cab down to service. i mean, .. haiz.. then again.. i dont think i should.. worth it? the last time i felt really out of place when dey did that because of my race. anyway, i always felt inferior because of my race.. because of.. well.. i mean, i Dont belong here, neither there. so..... yeah.. rojak blood isnt dat fun 1..

haiz. =.= ......
eventually every1 will be rojak....
what to do.
thats EVENTUALLY!.
now is now..

i feel like shit man.. wish i could remember those things of my past.
all lost le.
like some idiot go empty the recycling bin in my cpu
=.=
haiz.
sad

anyway, nid to rush off for lesson liaoz.
what to do?
die lor
..

2008-02-09T22:43:00.000+08:00

yest night had 2 more stupid dreams.
why ah...
i love dreaming, i love sleeping..
but WHY DO I DREAM SO MUCH!
if only i can learn from algernon.. control your dream 1.. like.. know that youre dreaming..
not let events pass you by
=.=

i can do anything sia!

hahas. why are ppl so pessimistic?
duh. because not optimistic.

tomorrow will be a good day? :)
1. i have lesson
2. I GETTING MY BIBLE BACK!
3. WOOT! :D cant say...
4. I CAN GO FOR SERVICE ON TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! not just on time, EARLY!!!! don nid cab down
:)

2008-02-08T23:37:00.000+08:00

http://www.dreammoods.com/

time to figure out all my dreams that i remember..

- losing my eyes..
To see your own eyes in your dream, represents enlightenment, knowledge, comprehension, understanding, and intellectual awareness. Unconscious thoughts may be coming onto the surface. The left eye is symbolic of the moon, while the right eye represents the sun. It may also be a pun on "I" or the self. If you dream that your eyes have turned inside your head and you can now see the inside of your head, then it symbolizes insight and something that you need to be aware of. This dream may be literally telling you that you need to look within your self. Trust your intuition and instincts.
To dream that you have something in your eye, represents obstacles in your path. Alternatively, it may represent your critical view and how you tend to see faults in others.
To dream that you have one eye, indicates your refusal to accept another viewpoint. It suggests that you are one-sided in your ways of thinking.
To dream that your eyes are injured or closed, suggests your refusal to see the truth about something or the avoidance of intimacy. You may be expressing feelings of hurt, pain or sympathy.
To dream that you have crossed eyes, denotes that you are not seeing straight with regards to some situation. You may be getting your facts mixed up.

-SAND MONSTER/OCTOPUS MONSTER
Chase dreams often stem from feelings of anxiety in your walking life. The way we respond to anxiety and pressure in real life is typically manifested as a chase dream. Running is an instinctive response to physical threats in our environment. Often in these dream scenarios, you are being pursued by some attacker, who wants to hurt or possibly kill you. You are running away, hiding, or trying to outwit your pursuer. Chase dreams may represent your way of coping with fears, stress or various situations in your waking life. Instead of confronting the situation, you are running away and avoiding it.Ask yourself who is the one chasing you(SAND MONSTER!!!!!!) and you may gain some understanding and insight on the source of your fears and pressure(THREW BANANAS AT ME).The pursuer or attacker who is chasing you in your dream may also represent a part of yourself. Your own feelings of anger, jealousy, fear, and possibly love, can assume the appearance of threatening figure(AGAIN, SAND MONSTER!). You may be projecting these feelings onto the unknown chaser. Next time you have a chase dream, turn around and confront your pursuer. Ask them why they are chasing you.One may be consumed by their own anger, jealousy, love, or self-destructive behavior. For example, you may be drinking too much or exhibiting open hostility toward others around you. You may subconsciously be threatened by these actions which have been jeopardizing your relationships and/or career. Your dreams are a way of calling attention to these self-destructive actions.A more direct analysis of chase dreams is the fear of being attacked. Such dreams are more common among women than men, who may feel physically vulnerable in the urban environment. These dreams are inspired by fears of violence and sexual assault in which we are so over-exposed from the media. The violence that the media portrays magnifies our fears and how at risk we all are.

-BC CHINA ~paralysed
Dreams of being paralyzed are not only common, but reflects the state that you body is in when you are dreaming. The phenomenon is referred to as sleep paralysis, REM paralysis, or sleep immobility. This paralysis occurs to prevent you from actually acting out your dreams. Although the�scenario varies, the theme is the same. You may try to run and find that you cannot move your legs. Or you may try to scream, but nothing comes out. Symbolically, your paralysis may be rooted in your anger and frustration. You may be so angry at someone that you actually try to raise your arm during your sleep, but fail to do so.�The slow motion imagery in a dream proves also to be a significant component. You need to re-think and justify your actions and determine if your waking situation is being exaggerated. Perhaps you need to find some psychological and emotional middle-ground.

haiya. too lazy to find others.
lets see.
i've dreamt of

LOSING MY EYES
sand monster
octopus monster
pokemon
going fishing
cg going somewhere.. celebrating some1's bdae i think
pb throwing popcorn/pillows at my face
dreamt of vincent diluting wine in a pet shop, some1 buying hamster
dreamt of the cheena village, paralysis
jiaying's shoulder
ma got threatened in a bus
dreamt a ship sank, cousin cha yi dian died...
err.. dreamt i was inuyasha/kagome
dreamt of tommy and vivian in kfc/burger king at expo
dreamt of alwin and jonathan? or huishan... dono where. some ulu place
dreamt of the soon to be z2h
whole cg going toilet
playground in the house
floating around wit a chair stuck to my ass =.=
wartime.. ww2/ww1.. some woman wit 1 eye

the rest forgot le...

2008-02-08T18:49:00.001+08:00

haiya
everything hurts lah.

i just.. i dont know....well. whatever..
i know im not important,
nothing any1 says or does will ever make me feel impt..
its just a mentality..
its just a mindset..
putting myself down..

for?
no idea.
always been like that
.......................

i just wanna know im...
haiz..
it dosent matter..

if i cant rant here, where can i rant. expectations are always destroyed, hopes are always crushed, nobody gives a shit?! whats the point of this ... im the one thats gonna suffer from this, arent i? never felt more alone.. well. i know how alone i am now i guess. things arent different
..

they arent different... i just never realised this till now.. well.. who am i to judge. everytime i wanna cry, i cry alone.. everything i do, im always alone.. if not physically, then emotionally.. because i dont let people in? perhaps. i dont dare to. i dont want to. i wanna end my life.. but i cant.. i cant do anything i wanna do.. how often have i said that..

it never matters.. it will NEVER matter. its not worth it anyway. i cry to myself... look down on me all you want.. i've had enough of it.. given up caring.. what issit i have to give to feel a sense of acceptance? ... i give up.. its.. haiz.. i give up..

feel like shouting, "ELIZ. WAKE UP. WAKE UP AND SEE THE THORNS IN YOUR LIFE." pick them up, throw them away. dont care about them!? .... thats all they are.. thorns.. there goes my future, there goes my past.. there goes the past sowed into the future, which will never come to pass.. because i disallow it.. i dont want anything to do with this..

if i asked to be left alone, does it change anything? im ALWAYS ALONE.. .. .. . . . ..

as usual, this makes no sense.

am i ok..
what if i said no..

2008-02-08T17:29:00.000+08:00

seems like my blog posts all revolve around something..
i mean, i am typing what i feel at the moment, but..
i dont know how to explain..

its like..they are kinda depressing.. haha

theres so many excuses i can find for 1 small thingy.. but i'll never carry out my 100, 1000 , 10000 excuses... thats all they ever are, excuses.. telling me, but i didnt force myself to do this, i didnt expect that to happen.. im in no position to even speak,man..

well..
as usual, im getting ignored. get used to it over time. im not bothered anymore. ok, i was lying.. haaa..

what to do lah... i mean.. i dont have anything to look forward to. every day is merely a routine, a chore. i dont wanna go home, i dont wanna leave home.. i dont wanna live!... well. thats my fault too. no, i didnt choose the family i was born in, but i can change it, cant i? if not them, myself, cant i?

suicide is destroying the 1 person you can actually change.. but i don wanna change.. stubbornness.. who cares. im sick and tired of living this lie.. i cant wait for sunday. FINALLY GET MY BIBLE BACK! and something else great too. finally..
i feel like crying...

i need to be aware of the fact.. i am 14.. merely 14.. its.. a pathetic age.. i dont belong here, neither do i belong there.. in school, there are so many rumours flying around and so much gossip i want nothing to do with.. theres so many images people try to create, that i try to avoid.. and yet.. well.. i dont know.. i cant say. anything.

i dont wanna blog nonsense anymore.
if i say that, it means i'll never blog again. everything i type IS after all, nonsense.
you mean, this makes sense? nothing makes sense..
what is religion.. what is faith.. what is life, what is death,, what is afterlife, what is friends, what is this, what is that,
....

2008-02-08T07:48:00.000+08:00

its too late to apologize..
not that you did anyway...

what may it seem to be on the surface..
typical?
was telling valerie bout it.. she said its worse then chnl 8 drama serial'
haha. that brought a few laughs..

anyway.. i dont have to see them for .. say 3 months, so im gonna rejoice. know what? it wasnt worth it... going to see them yest.. yeah.

im afraid, know? im scared of my future.. because... well.. i dont know.. i dont know why am i even alive. i asked my ma.. she gave me a really deep answer that im not sure whether i can believe.. i mean.. she keeps saying to herself , and i overhear, why issit wicked people have 4 kids and can manage, why is my kid so difficult...

i asked her bout that.. she said i'd always been difficult.. from my birth till now.. well.. what was i born for.. i mean.. if all i can do is bring people pain, then why am i alive? .... i dont deserve my life.. i mean.. my ma taught me so much.. but.. i cant seem to repay her.. well, not now at least...

i cant even take care of my life, how to take care of others...

... and if i dwell in these thoughts.. i'll just start emoing again... im gonna get out while i still can... i meant what i said, how many months ago.. i dont ever wanna be away from God ever again... because if i am, i'll lean on myself.. i'll do what i think is right... and my judgement is almost always wrong.. thing is, i cant cope on my own.. tried, failed. failed miserably...

maybe thats why i cant stand people mocking my religion... its like mocking me.. its like.. no, it IS mocking my God.. and.. i cant forget that..

then again.. i feel so away from God..
not for long i hope :)

2008-02-07T19:30:00.001+08:00

what to do..
seriously feel like puking.. stummuch ache until wanna die oso cannot die..
haiya..
at least have panadol...
and as usual, they won care 1..
haiya
cny is like 1 big act in front of ... haiz
.. nevermind
anyway
at least could download maple on dis comp
bad thing, is that the patcher cannot load..

i have seriously nth to do 1

2008-02-07T15:55:00.000+08:00

haiya. today is so not a god day...
head dam pain, for one thing..
woke up at 6+
been online till now..

thought would have to go amah house
in the end.. not that early
what the heck did i wake up for sia
feel like puking... =.=

haiz..... i dont know why everytime now, i always feel like.. i dont know lah.. like wan die oso cannot die na ge gan jue..

i really really dont wanna see deir faces... go there...i mean, i know in their eyes, im nothing... im not even purely chinese, am i like a mongrel to them? someone who belongs neither here nor there... some1 who isnt important .. some1 who just... well.. i dont know.. i hate my family. im not impt on my mother's side, neither am i on my fathers side.. i miss my grandfather, but hes dead... i miss my ma, but she has more impt things to worry about. i miss the past, but the past was all a lie.

seems like everything was a lie.. everything was done for a motive.. theres no such thing as unconditional in their vocabulary. i mean.. come on. issit fair that because im never gonna carry the family name, even if i was a boy, i'd not be loved as much as that some1 who can? theres only 1 person who can... and i cant curse him.. no matter how much i want to.... haiz.. why issit so hard to stay mature in my thinking.. why issit so hard to say no to everything i wanna do.. why do i have to accept things that happen to me, and not get back... if i get back i'll just get another scolding, wont i. im the oldest after all. im the least impt after all... whack their face lah.

now have to go there. oh, how much i wanna scream NO!! I DON wANNA SEE YOUUU I HATE YOU< I WANNA SEE YOU BURN IN THE DEPTHS OF HELL.... and i cant curse them... im not supposed to curse them.. love your enemies.. issit always this hard? im so not looking forward to seeing their ugly faces..

looking at shit is better then looking at them, man.. its so unfair. the wicked get everything. haha. as if im v. good like that. but seems like im getting battered up emotionally because of it, while nth happens to them.. they just live happy, carefree lives. maybe because i cant let go. they have nth to let go of. they have the advantage.. im just another outkast..

I HATE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
haiya.. sigh..
what can i do?

2008-02-07T14:47:00.001+08:00

time and time again i have to remind myself to stay strong despite the circumstances.. but seems like everytime i remind myself, i just wanna cry out... i cant be like that forever, i cant just let things pass me by.. it hurts.. i cant ignore it.. yet if i face it it will be worse? i dont know... but i guess i've been holding inside these feelings for so long.. i dont know how to let them out.. and if i do, no1 is there to comfort me... issit because i dont trust anyone enough to let them in? fear of getting hurt again and again? ... i feel so battered.. where can i go to find peace , where can i go to find rest.. the place i thought i could go to.. now seems so far away.. seems like it dosent matter.. but have no other choice.. where else can i turn

on the outside, how would anyone know, how would anyone be aware of it.. it dosent matter.. everyone has problems.. i just dont know how to deal with mine

2008-02-07T06:58:00.001+08:00

wahh... slept for like.
15 hours..
wit 5 , 10 mins interval X]
tired..
....
im wanna die now..
hair is a mess
everything is a mess
i hate cny...

2008-02-06T13:21:00.000+08:00

wan die oso cannot die...........
wan type properly oso cannot.. do anything immediately die.........................................
cannot embarass myself, cannot be myself.. i dont know what is worse..
its like i alone is this...
torture..

lol. dey dont dare to admit, when i do things nicer then them 1. like sore loser. i'll never forget sia. asssholes..... think dey really that great 1... haiya long story... if i do anything right, i'll not even be noticed 1

ah gong oso wont care. only have eyes for deir side.. why? long story... simple, dey wont like me because im mother's side.. i change or what i get no like... encouragement.. no its not a good word, i dont get any like... aknowledgement 1....

its like im invisible.. grows to get used to it.. im nt impt 1..
in their eyes, im better off dead....

life is unfair sia..
i wanna stab them... like deir so great
my ass sia
...

2008-02-06T13:06:00.001+08:00

im in the worst possible place,
wit the worst possible ppl. its torture.
like hell or what
i HATE cny sia
if it werent for the ang pao
....
zzzz
hate my dam family
so sucky....

should have known the favouritism would be this bad..
like hell
effing hell
wan type seriously oso cannot
wahlao
dono what else to do sia
....stupid family. ask dem all die. grrrrr
angry angry angry angry angry angry
if only i can take a knife and stab their throats and watch their black blood ooze out
that will finally make me happy :)

2008-02-06T13:06:00.000+08:00

im in the worst possible place,
wit the worst possible ppl. its torture.
like hell or what
i HATE cny sia
if it werent for the ang pao
....
zzzz
hate my dam family
so sucky
....

2008-02-06T03:53:00.000+08:00

i can never forget, yet will i ever remember
sometimes i guess certain things happen, and i will never know why.
i'll never understand myself..no matter how hard i try to grasp the things that made me turn out this way, i cant remember them.. maybe because it wasnt my past.. i'll never understand anything... how? i've been taught everything happens for a reason... im trying to find that reason, and yet i keep losing it... theres that emptiness.. that.. i dono how to explain.. its.. some void in my collection of memories.. one great big Blank.. issit because of that i became this way? dont know! i dont remember! .... somehow i just dont feel like i can connect to anyone else this way... its like.. haiz..

well.. if i keep saying i Dont remember, i DONT understand.. i DONT wanna... how many times am i gonna say

2008-02-06T03:34:00.000+08:00

i'd rather dream of anything else!!
it reminds me too much of the past..this dream..

WHY COULDNT IT BE THE BANANA MONSTER OF OCTOPUS MONSTERRR>..
at least dey don affect me directly.. T.T" jiuming!!!
i cant remember the last time i had a dream that wasnt a nightmare..
no matter how dumb the banana monster or octopus monster sounds, they were night mares.. i woke up afraid.. now im dam scared of my eye.. im dam scared i lose it.. wont forget that feeling.. its like.. it fell through my mouth leh... wahlao.. den i walked to my ma.. she was on the phone.. den i spit it out... she helped me immediately... but scary thing is that i could still see through that eye socket... blur images...
T.T"
i remember everything exactly lah!!!!
...
i dont wanna be tormented in my dreams! im tormented ENOUGH in real life to say i DONT want this!
now my eye v. itchy...
i dono how.. but could force myself to wake up... did i know i was dreaming?
its scary.. i don wanna sleep le.. i just wana stay at home and die..............is death this scary? if it is.. i don wanna die le. im gonna treasure my life like SHIT....nth will make me die!!! im scared..

im scared im SCARED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-02-06T03:21:00.000+08:00

im scared.. im scared. im scared...

just wokeup.. from some stupid nightmare....
its so realisitic...'
i lost my eye.. T.T"

i dono lah.. i was on the way to lesson in my ma's new car.. den.. i dono lah... i remember not being able to decide on what to buy at sweet talk... den... i dono.. i put some contact wit funny funny texture in my left eye... den the thing..became.. loose.. my eye ball became loose!!!!!! became cockeyed! its like if i pulled the eye lid in my dream.. it wasnt connected into my eye anymore.. i saw behind the eye... T.T" im scared... im scared im scared im scared!!!!!1
i dont wanta remember anymore!!!

i dono!
im scared!!!
..
T.T"
its like.. i dono how lah! i bit my eye! my teeth ended up at the back of the eye ball blood vessel den my eye fell out half broken through my mouth!!! IM SCARED!!!!!

i was really scared it was really..forced myself to wake up...
im awake now..
im scared im scared im scared.. its like.. 3am..
i dont like sleeping anymore..
i dont wanna dream anymore
i dont wan i don wan i don wan
i dont wan i dont want i DONT WANT!?!!!!!!!
im scared!!! T.T"

THANK GOD ITS JUST A DREAM!
...
T.T"

i don dare to go back to sleep now.. dis is why minority report scared me until dam jialat.. its almost the exact same thing.. im scared.. im scared im scared im scared

2008-02-05T23:12:00.000+08:00

"If you get there before I do
Don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be

But I'm not gonna let you down
Darling wait and see
And between now and then Til I see you again
I'll be loving you
Love, Me."

So I say a little prayer
And hope my dreams will take me there
Where the skies are blue, to see you once again... my love.
All the seas from coast to coast
To find the place I Love The Most
Where the fields are green, to see you once again...

flipsyde.. happy birthday..
Please accept my apologies, wonder what would have been
would you have been a little angel? or an angel of sin?
tom-boy running around, hanging with all the guys?
or a little tough boy with beautiful brown eyes?
paid for the murder befor they had determined the sex
choosing our life over your life meant your death
and you never got a chance to even open your eyes
sometimes I wonder as a fetus if you fought for your life?

Would you have been a little genius, in love with math?
Would you have played in your school clothes and made me mad?
would you have been a little rapper like your poppa the piper?
would you have made me quit smoking by finding one of my lighters?
I wonder about your skintone and shape of your nose
and the way you would have laughed and talked fast or slow
I think about it every year, so I picked up a pen
Happy birthday, I love you whoever you would have been

Happy birthday
What I thought was a dream
make a wishwas as real as it seemed
I made a mistake

I got a million excuses, as to why you died
and other people got their own reasons for homocide
who's to say it would have worked
and who's to say it wouldn't have
I was young and struggling, but old enough to be a dad
the fear of being my father has never disappeared
I ponder it frequently while I'm sipping on my beer
my vision of a family was artificial and fake
so when it came time to create I made a mistake
now you got a little brother, maybe it's really you
maybe you really forgave us knowing we was confused
maybe, every time that he smiles
it's you proudly knowing that your father is doing the right thing now
I never tell a woman what to do with her body
but if she don't love children then we can't party
I think about it every year so I picked up a pen
Happy birthday, I love you whoever you would have been

i can never forget...and i'll never remember..
i can NEVER FORGET AND I'LL NEVER REMEMBER!
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW FRUSTRATING THAT IS

2008-02-05T22:18:00.000+08:00

LOLLLL O.O
got the thingy out of my eye :0
its like.. 2 cm long leh. that strand. stuck to the side. how did i remove it? ... so dumb. it was sticking out. so i pulled :) .... den its like.. felt something sliding past my eye lah. so er xin... anw, PTL! its gone! i was so worried it go to the back of my eye lah... rem zzz dat time i scared it scratch my eye. =.= zzz

anyway, today followed ma driving :) she just passed her driving test.. so me and pa go for a drive.. i think so pa go pressurise her lor! haha! TURN LEFT TURN RIGHT DONT SIT SO CLOSE THE WHEEL HIGH BEAM LOW BEAM haha!!!

went to seletar.. see the old rented house my parents used to live in. 600 a mth. it looks more like a chalet then a house leh.. i mean.. ULU..______....

hahaha
PTL! things arent that bad after alll..

2008-02-05T10:37:00.000+08:00

all my life..
i just want to know for sure things will be okay?
i want to know my future is in good hands.. i want to know everythings gonna be alright.. but things are never alright.. things will never stay alright.. and i worry.. i worry and worry and worry.. its something i cant live without.. how to not worry..

im afraid of the worst possible scenario... i dont want anything bad to happen to the people close in my heart.. i love them like i love myself.. like i love God.. and if anything ever happens to them, i dont know what i'd do.. but i cant ask them to remain unprotected their whole lives.. they have their own life to live, as do i..

oh ya. theres a hair strand stuck in my eye, from yesterday till now, that i somehow cant take out, but thats unrelated to the point... anyway, im worried.. because it went to the back of my eye i think...HOW TO TAKE OUT! ... cried just because of fear just now.. if i go blind den i'll die lor. what to do. i dont wanna die....

if i die.. well.. calvin said yesterday.. if you sit down and think about it.. theres way more reasons to live then to die... or something like that. well.. i have time.. for the 1st time in a while, i have time for myself.. so i can think..

what reasons do i have to live..
my ma loves me.. i love her.. i dont wan her to be sad that im not there anymore.. her life is already bad enough.. but seems like im just being a burden to her.. she has so much problems already.. me being like this is just making things worse for her.. i cannot imagine my life without her.. she taught me so much.. she taught me how to love.. she taught me.. to sacrifice.. she taught me.. right and wrong... its just so complicated.. if we die together, i'll be ok wit that. den i dont have to worry about what she is gonna do when i die..

haiz.. but.. i dont want to live.. i really really dont see it worth it.. the thing i want more than anything is.. well.. to love and to feel loved in return.. not just intimate love.. but.. friendships that last.. family... my uncle aunty like hell lah.. i hate them man.. cousins.. just irritating.. ah gong amah.. i love them.. but i cant forgive them... pa.. i cant forgive him either..

i cant even begin to imagine what torture it must have been for her... the least i can do is not be a burden.. is that enough reason to stay alive? if not i dont wanna go on.. if shes gone i really dont wanna go on. no point. ... hope shes okay.

2008-02-05T10:25:00.000+08:00

i dont get why its unfair.. yet how can i help..

my life is merely a continuation?
is there such a word?
haha..

i dont want her to suffer anymore..
its love i can never understand.. that willingly, can suffer in some1 else's place..
no, its not fair.. whole life may seem worthless.. but how to change all that.. every family has problems.. theres no such thing as a happy home.. but we can try to get as close to happiness as possible :)

somethings i just dont understand, i can never understand.. i wish her life wouldnt be so sad.. i pray she dosent feel lonely anymore.. i pray for protection.. who am i that i should be a burden.. i dont want to remain a burden..

some1 heal her wounds.. they remain fresh..

2008-02-04T22:38:00.000+08:00

haha.. i owe you again.
shit man, i cant keep on oweing you lah! ...
hahas.
but thanks..

these 3 ppl..
Robin, Kim Weng, Calvin..

thanks, robin.. sorry i shouted at you. was talking to Kim Weng, he said,

Kin Weng says:
1 to 10
*eLiZ* the Best reason to live is because GOD gave you your life. But what if i dont want it says:
1 being feeling worst?
*eLiZ* the Best reason to live is because GOD gave you your life. But what if i dont want it says:
4
Kin Weng says:
alright
Kin Weng says:
*eLiZ* the Best reason to live is because GOD gave you your life. But what if i dont want it says:
yeah.. im ok lah.. i mean.. if you asked me 2 hours ago i'd have said 2.. so..
Kin Weng says:
wow
Kin Weng says:
how did you go from 2 to 4 in just 2 hours?
*eLiZ* the Best reason to live is because GOD gave you your life. But what if i dont want it says:
haha
*eLiZ* the Best reason to live is because GOD gave you your life. But what if i dont want it says:
cried
*eLiZ* the Best reason to live is because GOD gave you your life. But what if i dont want it says:
talked to some idiot
*eLiZ* the Best reason to live is because GOD gave you your life. But what if i dont want it says:
comforted me
*eLiZ* the Best reason to live is because GOD gave you your life. But what if i dont want it says:
Kin Weng says:
haha
Kin Weng says:
not bad
*eLiZ* the Best reason to live is because GOD gave you your life. But what if i dont want it says:
hhahas
Kin Weng says:
what did he (i assume) do to comfort u?
*eLiZ* the Best reason to live is because GOD gave you your life. But what if i dont want it says:
he ah? O.O
*eLiZ* the Best reason to live is because GOD gave you your life. But what if i dont want it says:
idk leh. issit a he or a she
Kin Weng says:
huh???
Kin Weng says:
haha
*eLiZ* the Best reason to live is because GOD gave you your life. But what if i dont want it says:
just called me.. i kinda shouted at him..... den.. he tried cheering me up..
Kin Weng says:
he JUST called?
Kin Weng says:
hahaha
Kin Weng says:
and you SHOUTED at him?
Kin Weng says:
cool

haha. thanks, robin.. for being there for me.. sorry i shouted at you.. sorry im always like this, always having mood swings, always being emotional. i dont know why i am. as far as i can remember, i've always been. well.. i think i am anyway :) thanks for spending 54:42 mins talking to me.. whats more, prepaid card... i feel really bad.. haha. sorry. really, sorry... but... appreciate it alot. :)

calvin.. youre words are .. always make me think 1.. thanks, teacher.. ...
"if u sit down and really think abt it .. there is way more reasons to live ... its outnumbers the reason not to. there is a difference between throwing away rubbish and sweeping them under the carpet dun know abt u .. but i prefer to throw away rubbish ...so i hope u r able to look at ur past and say to it .. its the past .. i have dealt with it .... i have let it go ..it not under the carpet :) .." yeah.. one day..
im gonna sit down and think.. about that...

kim weng.. haha.. kimberly :) idk lah. its easy to confide in you some stuff. thanks alot for your guidance. cher. haha ... thanks that you and calvin always ask me whats wrg 1.. i mean.. cher.. i dono lah. youre like my role model 1... :)

thanks..
today was a better day then i ever expected it to be

2008-02-04T20:08:00.000+08:00

notes from calvin.. "The best reason to live is because God gave your life"

what if i dont want to live.. what if i don wanna accept the fact that he gave me my life. its not worth it anymore.. i don wanna carry on... theres nothing waiting for me at the end, merely an abyss..

i dont understand..
i can never understand.

i know im uncared for.. i know that much.. im Not important.... nothing about me is important.. and if im just shunning everyone away, then how do i Not shun everyone awy...
so be it..
i dont know what to do anymore..

just take my life... any method oso can.. die die die.. i don wanna live..
i just dont understand..
why do i always face things like this..
why issit always aimed at me
why am i the one that has to go through this
valerie said
"youre like a slave to everyone"
what does everyone fucking want from me!

am i? i dont know..
i have a mind of my own..
i just apparently dont use it very much.

i don wanna go on..
its not worth it..
whatever hell my life ends up in,
it'll be better than this..

what the fuck is going on...

im tired of pretending things are okay, when they are not.. im tired of always being on my own, facing things on my own, im tired of expecting so much and having hopes crushed, leaving me broken.. i can never seem to cry it out.. im tired of trying to do the right thing, when i dont want to.. i dont ever want to.. i wanna scream, i wanna cry.. and yet who can i cry to.. the frustration is killing me..

no words can explain...

2008-02-04T15:01:00.000+08:00

its been a really harsh sunday and monday..
i mean.. ok.

SUNDAY
...
woke up early morning 8++ to meet valerie and isma at tiong, at 9... but thing is, i woke up late.. so i thought i would be late. was at redhill at 9.20. valerie called me, and i realised they were late too.. dey were on the same train as me. only janice was at macs.. .... well... ok. after that... went for lesson.. we were early, compared to garrick dat group.. his like showed up dono how late :P haha.. he came outside telling me "my group haven come yet!" ... funny. after we practised starlight and Sos, the instructor called us to tell us, that the 2nd song we decided to play, i don wanna miss a thing, is outside the z2h learning curve, aka, its impossible to be able to play in a mere four months.. in the case of the new guitarists, 2 months...

its really a big jump... and i don get why wanna overachieve like that.. but.. yeah.. den i was told that there would be lesson at 4-6.. i mean.. 10-11, 4-6... i wasnt previously informed... was told that some1 smsed me, i checked all my smses.. don have.. maybe my hp got problem or what.. but i never received it... checked all the way from last sunday till now. malu. O.O

den after lesson.. went downstairs.. while waiting for valerie, dey were planning a day to practise... eunice and sze wai said friday wld be a good day.. but i cant on friday. cell group.. den.. well... ppl started saying.. "why your religion always move day 1.. youre really into your religion, you know.. ..." and some other stuff i don wanna post.

well, yeah. i know. i have my reasons for being "into my religion.." .... but i was pissed off.. because i know im not doing a good job of following his word, but.. i was pissed off... so i walked off. .. . i mean.. de rest intended to stay there.. or till 2 at least. i din wanna waste my time. so i went home, brought my homework, and den went back... reached at abt 12.50? 5 mins later, before i could actually get any work done, valerie came out and said lets go. supposed to meet hilda at 1.30. it was raining, not only in my mood.

so we walked in the rain... i was already really pissed off... on the bus ride home just now, i was telling myself i cannot stay mad for long.. i mean.. im oso in the wrong.. its my prioritising.. i guess.. i don intend to miss cg or church, nor do i intend to miss practise... but if dey clash, my band is gonna know where my priorities are. not wit dem. if im free den ok lah.!!! .... ... haiz... what to do... walk walk..

because we intended to go shopping.. cny mah.. no new clothes yet.. hilda backed out, because only have time to shop for 1 hour. i don blame her. i mean, 1 hour might as well don bother going lah. can buy what. =.= den went to taka, wisma... far east.. all walk in the rain, dragging the umbrella we borrowed from the office... malu malu... =.= oh well. den we somehow idk whether wassit a misunderstanding or what, but we cancelled practise.. den after that.. had to go back wit valerie... get her bag... cuz she left it there... den after that she went home, i went cityhall meet him..

forgot what happen le.. oh ya. met his fren. haha. hello :) hmmmn... den after that... i guess.. well. i owe him alot lah.. he.. went out of his way to just send me home.. den som more let me confide in him my problems... so yeah...i owe him.. i mean.. haiz.. i dono lah..

but.. idk.. the feelings.. of hurt.. is still stuck wit me till now.. its been 24 hours.. i feel no better..

ok NOW.
audrey just left..
idk lah. thanks for coming, idk for how, but thanks anyway ..

thing is, i can never shout out just how i feel.
i just wanna whack some1. theres no1 i can vent out my anger to.
im gona end up crying at the end anyway. thats always the ending, huh.
crying because i have NO IDEA what to do.. no Idea who to turn to, no1 for me to turn to. i don wana face anyone anymore. the anger is really boiling up inside le. if i see some1, and dat some1 pisses me off, i don wanna vent it all out at that bastard.. all 14 years worth of holding back.

thing is, i feel no better.

...

2008-02-02T10:20:00.000+08:00

i guess... that the best thing i can possibly do.. is live everyday like its my last.. i mean, i'll never know when my times up. hopefully sooner. den i dont have to face everything and everyone any longer.

if not... i'll just emo every single day. i feel really emo now. i wanna feel happy oso cannot. not without kang.

kang is like my medicine lor. everytime im emoing.. she don care the situation, no matter how many ppl are watching, we will just do stupid things together.. and it really makes me happier then i could ever be.... its like :D
hhaha
i never regret going anywhere wit her. shes the best friend one could ever ask for.
love you, kangie...

haha
1, 2, 3 SET!
1, 2, 3, CHEEZ!
1, 2, 3, i don wanna write the last 1 :P hahahaha!!!

2008-02-02T09:58:00.000+08:00

what the heck man,
my spritual life is never gonna go further than this level
if i keep going on in this zig zag pattern...
i mean.. well, everytime im on the verge of having a spritual breakthrough,
it seems that the devil comes and tackels me.. with
situations, people...
feelings... hatred, resentment..
... yea...

and i cannot go on like this
i feel alone again.
i dont wanna go on!
...

how..

2008-02-02T00:00:00.001+08:00

well..
today was a great day..
i got in house suspension.
but.. well.. thank God it wasnt that bad.
i discovered something, while spending like.. 8- 2 in the library doing nth..
ok, i slept for 35 mins, studied for 2 hours 20 mins, and spent the rest in the canteen or drawing. no1 was there to talk to. oh ya.when the librarian went for lunch, i told her that i wanted to stay in the library, so she locked me in. apparently, ppl tot the librarian din know i was inside.. den dey go call the dm come lor. i kana scolding... dey oso.. haiz. feel so bad..

oh well.
im so sick of always being forgotten. im so sick of never being able to even compare.. i mean.. well.. in my life, if i named the people i trust, i dont even need two hands , 10 fingers, to count. 1 hand oso too much.

well.
i just lately feel really miserable.
who cares, huh.
people will scold me for being serious.
i am, come on. i AM.
its the way i am, what you wan me to do about it. loossen up?
... its not like im not trying to. helllo.
...
well..

today i got to find out something dat made me happy.
im not the only one who felt that way abt yeah.
...

but who am i to judge.
im not perfect, far from it. yet when i see it i cant stand it.. i wil feel like stabbing.. i will wanna hantam.

i have to live my promises, to forget the challenge. forget everything. just remember, I AM who i AM, i dont need anyone to come and kachaio my faith. its hard enough keeping my faith strong.

yet no1 cares how i feel...
who can i count on. who can i put all my faith on... i feel so bad, throwing everything to God.. its like.. he isnt my rubbish dump for my negative emotions... i mean.. i love him.. but.. i dont wanna.. haiz.. i dono lah.. i dono why i follow this religion.. i just dont let anything question my faith.. i just want to do his will.. but thing is, IM NOT!. .........

and this time, it matters..
i have to..
i want to..
Lord.. you are my strength when i am weak.
lead me not into temptation, but deliever me from evil...

2008-01-31T22:56:00.000+08:00

this is my 300th post.

and i'll make it a good one.
ive been thinking alot lately. who are we.
what do we deserve, to be on this earth, to be here.
i mean.. haiz

we came to the world in pain, we will die in pain...
everything in between is whatever you want it to be.
you wan your life to be miserable, so it will be lor.
do something productive.
dont waste your life away.
its short. but its also the longest thing you'll ever have.

whatever your goals are, whatever your dreams are..
you only have 1 chance to do it.
i mean, every person that grew up to be someone in the market place, like a pop idol or something,
all started out as kids with a dream.
its how you are going to act on that dream, to be what you wanna be.

if you want to start a band, act on it! do it! do what you think you can.
do what will glorify God. do not worry about tomorrow :)

ive always thought of God as this big daddy who will alwiz hug me when im sad. because i cant count on hugs from ppl. when i want one, dey won giv it to me 1.. so whatever lar. haha. i cant count on people for everything. it hurts when they dont care about you, dosent it. i mean.. just today.. in a small thing, i realised just how unimportant i am to them. and.. it hurt alot.. its hurting now.. my heart wants to cry.. because i know i will not be accepted ... but i pray i will be.. i mean.. i really do want to be a blessing.. and im not ... so.. haiz. i have to work on whatever is wrong with me. i mean.. yes. i cannot count on people ANYMORE. i only live for one God. i am living for HIM, not for PEOPLE. i wont care about their opnions...

i guess, i should just be myself, and if they dont like it, TOO BAD :)
but it does hurt. and i do love them. as the bible says, love your enemies... i do try very hard to... but at times i just cannot take it.. i wanna yell at deir face... because its so unfair. life is so unfair. people dont see you for the person you are, and im not exactly good at sharing with people im uncomfortable with. which is practically everyone. how do you think i became a loner?

i still cannot figure out my past. but i know God has plans for me, that i will have a brilliant future, a future that i have never expected God to give me. by faith i am saying this, by faith it Will come to pass. God knows what i want the most in my life. something i never had. something i can never experience.. but i want them to experience it. i want them to be happy. i want to take care, i want to protect... i want to do so much.. i mean.. i already love them though ... hahha. yes. nevermind..

i like protecting people. :) but thats the irony. people who like protecting others usually cannot protect themselves... well. i am going to be everything i can be. if now isnt the time, the time will NEVER COME! i NEED to do something. cannot just study study study. i need an escape.
God is my escape
but i need something else, to balance it all
i have
1. GOD
2. STUDIES
3. i wanna take up a musical instrument..
haha.

thats my dream
to be able to play like a pro. i know by faith i have the potential to.
my drum cher said i was a smart ger, i catch things fast. :) i want to build on what i have
the bible says, what talent you do not use will be taken away.
and i DONT want my talents to be gone from me. because frankly, i dont have many. so im gonna work on the ones i have. :) school made us take a test, to find out what kinda learners each and every one of us are. i scored 5 out of 5 for the section, musical and rhythimic.

and yeah. i alwiz have dat passion........ hahaha.. i cannot wait for the day to come.
God. i love you more than words can say
true, my faith is challenged alot. by peer pressure, by jealosy.. i see others growing in the sprit and maturing faster than me, and its one thing to say i will improve here, and a whole other thing to actually do it!
but i will try my best
i will not do things i will regret.
i am a child of GOD.
time to make it show :)

MUSTARD SEED FAITH MOVES MOUNTAINS.

2008-01-31T00:20:00.000+08:00

...
now i know where i stand..
not anywhere high i suppose. .. its so dead. well. for know im just gonna do whatever i can, and forget about worrying. if i cant do it, i cant, whats there to say. ... im so dead..

i suppose thats where. disappointing. guess have to just stand up and move on. i mean, yeah. im nt impt 1. :)

how do i live my life such that when i look back it wont be a big mess.. i mean.. haiz.. i have really far fetched dreams and aspirations.. i doubt i can ever reach them. its so hard. haiz.. what to do what to do. i share my dreams wit ppl they will just laugh, laugh and mock. what can i do. ignore them

pastor preached,
baby christian = thin skin, thick heart
mature christian = thick skin, thin heart..
i feel like crying now...
i mean.. ive made so many mistakes.. im making one now....
and i cannot say i dont care..
..
just feel so dead..
want to pon sch tomorrow.
and yet i cant.

2008-01-30T23:53:00.000+08:00

freak it lah.
have any idea how much i want to do well, but i just cant?
its like..
i spent time doing my homework, i am spending time , and ..
i studied, just to realise its not counted for ca.
isnt that like.. wasting time..
i feel like such an idiot lah.
now the moment i pick up my a maths book, i dont understand the effing question im staring at. like hell lah... hate maths. hate the teacher, hate this hate that..

wahlao.. im so pissed lah.
wasted 2 hours.

2008-01-30T23:24:00.000+08:00

my homework assignment :
2. discuss if singaporeans generally lack creativity.
its a test tomorrow lah wahlao..
so chim...
so anyway. i spent like 1 hour and 30 mins reasearching on this..
and i din come up wit very many good points lor.

haiya. i scared i fail sia..
dats why studying like until like this..

Discuss if Singaporeans generally lack creativity.
hmmm.. must make it sound chim hor?

Singaporeans do, generally, lack creativity. Creativity is the mental process involving new ideas or concepts, or new ideas in existing ideas. It is generally thought of as a act of doing something new. Singaporeans probably lack creativity because of reasons like they being self centered, their environment, their freedon, their diversity.

Singaporeans, or any individual for that matter, are by nature more willing to use their creativity for themselves or for the organization where they are committed to. People tend to work better in situations where the are more relaxed rather then a situation in which they are tense. They need the freedom to do things they like doing.

arh. heck. i don wanna do le.

3d2008

2008-01-30T19:43:00.000+08:00

hows this for a class T-shirt? :P

2008-01-30T18:31:00.000+08:00

haha.
have to always remember not to be a bad influence..
seems like dey look up to her so much sia.
i feel so worthless, like what am i.
...
haiz..

oh well.
im ok wit it.
i mean, i live not to prove to any1, even myself, right?
well. have to learn to.

living for 1 purpose...
living for 1 person..
its not dat easy .. haiz..

2008-01-30T06:59:00.000+08:00

haha.
when i talked to someone abt a topic dat we both can relate to..
idk lah. felt like i was counselling..
i guess its just talking
well i was thinking

if i tell her not to do anything that she'll regret later on wit her life,
dosent dat mean i ahve to do the same?
cannot be hypocritical and say one thing do another
but how do i do that
its so hard..